THE PROBLEM
WAS ME
A Guide to Self-Awareness, Compassion, and Awareness
THOMAS GAGLIANO
With Abraham J. Twerski, MD
Carefree, Arizona
Gentle Path Press
P.O. Box 3172
Carefree, Arizona 85377
Copyright © 2011 by Gentle Path Press
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written permission of Gentle Path Press, except for brief quotations used in articles and reviews.
First Edition: 2011
Published in eBook format by Gentle Path Press
Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com
For more information regarding our publications, please contact-
Gentle Path Press at 1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only).
Book edited by Rebecca Post, Marianne Harkin
Book designed by Serena Castillo
Typesetting by Kinne Design
ISBN-13: 978-0-9832-7137-6
Names of people and situations described in this book have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people involved.
Acknowledgments
I am grateful to and proud of my wife and children for their willingness and courage in allowing this book to come to fruition. Their faith that this book could help others was a vital source of strength for me. A special thanks to Tony, who has always been there to cheer me on, especially when I felt this book would never become a reality. Tony, along with Robert and Joe, supplied me with the support I needed to keep going, especially when my warden was telling me I would never be able to follow this through. Thanks to everyone in my support system who have journeyed along with me as we have silenced our wardens’ commands together. These people have always been an important part of my life, and they are important contributors to this book.
Preface
By Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
When I was in psychiatric training and assigned to report on Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain, I was deeply impressed by Mann’s insights. I recall asking my professor if Thomas Mann was a physician. His response, “Don’t be silly. No doctor could be that sensitive.”
There is truth to the professor’s statement. Scientific medical training so saturates the left brain that the right brain, the part that receives and develops feelings, is overwhelmed. The occupational hazard of being a physician is that we may lose some measure of sensitivity. Tom Gagliano is neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, but he is a sensitive human being who holds valuable psychological insights gained from life experiences rather than from books and lectures. Tom’s words are laden with emotion.
In one of my earlier books, Addictive Thinking, I described the unique thought processes of an addict. These same processes occur in non-addicts but are exaggerated in addicts. Tom Gagliano speaks from the vantage point of a recovering addict, but everyone can identify with the emotions he describes. He points out the destructive impact that early experiences can have on a person’s life, but if you are aware of these early obstacles then you can take proper steps to free yourself from their stranglehold. The Problem Was Me is not only a self-help book, but a valuable textbook for mental health professionals.
Introduction
By Thomas Gagliano
Not until I stopped denying my own past and began sharing my wounds, did I allow myself to be loved by other people.
You do not have to be addicted to drugs or alcohol to benefit from this book. This book can help you with whatever distraction you are using to avoid whatever it is you should be doing. Before the rapid proliferation of computers, video games, satellite TV, and cell phones, we had fewer choices for acting out our compulsions. Now with the explosive growth of digital devices, we can gamble, shop, play video games, and view pornography with a click of a mouse or by pressing a button on a remote.
While I am not a licensed therapist, I have gained great insight through my own process of healing from the destructive behaviors in my life. In addition, I have coached many people who have been crippled by their own internal demons. Having faced my own demons, I know how it feels to be overwhelmed, hopeless, and completely paralyzed with fear.
With the help of Twelve Step programs, group sessions, organized retreats, workshops, and sponsors, I discovered the way to a better life and how to help others find their own paths. It was not until I opened myself to change that I began to transform from the person who once isolated himself from others to a man who has become rich with the wonders of life and the love of family and friends. I found peace and my own spirituality.
Healing is an ongoing process of self-determination and self-discipline. While the rewards are not always immediate, beautiful gifts await if you are patient and can take direction. As I healed internally, a need emerged to share how I did it with others. I began to help people from all walks of life, including rabbis, priests, doctors, plumbers, housewives, computer technicians, CEOs, therapists, sales people, and engineers. Because we could identify with each other’s struggles, the people I coached opened a part of their lives to me that had been off limits to others and even to themselves. As I helped them face their biggest fears, I was encouraged to face my own shortcomings and the obstacles I needed to overcome in shaking off my personal demons. Not until I stopped denying my own past and began sharing my wounds did I allow myself to be loved by other people.
Some of the people I have helped have shared my philosophies with their therapists. After sharing my insight with some of the professionals I met with, they began to adopt my methods in treating their own patients. This book is filled with nuggets of wisdom that are invaluable and affirming. It explores the underlying reasons why we behave the way we do. The book is designed to be a reference tool. You could turn to any chapter and find helpful information on ways to deal with life on life’s terms.
The encouragement from the people who allowed me to help them has inspired me to write this book. The Problem Was Me contains the tools gained from my personal struggle with compulsions and applies a methodology as exemplified by Abraham Twerski. Through the experiences, insights, and the wisdom I have gained in my journey in life, combined with Dr. Twerski’s professional wisdom, this book can help those with destructive behaviors as well as supply others with a blueprint to give their children the love denied to many of them. So many people feel they were denied of loving behaviors from their parents. This book will also bring an understanding to family and friends who seek to prevent themselves or their loved ones from continuing on a path of self-destruction.
The common problems we face are from unhealed childhood wounds that have remained buried and have haunted us. Only when we permit the window into our past to be opened, exposing the core of our adult difficulties, can we begin the healing process. Today, I am aware of how deeply I was imprisoned by childhood wounds and how negative voices from the past disturb