“It looks great,” she crooned, “It’s so sweet of you to get it all ready like this.”
Eric looked up from the stack of mail in his hand and smiled. “It’s the least I could do.”
“Well, I appreciate it,” she said as she reached over to give him a hug. His attention was now riveted on the pile of bills and the smile that had just been there was replaced by a frown. Worry gnawed deeper in her gut once again when she saw his expression.
She knew he was worried about how they were going to pay the bills, with her suddenly not being able to work. They hadn’t been able to save much money to live on during her maternity leave, but they’d managed to put some aside. This unexpected bump in the road would use that up and more. Tears burned her eyes again. Would this never end?
“I’m sorry.” She felt like it was all her fault. His silence wasn’t helping her feel any differently. He turned to look at her, his expression guarded.
“It’ll be okay,” he said as he squeezed her shoulder, “Don’t I always take care of you? I’ll figure something out.”
She wanted his assurance to comfort her, but it didn’t. All she could think about was the money she wouldn’t be making for the next three months. If she went full term, she’d be on bed rest for seven weeks. She’d be lucky if she could take the minimum six weeks of maternity leave at that point. Annie knew she’d feel compelled to cut it short for the sake of their budget. All of these worries stacked themselves neatly upon her shoulders as well as her heart, and she felt as though she were made of lead.
Eric helped her get settled into her new accommodations. The hide-a-bed was positioned exactly in front of the T.V. and a stack of current women’s magazines sat on the end table next to the bed. A tall glass of ice water sat nearby, tiny droplets of condensation running down its sides, forming a ring on the table below. The phone was placed within close reach. She climbed into her new nest.
“This is really comfy,” she said to him as she sank back into the mound of pillows. “I hope I still think that a month from now.”
“Why wouldn’t you? I’d give anything to be able to lie around in bed and be waited on for weeks! You’ve got it made!”
Annie knew he was just trying to be jolly and keep her spirits up, but really - who was he kidding? Did he really think this was great? That she was lucky? She didn’t want to think about it or talk about it now. She just wanted to fast forward to her due date and deliver their healthy little baby.
“Are you hungry?” Eric asked. “It’s almost lunchtime.”
“No, not really. Maybe later.” She pulled the sheet up under her chin. “I think I’ll sleep for a while.” Now that she thought about it, she was exhausted – and besides that, she wanted to escape. Sleep worked well that way.
“Okay,” he started, “Well, if you’re going to sleep, I think I’ll go in to the office for a while. There’s a ton of work I need to get caught up on.”
“That’s fine.” She snuggled down under the covers and looked up at him. He leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly before he turned to leave. “Why don’t you give Sally a call and ask her to come and stay with you?”
“Did you forget? Frank and Sally are on a sabbatical in India for a month.” The thought of the aunt and uncle who were her only family, being so far away, made her feel especially lonely. She needed them now, much like she did after each of her parents had died, so many years ago.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’ll be fine. Who knows? By the time they get back, we’ll probably have a baby!” And with that, he kissed the top of her head, and left for the office.
Annie wondered what happened to being treated like a queen and being waited on hand and foot. They had only been home a half hour and she was already on her own. Then she berated herself for being so self-absorbed. Of course he needed to go to work – they needed the money more than ever now. She closed her eyes before the tears could start because she knew that Eric needed to escape for a while too. The thought that her husband needed to get away from her and their baby, from the fear and uncertainty that engulfed her, made the pit of her stomach sting with despair.
A day and a half later, she had an appointment at the clinic to see how things were going. The baby had been less active, but she attributed that to the fact that she was less active as well. The appointment was with Dr. Hayes, a doctor she’d never heard of, but he was the only one with time available. The nurse midwives she’d been seeing at the clinic considered her too high risk; she needed a “real” doctor now.
He strode into the small exam room with the self-assurance of a movie star, a quarterback, a god. Later on Annie couldn’t decide if these were qualities that she gave to him or if he was really like that. At any rate, he exuded confidence. The confidence faltered a bit when the Doptone couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat.
“I’ve always hated these things,” he said, his face reddening with every syllable. “I’ll get the stethoscope.” He untangled a goofy looking contraption with tubes and metal earpieces from a hook on the wall. It also had a strange metal headband on it, which Annie would’ve found amusing if it were another situation. It looked like something from Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory.
Dr. Hayes placed the bell of the instrument on her belly and listened carefully. You could’ve heard a pin drop, but all that they listened for was a heartbeat. It seemed that everyone was holding their breath. He frowned and repositioned the stethoscope, and waited intently for what seemed like forever. Beads of perspiration formed on his forehead as he bent over Annie. He moved it around, hoping to find the precious sound.
Annie looked up at the ceiling of the exam room, her heart beating wildly. She tried her best to calm it down, but it was no use. If only she could give some of her heartbeats to her baby, then everything would be okay. She said a brief prayer, asking God for the strength she was going to need soon.
The doctor straightened up while removing the stethoscope from his forehead which was dripping with nervous perspiration. His expression was grim. He looked as though he would rather be anywhere but where he was at that moment. He wiped the sweat from his brow with his forearm and placed the stethoscope on the counter top.
“Annie, Eric,” he said in a quiet but strong voice, “I can’t find a heartbeat. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there, but just that it’s too faint for me to find with my ears alone. I want you guys to go down to the hospital for an ultrasound. Just so that we know what’s going on.”
It was only a fifteen minute drive to the hospital, but it was the longest and yet the shortest drive of Annie’s life. As the skyline of downtown Minneapolis came into view, she knew that she’d think of this moment whenever she saw it, for the rest of her life. The sooner they got there, the sooner they’d know ‘what’s going on.’ In her heart she knew what the doctor was trying not to say, but she couldn’t let herself even think it, let alone utter the words to Eric. They rode in silence.
Silence and denial became the modus operandi for their lives. Any tendencies they had to ignore the obvious and live in oblivion became cemented in their repertoires during that ride to the hospital. They were changed forever.
Once at the hospital, they were ushered to the ultrasound room. There had been no reason to have an ultrasound before this, so it would be Annie’s first. The room was dark, with an exam table in the middle. It was covered with white paper like all exam tables were, but there was also a large hospital pillow there for her head. They were greeted by a familiar face. Dr. Lewis, the young resident, was waiting for them.
“Hi Annie, Eric,” she said gently, “I’m on call tonight so I’ll be helping Dr. Hayes – he’s on call too. Let’s have you get up on the table here.”
Annie