R A I S I N G
ABLE
How chores
empower families
By Susan Tordella
Black Eyed Susan Publications
Boston
Raising Able: How chores empower families
By Susan Tordella
Publications
www.raisingable.com, telephone 978-846-2811
Second edition
Copyright 2011 by Susan Tordella
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by an information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0008-2
What people say about
Susan’s Positive Parenting Plan
“I took Susan’s parenting class in desperation when my sons were 7 and 5 years old. My youngest acted out all the time and was rude and uncooperative. The class taught me to set limits and stick to them, disengage from power struggles and establish family meeting times so we all could express ourselves. Learning
Susan’s positive parenting plan helped our family to get along better, respect each other more, and enjoy family life. Today my sons are happy, independent adults whose company my husband and I enjoy. They mean it when they tell us they’re glad about the way they were raised.”
Denali Delmar, Westford, Mass.
“Susan’s workshops showed our family the value of family meetings. All six of us gathered every Sunday night for as long as an hour to talk about the highs and lows of our week, plan dinner menus, divide up chores, and get to know each other better. Even the youngest had chores that her older siblings taught her how to do. The meetings gave our family a regular time to slow down and connect.”
Barbara Caldwell-Miller, Littleton, Mass.
What people say about
Susan’s Positive Parenting Plan
“Susan’s positive parenting plan reminded me to take better care of myself and my marriage. I climbed out my funk, and our family is stronger. She taught me to set kind and firm limits with the children. Susan’s down-to-earth advice makes my days easier. I have more energy to welcome our third child into the world.”
Bernadett Campbell, Stoneham, Mass.
“When my 2-year-old refused to stay in bed at night I lost sleep and worried about his safety. Reasoning, bribery and being very stern failed. Nothing worked until Susan gave me ‘permission’ to close the door.”
D.F., Westford, Mass.
“When Susan invited us to bring unfinished craft projects to class to practice encouraging each other for our efforts, it showed me the importance of not only encouraging our children, but of self-encouragement.
Learning how to encourage has given me courage to try new things and be a lifelong learner.”
K.S, Westford, Mass.
Preface
The key is changing our habits, and in particular,
the habits of our mind.
Pema Chödrön
My approach to parenting changed radically after one lazy August afternoon at the community swimming pool when I angrily gave Ian, 21 months, a “time out” in a corner of the chain link fence around the pool while another mother, Jamie Bafundo, watched.
“I told you to leave Noah alone!” I said, and led Ian to a corner for trying to take Noah’s float again. I believed that making Ian suffer for antagonizing his brother was the only way he would learn to behave.
Sound familiar?
Jamie observed the scenario without comment. I didn’t know her well. We started chatting. After a few minutes she said, “Why don’t you come to a parenting class in September? It has helped me be a better mother.”
“I don’t want to go to a gripe session.”
“It’s not that. We read a book together and talk about it. I’ve learned to deal with my children without yelling,” Jamie said.
That was a selling point. The youngest three of Jamie’s five children played peacefully in the same baby pool where mine were fighting. The group would be led by a mother, not an “expert” who had never taken care of children for extended time.
“We’ll have a babysitter to take care of the children during class. We pitch in to pay her,” Jamie said.
Now we were talking. At the very least, I’d have a break from my gang of three born in three in a half years, and hopefully learn something.
“Okay. How do I sign up?” I said.
Jamie Bafundo and the Family Education Center of Delaware introduced me to one consistent positive parenting plan that transformed our family, and provided a foundation for nearly thirty years of parenting. Based on the psychology of Alfred Adler, M.D., the approach shepherded me through thirteen years of sharing my home and car with my four teens and two teenage exchange students.
The Adlerian way became my rudder. I didn’t have to blow in the wind with the latest parenting trends. Alfred Adler was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, all members of Freud’s famous Wednesday Group that founded modern psychiatry in the early 1900s. Adler’s psychology is based on the idea the primary need of humans is to belong to a social group. He introduced the concepts of birth order and natural and logical consequences instead of punishment and reward. It is theorized that Adler is not as famous as Freud and Jung because Adler’s writing was less powerful and persuasive.
Adler’s protégé, Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D., translated the dry theory into practice, formed parenting centers and began dispensing advice that made families more democratic and less autocratic. Dreikurs published the seminal book, Children: the Challenge in 1964 with co-author Vicki Soltz. While a bit dated, families today face similar problems that can benefit from the insightful analysis and suggestions in Children the Challenge.
I began taking an eight-week parenting skills study group in the fall and spring, and sometimes one in the summer. After a few years, I learned enough from my mistakes and successes to start co-leading parenting workshops. I like to joke, “I taught what I most needed to learn.”
Our family moved to the Boston area in 1990. I began offering parenting skills workshops at a nearby community center. Parents joined a group to learn a new approach to one of life’s most difficult and rewarding tasks. Some people signed up because they came from a dysfunctional family and wanted to learn a positive parenting approach that they had never experienced.
One participant said, “My parents were both alcoholics. We were left to grow up on our own. I’m lucky I turned out as normally as I did. We want to do something different for our children, but don’t have a clue what a normal family is.” Her husband, Bill, an entrepreneur,