Drawing the Line, with Respect
When your children were much younger, you taught them not to say anything hurtful to others, even though such comments were spoken in innocence. Similarly, your teenager does not have the right to blurt out hurtful comments but should be expected to use common sense and courtesy as a guide.
Some teens will go out of their way to make especially hurtful and derogatory comments to their parents. Yet these same parents, who so carefully taught earlier lessons to their young children, seem inept at teaching them to their teenagers. Instead, they shoulder the brunt of their teens’ hurtful remarks under the auspices that an adolescent needs to vent angry emotions.
This faulty thinking does a disservice to both of you. If your child has that much pent up anger and aggression, perhaps he or she is in need of counseling to unravel the underpinnings of their rage. Let us all agree that your children, regardless of age, should not be encouraged to utter every thought that comes into their heads without some type of censoring ability and impulse control.
For example, it is not within the standard of acceptable verbiage to announce to one’s parents that they are hated, or stupid, or that they are wished dead. If your adolescent is angry at a punishment you have issued, he or she may vent their feelings and displeasure in the privacy of their room, or to their friends out of earshot and without your knowledge. But to announce such feelings to you directly, or simply in your presence, is dis-respectful and should not be tolerated. Name-calling is a sign of immaturity (which is to be expected) and disrespect (which is not). If you do not execute a consequence, you are doing your teenager a disservice by being a lazy parent. Disrespect is a form of misbehavior that should be identified and dealt with rapidly and without negotiation.
Adam and Cheryl
As soon as the Schneider family entered therapy we knew it was going to take some major restructuring to define each parent’s role with relation to their two children, Adam and Cheryl, ages fourteen and fifteen respectively. From the moment the parents began an attempt to relay to us what they believed the problems were in the household, Adam began talking over his father, accusing him of “not having a clue” what he was talk-ing about. Cheryl chimed in, saying, “Both our parents are so lame, it’s ridiculous that we even have to be here.” Then both teens agreed they had better things to do with their time than to spend it in a therapy session.
Mr. and Mrs. Schneider shrugged their shoulders helplessly and said, “You see, this is what we have to put up with.”
We told the teens that we were here to assist the family to learn better methods of communicating with each other, methods that were based on respect and common courtesy. They looked blank, and bored, until we got their attention by saying, “If your parents agree, all of you will be spending one hour each week with us, working on your ability to be more pleasant and courteous.”
The teens were shocked that someone had dared to challenge their authority; certainly their parents had little capability of setting boundaries with regard to the manner in which they were spoken to. We identified those areas that we believed constituted respectful conversation and those that did not. The siblings were quick to accuse us of forcing them to “act fake” and of not allowing them to say what was on their minds.
The Schneiders looked to us for guidance, as they were about to be manipulated by the very idea that their children should be able to speak aloud anything that was on their minds, to the detriment of others. We explained to the teenagers that their ideas and concerns were not being “shut down,” but that the way in which they approached their conversation was to be reworked. For the next three weeks Adam and Cheryl rebelled at this new style of respectful conversation, until we announced the creation of a behavior chart that would assist them in “remembering” how to speak with their parents. Within one week of upholding consequences that were the direct result of disrespect, both Schneider teens quickly changed their tunes; although they did not like having to modify what had become a game of putting their parents on the defensive, they disliked being without their privileges more. The Schneider adults continued in therapy for several more months while they gained some much-needed parenting skills.
In our opinion, respect is one of the four cornerstones of behavior, along with trust, kindness and integrity. Without these cornerstones, there is nothing solid upon which a strong foundation can be built, and without a foundation, your child’s behavior will have no base for positive growth and development. The rules of conduct are made not by us but by society, and observing them—or failing to observe them—will determine your child’s future. Disrespect in school today may only get your teenager one hour in study hall, but in the vast arena of life, their disrespect may one day cost them their employment or their marriage.
We have all stood in the presence of someone who has spoken their mind to the detriment of others, ignorantly displaying bias or gender harassment, and we have all pondered their upbringing. That adult is your child if you do not curtail their insistence on saying every hurtful comment that pops into their head.
No Debates, Please
Of course, children do not appreciate being corrected on their behavior; they take deep offense when they are not entitled to say and do whatever they please. That is too bad. If you, or a teacher or police officer, or any other person in authority issues a directive, it is to be followed; end of story!
Teenagers love a good debate, and will take the opportunity whenever it avails itself. If you allow your child to debate your decisions, you are sending the incorrect message that you and they are equal on a level playing field. You are not. This is not a competition; therefore, when you declare a conversation is finished, the subject is over.
Teenagers should not be invited to enter into any type of debate with you, nor should lengthy defensive explanations be given when the outcome of a decision is not favorable to your child. The oldest trick in the book is to force a change of mind with manipulation—wearing you down and confusing you until you can no longer remember the premise of your ideas or the manner in which you reached your conclusion. This trickery is aimed at undermining your parental role. The opinions of your teenagers are often invaluable when asked for, but your adolescent son or daughter has no business butting into any adult conversation uninvited and uninformed.
Further, if your teen demands to know how you came to your conclusion about an issue, you should not make them privy to the details surrounding your decision. Unless their safety is at stake, to include them in lengthy conversations is to cast them into the role of co-adult.
Parents of young children are capable of issuing directives such as “Never run into the street” without question and following up with a severe consequence if that directive isn’t followed. Yet, those same parents cannot enforce a directive to their teenager, allowing it to be debated or ignored.
We want to yell out, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you be as certain, now that your child is older, about the dangers that lurk about? Why don’t you demand the respect you deserve? Where have you gone wrong and what are you going to do about it?”
Mary’s Story
From an early age Mary had an uncanny ability to “see through” explanations she was given by her parents. By the time she had matriculated to junior high school her debating expertise was known throughout her family and among friends and teachers. In fact, Mary was so bright that she argued just to argue, finding fun in winning, often at the expense of humiliating those around her. When the school suggested she come into therapy, Mary was thrilled at the prospect of a