Royce, going to the timber yard, where he makes all our money.
Once, though, by chance, I saw him standing naked in the black-and-white-tiled bathroom before the big basin, and I dared to go up to him and touch the thing dangling there temptingly like a bell. I reached up and said, “Ding dong!,” swinging it back and forth with my little fingers, much to his ire.
My father’s Rolls-Royce coming in the gate at Crossways.
Maxine will be the one to explain the strange secrets of sex to me. We are walking together on the dry lawn—it is winter in the Highveld, and the grass is yellow and stiff. She tells me how the man puts his part into the woman to make a baby.
“It’s not true!” I exclaim.
“But it is. Cross my heart,” she says.
At the thought of this absurdity I fall to the grass and roll around in laughter, holding my stomach. For some reason this seems extraordinarily funny to me.
My sister says severely, “There is nothing funny about it at all!”
VIII
WEDDINGS
I DO NOT GO TO MY SISTER’S WEDDING IN JOHANNESBURG, though she has come to mine. There are so many times in her short life when I have let her down, betrayed her, when she has called out to me, and I have refused to respond. Once, much later, she comes to America with her children and rents a beautiful yacht on Chesapeake Bay. She telephones me in Connecticut, where we are spending the summer, and asks me to join her. “Please come,” she says, but I refuse, so preoccupied with my own paltry problems, my own obsessions, and my own husband. Perhaps, too, I need to see the world through other eyes, eyes that are no longer hers.
Why was I not at her wedding? I do not remember the reason I gave my only sister. Was it because I had let myself be carried along entirely by my husband, like a leaf caught up in the current of a strong river, buoyed up by his needs and desires?
Was it because my husband did not want to confront this crowd of relatives and friends, who had repeatedly told him on his wedding day what a lucky man he was to marry me? Was he obliged to pass an examination that day, and did he wish to have me at his side? Or was it that I was glad that part of me had escaped this old world of my childhood, my relatives, my mother, even my sister, and entered a new, brash American world? Instead I sent a telegram wishing that the bells would ring harmoniously. Maxine responded saying they had, indeed. Perhaps they had.
Yet Maxine stood behind me as a bridesmaid at my wedding like a white shadow. All the bridesmaids were in white. She followed me up the aisle, as I had followed her as a child around the garden, doing whatever she did, as I will wish to follow her into death. When I accepted the ring, she held my bouquet for me, as she would later hold my baby. There was no engagement ring. How could this twenty-one-year-old boy produce such a thing?
I walked up to the altar in the Anglican stone church, St. Martin’s-in-the-Veld, in Johannesburg on my uncle’s arm, wearing a white silk dress, my breasts swelling suspiciously beneath the smooth cloth.
A saleswoman who fitted me with a new bra for my trousseau said, “I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but you have beautiful breasts.” I did not tell her the reason for the sweet swell. The Greek dressmaker, Mme. Vlamos, who seemed to get herself into all the wedding photos, was one of the only people who was alerted to the predicament.
I held a bouquet of lily of the valley in my hands, and I wept.
What about my dreams of being a writer, a teacher? What about my education? As children, my sister and I had laid the crayons out before us and pretended they were our pupils.
Pregnant, I married this boy who had finally penetrated my body, a few months before, in Paris.
At nineteen or twenty, I was still a child, lingering on in the imaginary world I was accustomed to, a world of nineteenth-century books, a child’s world of fantasies. I was in a story, as I will be all my life to some extent. A subterranean stream of story runs parallel with reality through all my life.
I was there but also on the page in words that conjured up a fiction. At nineteen, the reality of a masculine body with its frightening parts was too threatening to me. I felt inadequate, not ready for the reality of his hard, dangerous, thrusting sex.
Michael wrote in despair to his mother at his lack of success, and she had her Italian lover reply with kind words of advice and encouragement. Enzo was a kind man. “It has happened to me many times,” Enzo said, perhaps not quite understanding the situation.
Finally, one evening, on the bed in his apartment in the Latin Quarter in Paris, Michael did manage to penetrate my reluctant body. There was no blood, no pain, no ecstasy. Afterward he played Ray Charles, and I retreated to the bath, flushing out the semen as best as I could, and then leaving in an unreasonable rage, slamming the door. Though I allowed this to happen, did nothing to stop him except to present him with my stiff, unyielding body, somewhere within myself I felt deeply and irrevocably violated.
I spent the night in a hotel room, while he wandered the streets, looking for me. I wrote two letters that night: one to an old German boyfriend, Richard, who had always respected my virginity, describing the scene, which seemed to me like two frogs copulating; and I wrote a letter to Michael, but somehow I sent the wrong letter to the wrong man. It was Michael who read about the frogs. Obviously, I was angry with this determined young man, who was struggling with his own demons, a man whom I married in my white silk dress, a man to whom I would give my heart.
My sister, whom I followed around so faithfully as a child, now follows in my footsteps, though she is the older one, and her choice seems so much wiser: a doctor at twenty-one, a brilliant boy, who will study to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. He will learn to be good with hearts, so to speak. Out there, they are often good with hearts. They take a heart from the almost stiff and put it into the barely quick. He will tell us that the difficulty is not so much exchanging hearts as finding the right ones to exchange.
Carl seems a much more suitable choice of husband than my own, Michael, who is a lanky boy who looks so much like me, that people inquire if we are brother and sister. He is a boy without fortune, who is still a student at university, studying French literature and political science.
It was even suggested to me by the accountant, Mr. Perks, that instead of marrying him I go quietly to Europe with one of my aunts and give up my baby for adoption. Instead, I married but lost the baby almost immediately, once we were back in Paris in the apartment on Rue de Noisiel, with the blue walls and the one pink azalea plant, the blood flowing from me through the night while the two cats, Kochka and Minette, slept on my bed.
We would make a new baby almost immediately. I am like the Japanese man in a film I will see in later years, The Woman in the Dunes, who falls into a deep dune and is trapped down there, obliged to remain with a woman who must dig the sand endlessly. When he finally has the chance to escape, he no longer has the desire to leave her.
Maxine marries in the same stone church where I married Michael.
When I ask Libby Paul, one of the bridesmaids, what she remembers about the wedding and the reception, she tells me that, above all, she remembers that she was the one who recommended the dressmaker, as she was doing some modeling for her. Also, apparently there was not enough material, a Thai wild silk, for all the bridesmaids’ dresses, so they were made in different shades. In the black-and-white photo, which is all I see, they all look white.
At my sister’s wedding Mother seems mollified, though she complains about Ouma’s hat. Carl’s mother wears a rather odd-looking bonnet for the wedding, which I see in the photographs, and which reminds me of the red