Mama had taught her the accounting for the farm records as well as the housekeeping portion of running the sizeable house. She was not only well informed she was totally capable of running it smoothly, if only she had been allowed to do so. She began pacing the floor in her frustration. Although the boys were working long hours on the farm, she still insisted that they have their lessons. She knew that Mama would have been adamant about this. She also felt their education was very important and had done an admirable job of tutoring them. They were both quick to learn, and eager for the knowledge. Her parents had instilled this interest in all of their children, since they were born.
There was just no way that the three of them could do it all. There had been the hired hands who had gone sadly away one at a time. Looking at her with sympathy and their own guilt at leaving her in this situation showing plainly in their faces. She had approached Papa countless times for the money for their wages and all he would do was rant and rave and tell her to let it go, let it all go to hell for all he cared and order her out of his room. Now the three of the Ferrall children were trying to do what their Papa, Mama and five full time hired hands had done.
Jessica chewed her lip looking out the window and wondering what to do next. She realized she had been pacing and sat down with a sigh. She should try and look her best since Thomas was going to visit tonight. Actually, she was dreading his visit. All thoughts of marriage had been quickly put aside on that awful day six months ago. Thomas had been so understanding and seemed so complacent about giving her time to deal with her grief. She thought briefly of the way Mama had felt about Thomas. It bothered her, more than she cared to admit. Mama had been very intuitive, and she had said more than once she had bad feelings about Thomas. Yet she had not pressed Jessica about them. She had told her that time would tell, and to just take things slowly. Jessica had been more observant about Thomas, trying to discern what her Mama could have sensed about him. She could see nothing amiss in his actions or deeds and was as mystified as ever about what Mama had felt about him. She thought for a long moment about Thomas.
Thomas as a husband, her husband. She had to admit, if only to herself, she did not feel the excitement or eagerness that she should about becoming his wife. Perhaps her grief had numbed all of her feelings she mused. Still, she wondered about her lack of emotion where Thomas was concerned. Did she truly want to marry him and spend the rest of her life being his wife? She again sighed, thinking that life had become so confused and complicated in just six months. She couldn't marry right now anyway, Papa being the way he had since Mama had died. She certainly would not even think of leaving him in his condition.
John Ferrall had ceased to be on the day his beloved Lilly had died. Even the look in his eyes at times frightened her immensely. Months ago the boys had started creeping into her room with their blankets and sleeping on the floor after his ratings would wake them. Finally, she had moved their beds into her room rather than have them go through the same ritual night after night. Working as hard as they did it was important for them to have a comfortable place to sleep at least.
Last night Papa had awakened her and then Tommy. Jacob, with the ability of only the very young had learned to sleep through all but the worst of Papa's loud nights. Yet last night he had not been loud, just different, very different. He talked as though he were talking to a person.
Her eyes had met Tommy's as they both realized he was talking as though Mama were there with him.
He was talking to his wife.
They both felt the shivers go down their spine as it dawned on them what he was doing. He didn't go on overly long. It was eerie listening to him have his one-sided conversation. At one point, he sounded startled, and they heard him say loudly, "What Lilly? No, no how can that be?"
Then his voice became more subdued, and they could no longer follow the conversation. It seemed like it went on all night, but in reality, it must have lasted less than a half-hour at most. Jessica and Tommy both feeling uneasy didn't sleep for the rest of the night. That is what my main problem is today Jessica thought to herself. I am overly tired after last night, and everything appears gloomy to me simply because I am tired. Why keep going over it all out today anyway? Papa being like he was, and the boys depending on her, she couldn't marry right now anyway.
The problem of Thomas would have to be faced up to though. He was becoming very reluctant to come to the farm to visit with her in the evenings, obviously due to Papa's irrational behavior. In fact, it seemed that Thomas had been acting more hesitant since Papa had called him into the bedroom to talk. It had only happened two or three times, but it was obvious Thomas did not want to have to face John Ferrall one on one. Who could blame him after all? She couldn't expect Thomas to keep waiting forever. Being totally honest with herself she didn't think she wanted him to wait anyway. Too much had changed. She had changed. She knew she had changed forever.
Tonight, she was going to tell Thomas that they could never be married. She really couldn't ask him to keep waiting. She had no idea how long it would take Papa to come to his senses. Oh, how Mama would have loathed this! She would have been horrified to think that her beloved family could be in this situation. Jessica herself was horrified. How could this be? How could everything have gone so terribly wrong in such a short time?
Hot tears sliding down her cheeks she sat down on the bed and took a deep breath, trying to get her emotions under control. This crying had to stop! There had been far too many tears these past months. She knew she still shed tears for Mama, but today she seemed to be crying for Papa, the boys, even herself, knowing she would no longer have Thomas either. She inhaled a deep, if somewhat shaky breath and with her little hands knotted in fists, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut and tried to force herself into control. With a vague prayer that her next nineteen years fared better, she rose and went down to the kitchen.
The boys were eating the pie she had made for dessert. Both jerked their heads up immediately at her step, alarm showing clearly on their faces. When they saw that it was their sister rather than Papa, they both relaxed immediately. Again, Jessica thought to herself, I have to do something about this! We cannot go on this way! We just cannot! She looked at Tommy, almost startled at really seeing him. He had always been small for his age and everyone just thought he took after Mama. These past six months it seemed like he had grown every day. It was all she could do to keep up with his clothing the way he was growing. Now, he was nearly as tall as Papa. She asked herself when that had happened. She glanced at his face and winced inwardly. He shouldn't have to have that haunted look on his face. He should be out doing what other boys his age were doing. Boys? No, he was a young man now, not a boy!
A while back, they had moved his bed into the hallway outside her bedroom. He felt that they were too old now to be in the same bedroom, Pa or not. Then, yesterday he offered to move back down to his own room and get things back to normal. She told him she felt safer when all three of them were upstairs, and closer together than they would be had he moved back downstairs. He had looked relieved, and proud that he might be protecting her and making her feel better.
Jacob was so like Papa. He had his dark hair with the deep red and blonde streaks in it and even walked like Papa. Tommy had Mama's light blonde hair and gentle blue eyes, and a nature that was gentle and kind like Mama. They were fine boys, and Mama would have been excessively proud of them. Papa didn't seem to know they even existed now. Many times in the past few months, Tommy had tried to approach Papa, but those attempts were met with either blank stares, or a sudden fit of grief. Tommy no longer even tried. What should she do? She asked herself again.
A knock came at the back door. She went to answer it and found Thomas standing there; somewhat nervously from the way he was twisting his hat in his hands. She stood back and let him into the kitchen where he, and the boys exchanged greetings. Jessica had to tell him to take a seat, since he stood shuffling his feet and looking ill at ease. When he looked at her it was not quite in the eye. She found herself sighing again. Sitting down, she wondered if something else had gone wrong that she didn't even know about yet.
Thomas was nearly twenty-seven years old but somehow seemed younger to her than he had months before. Perhaps, she thought, these past months have made me grow up so fast and take on so much responsibility that I have