Taking a Personal Inventory
The checklist that follows will allow you to take a personal inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. This inventory is made by you, not anyone else, and for you, as you are now. It consists of unfinished phrases designed to make you think. Obviously they cannot be answered fully in the small space on the page, nor completed in one minute, or perhaps even one day. We suggest that you copy these unfinished sentences into a journal or notebook where you can write about them at length. Even if you don’t write out your answers, we hope you will think about them as you drive, as you cook, as you walk the dog. As you work with them, the truth will come.
The checklist is not all inclusive. Begin our list and then add specifics of your own, keeping in mind that your life is dynamic not stagnant, that your evolving life will not answer the questions in the same manner next year or perhaps even next month. We are growing, and with growth comes insight. Every experience is a life lesson from which you continue to carve out your path. Keep moving, take the journey, don’t stand still and let the elements beat you down. You decide what to keep in your life and what to discard; you decide those things that need some fine tuning and those things that are just fine.
Before you begin, if you make yourself a promise not to divulge your answers to another living soul, you will free yourself from the opinions of others and the fear of external judgment, which will allow you to speak (or write or think about) the truth. And as someone once very adeptly said, “The truth will set you free.”
My Personal Inventory
Part I
Instructions: Here are some guidelines as you edit your own list.
•If you chose not to answer some sentences, or add in others, please do.
•Remember, this inventory is unique and personal to you. It is meant to acquaint you with the person you are and the person you may strive to become.
•It is best to complete this inventory within a few days.
•Some questions may conjure memories of days gone by, be they positive or negative, and you may feel compelled to write more than a few sentences. That’s good!
•Some unfinished sentences can remain unfinished, especially if you are not ready to face some issues and the feelings they may elicit.
•Please make note of the sentences you choose to skip at this time, as they may be covering unfinished business. You can always go back to them at a later time, when you are ready.
I believe I am a good person because…
I believe I am a good friend because…
I have never really learned to roll with the punches because…
I am without anxiety only when…
I don’t believe that people will like me if they actually knew…
One of the secrets I have been carrying for a long time is…
I am ashamed of…
One of my saddest experiences was…
The happiest day of my life was…
In springtime I feel…
When I see a newborn baby I feel…
When I see an old person I think about…
The person I miss the most is … because…
When I was young my worst fear was…
I believe (or don’t believe) that I am lovable because…
When I can’t sleep in the dark of night my thoughts turn to…
I pretend that I like…
If I could change my life I would do…
I hope that on my deathbed I don’t regret…
Part II
After you have completed your inventory take some time to go back to each line item and recall a person or event that may have influenced your perception of yourself and your accomplishments or failures with regard to that issue or item. Now that time has intervened, some space exists between your perceptions of yourself and those implied by others. This may allow you to re-evaluate their opinions, and perhaps to unearth their hidden agendas around you, which might have been previously missed. This investigation may be emotionally challenging, but this exercise will assist you in becoming more in touch with yourself and your feelings.
Being Okay With Strengths and Weaknesses
If you cry openly at sad movies, so be it; if you laugh a little too loudly, or snort like a pig when you really let loose, then that’s okay. If you have a temper, or punish people with silence, if you have a jealous streak or secretly wish people unhappiness, fess up, at least to yourself. Then decide which of these things will prevent you from becoming an effective step-parent, keeping in mind that step-parenting isn’t just about taking care of someone else’s child. Step-parenting is about really allowing yourself to love a human being who wasn’t born from your body, but whose entire life can be impacted by you just the same.
Conversely, if you are not certain about your character attributes and flaws, you may find yourself wallowing in self-pity or seething in anger every time something doesn’t go your way; if this is the case we suggest you prepare yourself for the inevitable because there will be plenty of times that will be the case. However, if you can rise above the fray, secure in your position, comfortable in your own skin, with a strong sense of who you are and where you are going, even your staunchest dissenters will soften to your honesty. In the business of step-parenting, you are an ambassador of sorts, bridging together splintered families, soothing children who have been wounded on the divorce battlefields, blending your new family and your old family with sensitivity and humor, warmth and compassion, patience and love.
Rebecca’s Story
Rebecca was tearful throughout most of her first meeting with us; she had difficulty expressing her feelings other than to indicate that she felt excluded within her blended family. When we asked her to give examples to illuminate these feelings of exclusion, she seemed embarrassed, as if her examples would seem frivolous when they were put into words. Clearly she had difficulty communicating her feelings. At the end of her first session we invited her to go home and work with the questions in the Personal Inventory. Over the next week she begin jotting down some specific examples of situations that have caused her much emotional pain.
As we anticipated, Rebecca’s journaling in the privacy of her home allowed her to be less inhibited. The following week, when she produced her journal, it was evident that the common denominator of every situation was her insecurity about her new role as a step-parent, defined by her spouse’s mother (Helen) who happened to live on the same block. At first it appeared to Rebecca that she was accepted by Helen, especially since Helen offered her assistance even when Rebecca hadn’t asked for it; she always managed to drop by the house with the children’s favorite cookies or a casserole just as the children stepped off the school bus. But Rebecca soon noticed her feelings of insecurity intensified when she could never seem to come up with the “right” directives to her step-children. If Rebecca told them they could go out to play, Helen suggested they finish their homework first; if Rebecca offered them one of Helen’s home-made cookies, Helen reminded Rebecca that the cookies were for dessert only after the children cleaned their dinner plates. At first Rebecca was grateful for these helpful parenting hints, but over time she found that she couldn’t make any decisions without Helen stepping in with the last word.
Rebecca was grateful for her mother-in-law’s “mentoring” but she was becoming increasingly unhappy that none of her own choices seemed to be correct. By the end of Rebecca’s second session in our office it was obvious that without a clear sense of herself, her self-esteem would continue to spiral downward at the hands