‘Oh, I am sorry.’ She heaved a sigh.
‘Ŏnni, don’t tell anyone, will you.’
‘Of course not, but I am terribly sorry. Try to forget. You couldn’t have developed too deep an affection yet.’ She clicked her tongue as she left me and went back to her desk. At that moment the telephone rang.
‘Hello.’ My voice sounded weak. A woman’s voice said, ‘Is that Miss Yun I am speaking to?’
‘Yes, I am Sukey Yun.’
‘That’s handy,’ she said. What an arrogant voice. ‘It is about Tong-hi Kwŏn.’ I tensed up. At first I thought it was his mother.
‘You had better give him up. He will not be seeing you today. I’ve been with him in Pusan.’
‘May I ask who you are?’
‘You don’t need to know who I am, but I am telling you this for your own good. All I can say is that I loved him before you and I trust your good character.’
I could not make sense of all this and I was thoroughly confounded. Then a few minutes later the phone rang again. This time it was him.
‘Oh, Sukey. I’ve just got off the train and run up the stairs in one breath.’ He was obviously panting.
‘How are you? You are quiet? Sukey? Sukey?’ I didn’t know how to respond to this. On hearing his voice all my suspicion and anger melted away, I could not wait to see him. If I was honest to myself I should have said frankly, ‘You have been lying to me. Liar!’ But I had developed some cunning in the last few days. I have learnt to handle certain circumstances with caution and strategy. If he knew that I suspected him and was angry he might decide not to see me again. I could not risk letting him slip away. I pretended innocence and cheerfulness.
‘So, you are back. Did you have a good time? How’s your mother?’
‘I have so much to tell you. I’ll see you at “Rose” at seven.’
When I saw him the expression on my face probably betrayed a mixture of hatred and love. He looked a bit thinner. I thought I would sort it out there and then, the questions of love or deception, and life or death.
‘You have been lying to me. Why?’
Like a deer struck by an arrow his countenance instantly crumpled. ‘I knew you would be like this.’
‘But why, why did you have to deceive me?’
‘Please say no more. There are reasons, which I hope to explain to you in due course. All I can say is that only our love can solve all the mysteries,’ he said imploringly. I noted with curiosity his words ‘There are reasons.’
‘I left home today,’ he said. We looked at each others’ blank eyes.
‘I haven’t eaten anything all day. Shall we go and eat first and then I will tell you all about it.’
We sat in a Western-style restaurant and ate our meal in silence. I could see his hands holding the knife and fork were visibly shaking.
I was taken aback when what he called his new lodgings turned out to be a room in a small hotel. Since that night I had come to harbour bad feelings about such places. In the room there were one suitcase, a small writing desk and a small transistor radio on top of it. The ondol floor was pleasantly warm, over which his bedding had been neatly laid out. An elderly inn-keeper and his wife came out and offered him a courteous greetings and went away. Music floated from the radio.
‘I want you to understand this, Sukey. I have thrown away all the comforts of life for your sake,’ he said as he gripped my hands. ‘You trust me, don’t you? I will tell you everything tonight.’ His face was full of love, enough to melt away the last trace of suspicion and anger. As my tension loosened my body became sloppy. Languor came over it and I could barely sit upright. I felt like throwing myself into his arms and abandoning it to his caresses.
A beep came from the radio. It was the time signal announcing nine o’clock. It was like an alarm bell to shake up my numbed reason. ‘You must not allow yourself to spend the night here.’ It was a stern voice of my conscience. I sprang to my feet. ‘I must go now. See you tomorrow.’
‘What do you mean?’ He was confounded. ‘No, you can’t do this to me. I won’t be left alone.’ He whispered like a feeble child at first. But when he saw me putting on my coat and picking up my handbag he stood in the doorway blocking it. ‘If you go, I shall leave Seoul tonight and never see you again.’
‘My sister is very ill.’ I pushed him aside and stepped down to the courtyard. ‘Good night, Mr Kwŏn. I will see you at “Rose” at ten o’clock tomorrow.’ I did not wait for his reply and ran out of the gate.
When I was finally through the long alleyway and stood at the edge of the main road I saw him coming after me calling ‘Sukey, Sukey.’ Like a lunatic I ran across the road stumbling forward and stepped onto the pavement on the other side of the road. Now we stood opposite separated by a dark main road like a deep river. As I stood there I repeated to myself, ‘Please forgive me, please forgive me.’ I had to get on whatever came first, taxi or bus, but it was a quiet road and nothing came. From the pitch black sky, drops of rain began to fall. His body standing on the other side of the road like a statue started moving towards me. He was coming to implore me once more to stay with him.
‘Father, save me from this moment.’ Unawares, a prayer leapt out of my lips. I repeated it again and again. He was half way across the road when an empty taxi came sliding round the corner and stopped before me as if in a response to my prayers. Its door briefly opened and shut and it slid away. A scurry of rain beat on the rear window. He stood rooted on the spot. I desperately waved at the rain-splashed back window but whether he saw me or not, he did not return it. The car turned a corner. ‘Poor man. He will be wet through standing there fixed on the spot.’ I felt heartless. ‘He will never appear before my eyes again.’ At this thought I burst into tears.
13 April. When I woke up I knew this was the day on which I had to make a final decision. As if I were faced with a difficult maths question my mind was clear and my mood just rightly tense. By the time breakfast was over my mind was made up. ‘He is not a common fraud of no conscience. He must have some reasons. There is no doubt about his love for me. As long as I can trust that he is not a villain I will forgive him and help him out of his trouble.’ I wondered whether he would turn up now that he knows I suspect him.
‘You’d be wise to take my advice. You shouldn’t go. There is no need even to reconsider it. He’s a liar and that’s that.’ My sister had been coaxing me all morning but when I said to her ‘I won’t be long,’ and set off she exploded in anger.
‘If you are not back by midday, mark my words, I will kill you and myself.’
He was waiting for me. I was thankful but not in the mood for a cheerful greeting.
‘How’s your sister?’ he asked with a rueful face.
‘She’s not too bad. It has been too big a shock for her delicate nature. From our childhood, I have always been a cause of worry to her.’
‘She must hate me. Can I go and see her today?’
‘Well, she’s virtually my guardian, so you should but...’ I could not say that she hated him. Besides I wanted to get on with the business to hear his explanations, consider them carefully, draw my conclusions and go home to look after my sister.
‘Do you know any quiet place where we can go to and talk things over?’
I felt like ridiculing him by saying, ‘What fantastic secret do you harbour to need such a place?’ But I refrained.
‘You are quiet today. Where would you like to go?’
‘We’d better go to the Secret