Shadows Of Acceptance. Nancy Inc. Rockey

“poor me” attitude -- feeling despair because the world will not devote itself to making you happy -- keeps the individual-you- the victim. The one who has in the past or currently is causing wounds is in control of the individual and his/her emotions. Living “under the circumstances” or in the shadows, rather than being in control of one’s life and decisions, assigns the power to the perpetrator.

      Granted, a victim of abuse has a right to be sad regarding the treatment received, however each person also has the responsibility to rise above the circumstances, to take control of his life and his future, and to insure that those close to them live in peace. No one else can do it. This is where a decision and a determination to escape from the haunting shadow is necessary, and one has to know what is in the shadow and how it controls the present. Then, and often with help from a professional, a decision to escape can be made.

      Depression is a state like being on a merry-go-round that revolves faster and faster, making one dizzy and totally out of control. The more pondering of the past and the abuses experienced, the deeper the depression and the sense of hopelessness gets. This is why so many people need recovery from the past hurts they’ve endured as well as a determination to move ahead. It is an intervention designed to turn off the tape recording in the brain and to slow or stop the merry-go-round so that your sense of stability and equilibrium can be found. Recovery is the light directed toward the shadow illuminating the darkness.

      Depression hijacks the ability to think in a logical or positive manner, and, sometimes, chemical intervention is necessary to redeem chemical balance in the brain and body in order to return the ability to think logically and positively. Often, a well qualified and experienced therapist can assist by helping someone with clinical depression to regain the ability to think in a realistic and positive manner. In such cases, chemical intervention may be needed for a time until old issues can be safely resolved. In a recovery process, identifying the real causative element of depression and removing the negative emotional charge lurking in the shadow from old memories of pain, brings relief.

      Attachment Influenced by Abuses Received:

      All of the wounds received in childhood, especially in the first two years, carry with them the after-effects of worthlessness, fears, anger and sadness and form the shadow that follows you. The shadow exaggerates your reactions to other abuses received. If you have been abused early on in life, you may avoid close interactions with others or will cling desperately to one who feels safe to you. You may also be disorganized in your attachment, avoiding at times and clinging at other times.

      In the first two years of life, we unknowingly choose our style of attachment, and that choice is powerfully influenced by what we have experienced during the early months of life. The steady or frequent absence of a parent, compounded by abuse, leads a child far away from being able to securely attach and toward one of the three dysfunctional styles of attachment. This choice is a survival technique as well.

      Why do Parents reject their children?

      Mothers:

      1.Maladjusted marriages–the poorer the marriage, the less acceptance of the child

      2.Arrival of another (perhaps more attractive or preferred-gender) sibling

      3.Infant closely resembled a self-loathing parent

      4.Children resembled “the other side of the family” whom the parent resents.

      5.Untimely pregnancies -- infant considered an unwanted or unjust imposition

      6.Child became a “stand-in for the other parent, rather than receiving affection in his own right

      7.Latent hostility was unconsciously displaced from parent’s own rejecting parents to the child

      8.Parents employed a hands-off policy with their children – to the point of neglect - due to being over-dominated by their own parents

      9.Immediate identification of the child with the child’s father – especially true for unwed mothers

      10.Mother couldn’t afford the emotional risk involved in loving a child, especially in cases where another child had been lost in death

      11. Child was viewed as anchoring a couple to a difficult marriage

      12. Viewed the child as an intruder with whom she was forced to share her husband. This is especially true if the mother had experienced rejection

      13. Felt that the child had deprived her of a job or career that she enjoyed – having a child felt like a loss of freedom

      14. Mother had major emotional or mental issues, that have been inadequately addressed.

      Fathers:

      1.Maladjusted marriage

      2.Child was physically or psychologically unattractive

      3.An untimely pregnancy

      4.Close resemblance to their loathed selves

      5.Close resemblance to their mate’s despised relatives

      6.Jealousy

      7.An inability to love

      8.An unconscious repayment back to his own parents

      9.Feeling of personal inadequacy

      10. Promiscuity that cannot be satisfied with only one partner- feels tied down.

      11. Questioning whether they had married the right woman.

      12. Man had mental or emotional issues that have been inadequately treated.

      *These lists were taken from Dr. Joseph Evoy's book, The Rejected. (25-31)

      Of all the recorded abuses, rejection seems to carry the most pervasive and detrimental effects. Keep in mind however, that even after recovery, the memories of rejecting experiences remain, but the negative emotional charge, which drives feelings and behaviors, will be removed from those memories. When a slight occurs in the present, it can bring up a rejection you experienced in the past, but your response to it will be mitigated because of your recovery. It’ll be entirely different! You will just notice it and move on! Without recovery, only the Shadows of Acceptance are our norm.