There have been several things that have become evident to me through my therapy sessions:
#1. Our particular relationship can never be what it was or ended up being—physical and sexual.
#2. For me an exclusive physical relationship is completely out of the question and no longer an open consideration. It is contrary to my commitment as a professed religious. It is contrary to our religious lifestyle.
These two facts have become more firmly a reality if I intend to remain in a celibate community ministering to people...and I do intend to do this.
I said I am being honest with you, John, so I will not hide this either. Without revealing your name, I have shared our experience, mine as well as yours, with Father Brian Doran, a very close and respected friend. He has been, and is, very supportive, understanding, and helpful. He is more than willing to talk about this with you...should you ever feel you need or want to. My sincere hope is that you would be open to it. There are too many consequences, risks, and problems involved in our future as religious priest not to do or say anything about it. I really do care about our future as religious, as ministers...both of us have much to offer. Both of us have specific skills, talents and insights that can and do help others. Lets not waste these, John. My life and future as a religious priest means much too much to me...how about you?
I have said all that I feel needs to be said at this time, John. Do not be angry or afraid, I care too much for you. You are not, and will not be left alone, especially by me...I’m in the same boat, my friend. I would like to see you have a better understanding of yourself and situation...better means of dealing with “things” (you know what I’m talking about), things that will effect you for the rest of your life. I feel it is time that you started caring and ministering more to yourself than to anyone else right now...my own feelings of course!
Written with much love and care, H
PS Whatever it is your feeling now, I'm still with, and for, you.
Several months passed before I heard from Father John. He wrote to me about how much he was enjoying his new overseas assignment in Nigeria with the new seminarians and made it a point to express how much he enjoyed swimming with them in the local river. I knew right away what he meant by that and felt disgusted and sick for the young seminarians involved. I truly regret that, at that time, I chose not to alert anyone because of my desire not to “go there again” and to just move on with my life. Looking back on Father John’s response, I see clearly now how he felt confident enough in his presumed sense of power over me, to indicate in his letters his continued sexual escapades with other young seminarians. He must have known that there was nothing I would say or do about this, and at the time, he was right and he counted on this.
I chose, right then and there, to put our relationship behind me and never again replied to any of Father John’s letters. I did not permit myself to think about those other seminarians who, I believed, were being groomed and sexually assaulted by him as I had been. I just wanted to stop thinking about Father John and how upset and disturbed his memory still made me feel.
CHAPTER 5
Church Response
In 1995, some fifteen years after leaving the Claretian Missionary Order, I received a brief letter from Father John Raab attempting to reestablish communication with me. I did not reply but became alarmed when Father John indicated in this note that he was seeking yet another overseas mission assignment working with young students. After several days of serious contemplation, I felt compelled to report the sexual assault experiences I had with Father John to his current religious superiors. This was to be the first time I was ever to speak about my sexual experience with Father John, to anyone within the Claretian Missionary Order.
I sent the following written correspondences as warnings to the Claretian Provincial regarding Father John’s predatory behavior and future assignments. I'm told that my letters are on file with the Claretian Missionary Order and their responses speak for themselves. I first sent the following letter to Father Frank Ferrante, CMF, one of the Claretian provincial government representatives and a former House of Studies Prefect of mine. This letter was sent on January 24, 1995:
Dear Father Ferrante,
I'm writing to request your recommendation on a very personal concern of mine. The year before I left the community, I had spent a summer in Ft. Worth at Saint Anne's parish I believe it was called. There I met Father John Raab and worked the entire summer under his influence and direction. It was also there that Father John Raab seduced me into a physical sexual relationship with him. It is my feeling now that he took advantage of me and caused me great emotional and spiritual distress. That Fall he was sent away to Nigeria. I was devastated by the separation and could not confide in my superiors the pain I experienced. It was this experience and relationship that ultimately led to my request for a formal “Leave of Absence” from the Claretian Missionary Order.
During my time away from the Claretians, Father John continued to correspond with me from Nigeria, informing me how much he loved it and especially his relationship with so many seminarians. On one occasion, Father John came to visit me, and brought photos of himself and the “students” bathing and swimming in a local river. He told me how much he enjoyed swimming with the students and that they would “wrestle” and hold each other a lot while swimming. There was an implication of sexual arousal between him and the students, which at the time I gave little thought to.
I then recalled an outing that I, Father John, and the entire Ft. Worth CMF community made to a lake near San Marcos. I vividly recall Father John holding me in the water and pressing his “hard-on” up against my back. He would caress my butt and stroke my penis whenever no one was looking. He was very deceptive and cunning among the others swimming around us. No one ever saw or even suspected a thing was going on between us that day. This “playfulness” eventually led to sexual encounters between us back at the rectory and away from the rectory.
I have received several letters from Father John this past year informing me that he wishes to return to Nigeria. I have not answered any of his letters, nor do I wish to correspond with him. I am concerned about his being placed in a position of authority over younger males. It is my opinion that Father John is a sexual predator and should not be allowed to have control over younger students, especially seminarians! I was informed by Father John himself, about several sexual affairs with younger men in Ft. Worth while he and I were involved, and was even introduced to one who worked near the rectory.
As you well know, my life’s work is working with adult male victims of childhood trauma and sexual victimization. I recognize the behavior, I have experienced this man’s method of operation for making physical sexual contact with other males. I have a moral obligation to speak of what I know about this perpetrator.
I want this information to be given to those who would assign Father John to a teaching or spiritual director position among students. Please advise me how I can pass on this information and to whom it needs to be addressed. I will hold off sending a more detailed letter of this to your current provincial until I hear from you first. I trust you understand my position and urgency in this. I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Hank Estrada
P.S. Obviously, Father John has no idea that I'm writing this as a result of his recent letters to me and so I would welcome your recommendation as to who in the order should be the one to inform him of the contents of this letter.
I received the following reply from Father Ferrante:.
Ferrante Letter
Here is the letter I sent on January 29, 1995, to Claretian Provincial Martens:
Dear Father Martens,
Enclosed