The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer. Ralph Alterowitz

down.” Not feeling safe in the relationship. Similar to patient Pessimism “Nothing ever goes right for me.” “He won’t like if he sees I have only one breast.” “Nothing ever goes right for me.” Rejected or anticipating rejection “He can’t stand me because I have only one breast.” “The lumpectomy/hysterectomy scar will turn him off.” “If I touch her, she’ll pull away.” “I think my wife is having an affair because we have not made love in months." Relief “Thank goodness this ordeal is over. Now I can get on with my life.” Similar to patient. Self-pity Why did it happen to me? “Everything is about the cancer. Everyone focuses on the patient. Nobody asks how I feel.” Stress Life is disrupted. Time spent for treatment. Life is disrupted. Sex life evaporated.

      © 2011 Ralph Alterowitz & Barbara Alterowitz

      The emotions you or your partner may feel might be expressed in many ways. Table 5 presents seven negative ways you or your partner may express feelings. If you recognize that these behaviors are starting to develop, you may be able to take corrective action.

      Table 5: Patient and Partner Negative Actions

Action	Cancer Patient	Partner
Alienation	Negative feelings result in alienating behavior that further reinforces negative feelings.	Partner feels isolated, shut out, and rejected. Partner may have negative feelings about self. “You don’t have to feel paranoid.”
Avoidance (both partners may take this action)	Refuses to communicate and interact. Does not know how to start talking.	No intimate interaction. Does not know how to start talking. Tiptoes around the issues.
Conflict	Conflict predating the cancer. Sometimes the patient has the burden of getting the partner to be supportive and intimate. This can lead to conflict.	Conflict predating the cancer. Pushing the patient to talk and to cooperate. Can lead to conflict.
Rejection (active or passive)	Rejects intimacy, rejects interactions with others. May find reasons to criticize and reject partner in order to avoid intimacy.	In some cases, the partner rejects interactions with the patient.
Repression - automatic restraint of drives & urges; a means for dealing with anxiety	Dealing with irreconcilable desires.	Wants to encourage partner to talk and engage in even simple intimacy - but does not. May be related to interpretation of role in the marriage.
Suppression - willful restraint of drives and urges.	Patient suppresses the need to talk with partner and/or touch and be touched. “This is my problem to solve.”	Partner, concerned about upsetting patient, does not bring up important issues, e.g., intimacy, patient’s feelings and needs, personal needs, family issues.
Withdrawal	Partial or total withdrawal due to feelings of inadequacy e.g., body image, feeling less of a woman.	Concern re: making the partner feel inadequate or fear of rejection by the partner.

      © 2011 Ralph Alterowitz & Barbara Alterowitz