Shadows Of Acceptance
by
Nancy Rockey
and by
Ron Rockey
Copyright 2012 Fixable Life, Inc.
Published by Fixable Press, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-1033-3
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
Tribute
to
Ronald P. Rohner, Ph.D.
who has with great dedication and commitment
spent nearly half a century in research and study of
Parental Acceptance and Rejection
and to his wife
Nancy Rohner
who has faithfully worked beside him,
typing, teaching, collating information
and being supportive of her husband’s work.
Without the steadfastness and devotion to this work,
many people would not come to understand
how a lack of acceptance causes devastation in a life.
We truly admire you and your work,
and are abundantly grateful for the
added insights your work has provided to
our calling - to provide tools for the
healing of rejection’s effects.
May God Bless you both!
Preface
“We live in the Shadowlands. The sun is always shining somewhere else. Round a bend in the road.”
In one of our favorite films, Shadowlands, the true story of C.S. Lewis’s life and marriage to Joy, Lewis speaks the above words. This famous sentiment seems to rightly depict the experience of most people – that joy, enlightenment and happiness is just around a bend, out of view, out of reach. The truth is that in order for there to be a shadow, the sun or light must be shining somewhere, so that a shadow can be cast. Could it be that light is right there in front or behind us, but because we predict that moving toward the light might be too painful, we choose to live only close to what could illuminate or make clear our understanding and progress? We live where we are, in one sense, comfortable, rather than pressing out into the unknown. Living in the shade, we are blinded by the light or we turn our back on it. It is predictable that in that artificial place, we will become gloomy, and perhaps see or comprehend only the outline or frosty image of the real, the true.
While people long for happiness, for the companionship of friends or family, for acceptance and the knowledge that they are cherished, still some illusion seems to keep from us, that which we long for most. An old experience or several of them, can become ghostly nightmares which haunt our present reality and paralyze us from action. Old slights experienced, old harsh words directed our way, old feelings that we were not wanted lurk in the darkness and we live in the shadow of the real, the longed-for dream. There in the scary world of the unknown or the partially seen, we languish, we suffer old hurts over and over again, until we lose sight of hope or a positive future.
The shadow of rejection is simply the flip side of the real – acceptance. It is the shadow, if you will, of the real object. Acceptance, the object for which we seek, seems to be held back by the shadow’s fierce grip or blocked from view by a history of rejection. If we would step out of the shadow and into the light, we could see that the truth of acceptance has been present all the while. There has not been for one fraction of a second, even the slightest bit of rejection from the only source that really matters, yet even that truth has been hidden from view by one who sneaks in the shadow reminding us of our unworthiness.
Stepping out into the light of truth however, dictates that we must really turn our backs to the lurking shadow, and that step requires just enough glimmering light to see that we are not stepping off a cliff into a deep chasm – just enough of truth to give us the courage to press forward. It requires just enough acceptance from somewhere to see that acceptance is indeed possible.
We are shaped by the way we think and feel, feeling coming before thinking. If our earliest feelings were of not belonging, not being wanted, not feeling loved and adored, our thoughts will follow when we are developed enough to think them. Those thoughts become our reality; they shape our attitudes toward our own value and our behaviors toward others. Knowledge alone will begin to enlighten the shadowlands, that place where, as Lewis says, our happiness is just beyond a bend in the road where the sun must be shining. Let’s dare to walk together out of our shadows and into the light.
Introduction
Devastating, wasn’t it, being the only one who didn’t get an invitation to the birthday party or the big wedding? Maybe your heartache was being the ignored child in your family, and your sibling got all the attention, the new clothes or toys. Did you always end up with the hand-me-downs? Perhaps you had “two left feet,” so to speak, so all of the other girls but you were asked to dance. Or were you a clumsy one who ended up being the last to be picked for the baseball team? What anguish! Perhaps you were just an inconvenience and your parent(s) kept telling you to “get lost.” Oh maybe not in those words, but in other ways. One fellow we know had an absent father and a mother who would shoo him out of the house with these words: “Don’t come home until the streetlights come on.” Wasn’t that the same message as if she had said – “I don’t want you here?”
There it is – that bone-chilling word – rejection. The sound of it conjures up memories of slights received and of tears shed. With it comes the poor self-worth that arrives as a result. “There must be something wrong with me. What have I done or said to be cast off like yesterday’s underwear?” Here is the shadow, the dimness that hides from view the possibilities of living a life of true acceptance.
There’s more than just an emotional response to feeling unwanted; there is also the physical response of a gut-ache or heartache. Ever been there? Some who feel unloved will comfort themselves by eating everything in sight, while others can’t eat a thing! Some will rush to a comfy spot for a long winter’s nap, while others can’t sleep a wink; their minds racing with negative and painful thoughts. Others may lash out at those close to them, yelling and cursing at them about the abuse they’ve received. Some will crawl out of harm’s way into a cave of their own making, keeping destructive thoughts and feelings inside them, while retreating to an assumed place of safety. Others may be driven to work endlessly, hoping that their accomplishments will make them feel accepted. Years may pass after the initial discounting or dismissal by a parent or some other significant person in a child’s life, but the pain of that negative treatment looms in the shadow of a life thus unfulfilled. Whenever a slight occurs later in life, be it a huge rejection or one barely noticed, those same painful feelings arise. With each succeeding rebuff, the hurt escalates in intensity and so does the reaction to it!
Most of the responses to rejection are self-destructive. The torture of keeping a mental list of abuses received only piles up resentment and bitterness with the list. Paralysis increases. Eventually, an explosion of catastrophic dimensions will occur with fallout landing on either oneself or on those with whom a victim is in closest relationship. Retaining slights or purposeful rejections, which one cannot help but do, especially because