You need to decide from the very beginning how to raise your children. What will be important? What tendencies do you want to carry on? What tendencies do you not want to carry on?
Remember that history repeats itself. If you do not want your children to go through the trials and tribulations of alcoholism, divorce, and so forth, then you need to make sure those elements are removed from your life.
The lesson here is to make peace with your past, first. Once you do that, you can help steer your children around these potential problems.
Make your children your top priority. In today’s society, it has become increasingly difficult to find time as a family to just sit around and talk.
We have gotten to the point where we can’t even get out of our cars to pick up fast food, because we are so busy hustling from one destination to the next.
Of course, you are busy because you want to give your children the best life they possibly can. But you never want to get to the point in which your children cannot come to you with questions because you are too busy.
So make it a point to have an open conversation with your entire family every night. The dinner table is a great place to do this. You will find that your children will actually become excited while talking about the things that happened to them during the day and will feel more comfortable coming to you to ask questions.
Do not argue in front of your kids. No parent is perfect. While undesired, arguments can tend to raise their ugly heads every once in a while.
Do not lose control. Your children can sense when you are getting upset. The tone of your voice and often your facial expressions will change.
Keeping your cool shows your children that you are in control. (You should always be labeled by your kids as “in control”. After all, you’re the head of the house, right?) If you have to debate something with your spouse, take the argument somewhere in which the children will not overhear your conversation.
Maintain a strong marriage. As we stated earlier in this chapter, it is true that history repeats itself. The kids of parents that are divorced are more likely to end up in relationships that end in divorce versus children that grow up in a household where their biological parents are married to each other.
Children can sense when things are not going well. It is important for you and your spouse to spend some time alone together each and every week to keep the romance alive. Absolutely nothing can overlap your alone time with your spouse.
If your parents are looking for some quality time to spend with their grandkids, this night would be a great opportunity for you to drop them off at grandma and grandpa’s house.
Practice patience. If you are not patient, your child will begin to resent you. Remember that your child is slowly maturing and may not know the results of their actions just yet.
This is a great reason to keep a journal. Not only will it help you to ventilate your frustrations throughout the day, it will also help you in the long run to look back at things that your children used to do. It might even provide a nice chuckle for you and your family one day as you all sit around and read about what Johnny did with the car in the toilet or what Sara brought home from her school’s playground.
Your children will always imitate you. Whether or not you like it, your children will always be an extension of you. Your children will grow up by learning their values not from what you tell them, but from what they witness you doing.
If you endeavor to be happy and smiling to the extreme with a non-stoppable determination to succeed, then your children will do the same. If you begin to witness your children emulating you in a way that you are not comfortable with, then you need to make the change yourself before approaching your children about it.
Hold yourself accountable. It is important for you to show accountability for your actions as well as theirs. If you do something in front of them that you know you probably should not have done, come to them first. Be apologetic about your actions. This shows you children that you are not perfect and that you are definitely trying to be.
With these points in mind, you will become a better parent. These tips will help you establish a sense of security in your parenting style. It is important for your child to have a sense of security when they are at home. Having patience and open communication will help your relationship with your children.
Chapter 2: Optimism
It’s hard to grasp exactly how important this topic is. Establishing an optimistic atmosphere is as important of a household element as having parents in the house. It is simply impossible to raise healthy, successful children without a house that thrives on optimism.
Optimism makes your children feel better. Have you ever had someone walk up to you and tell you that your pancakes are too bland?
Or if you work in the service industry, had a customer that simply complained about the service that they have received from you?
It’s likely that their comments did not make you feel very good and did nothing to make you want to do any better at the job that you’ve performed. So it’s no wonder why some children tend to not care about their behavior if all they hear is “No!”
Actually, “No” is the first word that should be (almost) entirely banned from your vocabulary if you are to create a household of optimists. Of course, there are some situations where the word “No” should be used. But do it sparingly.
On that note, try to grant most of your child’s requests. I know it sounds silly, but it actually works in helping your child’s self esteem. If there is something that you don’t want your child to do right now, you can deny their request in part.
For example, if your kid comes and asks you if he or she can go over to a friend’s house, you can simply tell them “Yes, but only after you finish your homework.” The word “no” is never used, and you’ve deferred the requested action until the demand that you would like to have met has been satisfied.
This also gives the child encouragement to finish their homework so that they can receive the reward that they deserve.
When your child completes a task, be careful not to focus simply on the task’s completion. This is what has been termed as the “intimidator” approach. This particular type of parenting style often results in very bad side effects.
Sure, those accolades may look good on paper. You may be able to brag about having the best swimmer in the school or the smartest child in the district. But what happens when this child doesn’t succeed?
We have way too many students that are committing suicide because they didn’t graduate at the top of their class. Simply put, it gets to the point where they start to stress out about not reaching achievements that may not have been within their reach.
A parent that stresses encouragement is from a little bit of a different nature. They value the work that has been performed. They tell the child “I’m sorry that you didn’t win, but you tried your best and that’s what counts”. It also entails an emphasis on strengths that the child has.
Being an encourager, means that you recognize that the child may not be able to complete certain tasks and therefore does not try to tell them, “You can do it!” unless the encourager knows that the task falls perfectly within their reach. Telling the child “You can do it” when they really can’t, would set the child up for certain failure and would lead to a poor self esteem.
Probably the most important thing that you can do to help raise a household of optimists is to continually tell your children how important they all are. This is such a simple thing that is often said in passing.
Parents often simply go through the motions of saying it to their children with little heart and thought in it. It would be a good idea to try and challenge yourself