The warden becomes the little voice inside our heads that won’t go away. The little voice keeps us imprisoned by reminding us of the intrusive messages we received in childhood over and over again. Childhood wounds are reopened, isolating us from others. In many ways, we play roles in our lives that can bring harmful consequences to others and to ourselves. We wear masks to hide who we really are. The little voice makes us feel ashamed and unworthy. We become self-centered causing us to feel that we have the right to something regardless of the harm it causes others. We call this destructive entitlement.
The warden’s voice inside our head repeats that we do not deserve to be happy. His voice leads us to sabotage happiness when it comes our way. He is so powerful that even though he imprisons us to destructive roles in our lives, we listen to him.
What roles in your life did your warden command you to play?
1.Caretaking Role—Taking care of the world can be tiring, yet the warden will not allow you to let go of taking care of others.
2.Victim Role—The warden’s voice exempts you from taking responsibility in your life. All your problems are caused by your spouse, employer, children, parents, or others.
3.Transparent Role—The warden warns against sharing feelings; no one wants to hear how you feel.
4.Defiant Role—The warden creates a voice that directs you to disagree with everyone, especially those of authority.
5.Compliant Role—The warden creates a voice that directs you to agree with everyone. How they feel about you matters more than you feel about yourself.
6.Angry Role—The warden forbids against admitting to mistakes, so you use your anger to always prove you are right. How you hurt others reflects your inner pain.
7.Underachieving Role—The warden warns that failing is so painful that it is not worth even trying.
8.Controlling Role—The warden warns us that any process we cannot control will not end positively; therefore, everyone must act and think the way we want them to.
The warden keeps us emotionally shackled and orders us to keep our doors locked, so no one can enter. This book provides the key to unlocking the locked door and allowing happiness into our lives.
There are three essential strategies to healing that will free us from the chains of our childhood wounds. These include awareness, action, and maintenance. First, we must become aware of what is broken inside so we know what to fix. Second, positive actions allow us to see our true responsibility in each situation and help to stop the voice inside of us from directing our behavior in negative ways. We discover that if we do what we always did, then we’ll get what we always got. As we start to act in healthier ways, the distorted view we have of others and ourselves begins to melt away. Eventually, through positive actions, our perceptions and dynamics change, bringing more peace into our lives. Third, maintaining positive actions in an environment where there is group support will stop the destructive inner voice from coming back to take charge of our behavior again.
If you do not have awareness, you cannot take action.
If you cannot take action, there is nothing to maintain.
One of my most rewarding feelings is the gratitude I receive from a spouse or family member of someone I have coached. Once the healing begins, the love returns to their marriage and is passed down to their children. This miracle, which is reflected in my own marriage, fills me with overwhelming joy.
Sometimes we act in ways that do not always make sense as we hurt ourselves and others. We feel compelled to listen to the destructive inner voice in our heads. Making sense of our actions is like figuring out a jigsaw puzzle. This book will allow you to put the puzzle pieces together. If you are still unsure if this book could help you, take a few minutes to ask yourself the following questions.
•Do you tend to focus on the shortcomings of others to avoid looking at yourself?
•Do you say yes to people because saying no is too painful?
•Do you feel like you are carrying the burden of the world on your shoulders and are powerless to let it go?
•Do you feel victimized by people or circumstances in your life?
•Do you have problems trusting any process that you are not in control of?
•When you make a mistake, do you feel shame so strong it overwhelms you?
•Do you take the time to celebrate the victories (successes) in your life, or do you beat yourself up over your failures?
•Do you feel comfortable being intimate, or do you avoid intimacy?
•Are you most comfortable being isolated from others even though you realize that avoiding social contact keeps you locked in depression and self-pity?
•When you get angry, do you terrify the people around you, or do you suppress, ignore, or stuff anger?
•Do you feel invisible in your relationships?
•In social settings, do you feel either superior or inferior to others, rather than feeling like you belong?
•Do you always have to be right, even if you push people away?
•Do you have destructive behaviors that hurt you or others, but still feel entitled to continue your addictive behavior?
•Do you give away your power to others by letting them determine how you feel about yourself?
•Do you make up stories in your mind about the way others feel about you, but don’t have the courage to tell them how you feel?
•Are there tasks you must do, but are paralyzed to start?
•Do you want help, but aren’t able to take that first step and don’t know why?
If you answered yes to any of the questions, this book is for you. Each of us can benefit from a better understanding of how childhood wounds mold the person we are today. Some addicts who have been sober for a long time may continue to lead tormented, angry lives. This book will explore why and how to make positive changes. The intention of this book is not to bash our caregivers or parents. Rather, it is to understand the effects of these messages given to us in childhood that impact our lives at this moment. Today I can fail at times, but it does not mean I am a failure. I can make mistakes, but it does not mean I am a mistake. The words expressed throughout this book are from my heart. It is my fervent wish to bring hope to those imprisoned by a wounded past.
Chapter One: Damaged Goods
Something had to be wrong with me or my parents wouldn’t act the way they did.
As a child in a family filled with dysfunction, my belief system told me that I was the cause of the insanity within my home. When my needs were not satisfied as a child, rather than acknowledging that something might be wrong with my parents, I believed that something must be wrong with me. My father was often away from home while I was growing up. My mother was always trying to locate him. As the oldest child, I became a caretaker for my mother. One night she threatened suicide. She told me to find my father or she was going to carry out her threat. She held a long, sharp knife used by my father to cut meat. She pointed the sharp end at her stomach, threatening to stab herself if I did not phone my father immediately and get him