The Adventures of "Dirty Joe" Callihan. Joe Callihan

I called up to the front, as they had heard his demands, asking: “Hey do either of you have a gun he can borrow? He wants to hold me up!” One said, “I don’t” and the other then said, “I don’t either.” He was looking ahead, watching as they answered. He had not been looking at me, as I took out my loaded derringer and pointed it at his belly button. When he turned around and saw it, I cocked the hammer at half cock and said, “I’ve got an idea, maybe you’d like to borrow mine?”

      I honestly have to admit, I did not have any idea that a humans eyes could actually dilate without the use of chemical drops. But sure enough, his eyes got real big, as he sucked in a large gasp of air, moving both arms out to the side. (Now actually I’m kind of glad they did not have video cameras back then, as I technically did not have a permit to carry my gun – but hey! Neither did the bad guys!) Still, I will remember the look on his face, and his actions of fear and panic, till the day I die.

      The guy just stood there frozen, holding his breath, with his hands out to his side saying nothing, and not moving an inch. Worse yet, his friends were watching from in front. I’m beginning to think, this looks bad for me. Any moment someone is likely to come walking through the door, and it looks like I am holding him up. I have an illegal gun, and he doesn’t. Besides, there are three of them, and I have a one shot 22 short. If they figure that out, I may be in serious trouble. How can I get myself out of this mess I’ve gotten into? I was asking, when a plan came to me.

      Cocking the hammer back a second time, so he would know it was fully ready to fire, I then made another suggestion to the frozen “would be” bad guy. “On second thought, I can’t loan you my gun. But I do have a bullet I would be glad to give you.” This seemed to have the desired effect. He immediately became unfrozen. Looking at me while backing away, placing his hands in a frantic downward waving motion, he said. “I was just joking man. As he was backing away he continued to talk, “I’m leaving now. Please don’t do any thing rash. I promise I’ll never bother you again. Just don’t shoot me – PLEASE!”

      I watched as he continued out the door and sat in the passenger seat. He was not the driver. What had happened to the driver? He and the other guy came up to the counter, and each bought a magazine and soft drink from me.

      I held the gun in my right hand, rang the items with my left, as I had them back away. Then I said to the first, “O.K. your total is $1.39. Come up and put your money on the counter. He laid down $2.00. O.K. now back away, I said, as I put the two items in a bag, and put 61 cents on the counter. Now come up and get your change, and take your items with you.” I did the same for the other guy.

      Both stood there for awhile, looking through the glass window at their friend, who was waving frantically for them to get out, start the car, and drive away. “Look at that idiot!” one of them said. The other chimed in with, “I bet you made him wet his pants, and that’s why he won’t come back in.” Then wishing me a good day, laughing as they departed, they went on their way.

      Later, because it was indeed a funny story, and because he was a man who thought like me when it came to bad guys, I told my manager about the incident. He laughed and said, “You just don’t have any respect for these bad guys, do you Joe?” “What’s to respect? I asked. All they are is low grade morons.” To which he said, “You’ve got that right!” Then he gave me my nickname. He said, “I think I’m going to start calling you “Dirty Joe.” We both laughed, and I must admit I rather enjoyed what he was referring to.

      You see, back in 1971, Clint Eastwood had introduced a character on the big screen via a police inspector they called “Dirty Harry.” It happened that Harry’s last name was Callihan – the same as mine! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!