8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting
Nadir Baksh, Psy.D. & Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0116-4
© 2010, Nadir Baksh
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of quotes used in critical articles and reviews.
Cover design: Adi Zuccarel o: www.adizuccarello.com Layout and Interior Design: Zac Parker, Kadak Graphics, Prescott, Arizona
DEDICATION
We are constantly reminded that children’s lives are shaped more by the individuals with whom they are linked than by genetics or world events. Each of us teaches lessons, positively or negatively, that impact generations. Children are our immediate future. This book is dedicated to step-parents everywhere, whose selfless devotion and sacrifices have changed the course of their children’s lives. Jose Gonzalez was one of those people.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing a book is serious business. The written word carries enormous weight; consequently these words must be carefully chosen. We are aware of the individual influences that have come together to help us formulate our ideas, shape our philosophies, and believe in our work with all our heart. We acknowledge these influences.
We have learned about human behavior from those individuals right under our noses; for us it was the carefree innocence of our children that taught us (rather than the other way around), unaware of the lessons they were giving. Nothing, we discovered, is more filled with wonder than a wobbly toddler, more willing to learn than an enthusiastic student, more defiant than a rebellious teenager, and more resilient than the human spirit of the child. We acknowledge our children.
We work in a profession that offers us firsthand glimpses into unraveling families, splintered marriages, and hopeful second chances; and close contact with adults who strive to successfully blend families, sometimes against all odds. We are always amazed by their tenacity, their angst and their ability to right themselves even when their world tilts. We are proud to be a part of our clients’ lives and congratulate them on their accomplishments.
This book is born after a very long labor; it has been meticulously nursed by our managing editor, Regina Sara Ryan, who believed that we could do better, and would not allow us to stop writing until we had. The entire Hohm Press team has always stepped into the background as they pushed us into the limelight; we could not have done it without them.
Most of all we are humbled by Divine Intervention, placing us where we need to be when we need to be there.
INTRODUCTION
This is a book about step-parenting. It is also a book about cooperation, understanding, teamwork, forgiveness, accountability and love.
This book is for you:
•If you are already a step-parent, or you are soon to become one
•If you are a biologic parent who is about to remarry or has remarried
•If you have been happily married but experienced the untimely death of your spouse and have now decided to remarry.
We have tried to exclude no one. Whether you are in an orthodox or unorthodox family structure, if the circumstances that have brought you to our book include the goal of successfully blending your new family, whether you have ever parented or never parented before, we have the compass to guide you on the road to happy and successful step-parenting.
This book covers 8 Strategies designed to help you create a realistic vision of who you are, and where you would like to be within your new “blended family”—a term that applies to the combination of children and adults from previous marriages, but also includes all other pertinent members of the prior family unit who will continue to impact the current family. These individuals include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, close family friends and even the family dog; in other words, any person (or pet) who has played an integral role in the lives of the children, and who will continue to be important in their lives.
Each chapter will build upon the previous ones, incorporating questions such as:
•Are my expectations realistic?
•Can I achieve them?
•What type of emotional support can I expect from my spouse?
•What is the significance of each person’s role in the new family dynamics?
Your relationship to your partner’s former spouse (or your partner’s relationship to your former spouse) will be addressed, since this person is integral to the confusion around, and the solution to, much of the turmoil surrounding your step-children’s behavior, and how this turmoil can be lessened.
8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting especially recognizes the importance of your role as a step-parent, and the sacrifices you have chosen to make in order to successfully blend your new family. As with any endeavor, there will be some bumps in your journey. Throughout the book, we will stress the importance of asking for assistance when you come up against a major roadblock or a “Dead End.” We believe there is a resolution to every problem, and will offer guidance as you confront your difficulties head-on, and find the joy you initially envisioned when you agreed to become a step-parent.
Vignettes of thirty-one families and individuals are included throughout the book. These are based on the true experiences of our clients (modified to protect identity), and hopefully will serve to clarify each of the strategies presented here. Although these stories may not be specific to your predicaments, they will surely highlight aspects of a situation you have gone through alone, or issues that you too have misunderstood. Your circumstances are unique to your family, but we trust that all our readers have the common denominator of wanting things to be better. And we know they can be!
Step-parenting is serious business that can be enormously rewarding both to you and your step-children. This book will assist you in gaining insight and understanding into your own expertise with relationships and parenting, as well as with the hidden pitfalls that can hamper the success of any blended family. It is written not only for those individuals who are step-parents, but also for the biological parent-partners whose guidance, input and support is vital to the cohesiveness of the family unit. Both of you need to work hand in hand in a true partnership, but this good intention is often misdirected unless both partners are given ample information.
We have organized a wealth of experience into these eight necessary step-parenting strategies. A strategy is a plan of action to pave the road as you attain your goals. Every goal is unique and completely within your grasp. Enjoy your journey!
What This Book Will Cover
Strategy #1: Know Who You Are: Take A Personal Inventory will address the foundational issues of:
•Defining your new role for yourself
•Learning more about yourself
•Assessing your potential strengths and weaknesses as a step-parent.
Here we will encourage you to awaken your senses as you sample our Personal Inventory, Sentence Completion Assignment.
We created this tool to help you gain insight as you become acquainted with your true self.
Strategy #2: Examine Your Expectations deals with various issues ranging from dating to marriage. These include:
•Assessing realistic and unrealistic expectations
•What to do when children say they “hate” the new partner