How to Divide Your Family's Estate and Heirlooms Peacefully & Sensibly. Julie Ph.D. Hall

      •Don't be part of the problem.

      •Don't be impatient. This is a very tedious process fraught with emotional expectations. Everyone needs to do their best to work together.

      •Don't expect to get everything you would like to have.

      •Don't believe that just because it's old, it's valuable. Get the facts from a professional.

      •Don't badger the executor. Certainly it may appear as if the executor is procrastinating and in some cases, they might be. Understand that this process is time consuming. The executor must wait for certain timetables and events to take place. Sometimes they have to wait for answers from other professionals and are at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. Also, each individual state has its own timetable of what has to take place and when.

      •Don't be a martyr. If you want something, ask politely. No regrets or bringing it up later.

      •Don't rush your decisions on what you would like to have from the estate.

      •Don't break up sets if you can help it, for example, china, crystal, silver flatware, etc.

      •Don't confuse sentimental value with monetary value.

      Ethics and Etiquette

      Following these simple rules of etiquette and ethics will help you and your family to keep the peace, love, compassion, and trust flowing throughout the process:

      •The Executor should set the expectations and share the overall process with the heirs present during an initial meeting. If they cannot all be physically present due to distance, arrange a conference call. At the very least, all heirs should be emailed or sent letters detailing the process, and all documents should go out at the same time to each heir.

      •Agree that everyone will do everything they can to keep the peace while being fair and honest.

      •Always seek to take the “high road” in any given situation, which will make it a win-win for everyone.

      •Agree that all potential treasures or unique finds discovered during the cleaning and dividing process will be fully disclosed to all heirs for determination of distribution and proper valuation appraisal.

      •Understand any laws that dictate how personal property is to be handled within your state, especially if there is no will or no specific bequests associated with the will. Sometimes probate can take quite a while and in some cases, personal property division can be held up until that is sorted out.

      •Be willing to forfeit an item you really wanted in order to keep the peace. (But keep it equitable -- no one should get the lion's share)

      •It is best when this only involve siblings -- no in-laws, no grandchildren -- no matter how well-meaning they are. Keep it simple. The more people that are involved, the more complex become the issues.