Shawn shook his head to rid his mind of these visions and to bring his focus back to the emails. He resisted the urge to just read the last email randomly and began to arrange the emails according to dates. There were seven. The first email was written nine months ago. He felt a mild sense of guilt over his indifference to his mother’s communication. He justified this with the thought that he was involved too deeply in combat situations to respond. But that was not the only reason. He also felt a sense of abandonment around his court process and enlistment in the Navy.
Hank had complained bitterly when Shawn’s mother had attended his court hearings. After sentencing, his stepfather refused to allow Shawn back into the home. He spent his last days in Oregon at his uncle’s house, and even there he felt ostracized. Often the only contact he had from his Uncle Jeff and Aunt Sally was around dinner. His cousins, Stephen and Sam, had some contact with him, but it seemed stiff. He was glad when he finally had to head to Portland to be shipped to San Diego Naval Training Center.
As Shawn read the first email, he noted his mother’s attempt to seem normal. She made no mention of the severe arguments with his stepfather and even seemed chatty and casual in her comments. She did mention that she had a doctor appointment but did not say what it was for. The second email was about the same, but she made no mention of Hank. The email was mostly focused on the ranch and the difficulty of keeping everything going.
The third email was about the same except that she said she had met Susie Metcalf, Shawn’s high school girlfriend, at the local grocery store. She said that the conversation was “about what’s going on around here” but added that Susie had inquired about Shawn. Toward the end of the email, she stated that Susie acknowledged “going out with” a guy named Barry Whiteside, a local attorney. She said, “Susie seems okay, but I can tell she misses you.”
Shawn rested the email copy on his lap. His mind turned to the last few days before his departure for the Navy. He had dated Susie for almost a year, and they had become intimate after about a month. It was the senior year for both, and they expected to be together after graduation. The death of his sister made Shawn less available both with time and emotionally. Initially, Susie was understanding and attempted to be supportive of Shawn, but slowly she became frustrated and began to seek more time with him. It was then that the fight between Shawn and his stepfather happened. Once Shawn moved to his uncle’s home and did not have the ability to drive, Susie saw even less of him. After the court process, Shawn was focused on his enlistment into the Navy, and they did not have much time to say goodbye.
Shawn reflected on the last meeting, Susie was wearing tight jeans with designer emblems on the back pockets. In his mind’s eye, he saw her blonde-tinted brown hair hung down over a white blouse with the collar open to the third button. He felt a twinge of loss. Her brown eyes, oval face, and small nose were punctuated with a serious frown, and their conversation was brief. Her body stiffened when he held her, but she eventually melted into him and sobbed.
Shawn felt confused. His mind was almost completely on his travel to his active duty station in San Diego. He had rarely been out of Harney County. The upcoming trip was both exciting and frightening. But the warmth of Susie’s body and her tears focused his body on her. The desire to stroke her body was almost overwhelming, but he held back. She pulled back and looked at him through her tears. Her mascara was streaking down from her eyes. Shawn touched her cheek and pushed her tears to the side, streaking her mascara more.
“Do you have to go?” Susie complained. “I mean, I know you do, but I can’t stand it. It’s all wrong.”
She stopped talking as the tears increased. She turned and retrieved a tissue from her purse. She dabbed at her cheeks and looked again at Shawn.
“I’m sorry, Susie,” Shawn said softly. “I wish it was different, but I didn’t have much of a choice.”
There was a long pause, then, “I know.”
Susie looked at him again. The tears were gone and her eye contact with it.
She pulled farther back and said, “I wish you the best. I don’t know when I will see you again. I will try to wait for you.” She raised her head and stared into his eyes. “If you want me to.”
“I can’t ask you to wait. I want you to, but I don’t really know what my future will be. I don’t know when I can come back. I don’t know anything, except I will miss you.”
Susie softly blew her nose and took a deep breath. She forced a small smile and said, “I will miss you too. I hope things go well, and I will expect an email from you as soon as you get settled in San Diego”
Shawn recalled that they had quickly said goodbye and gone their separate ways, promising to email each other. He had watched her walk away and wondered if he would ever be with her again. He recalled how their emails were irregular in the beginning and slowly dwindled to nothing.
Finally, Susie had said in an email, “You don’t seem interested anymore. I’m done trying. Maybe we can meet up when you get back here.”
Despite Shawn’s feeble protests, or perhaps because of them, Susie held firm, and their emails had stopped.
Shawn’s mind returned to the cell. Wow, look where I am now. What would Susie think of me? A criminal again, he thought.
He visualized her walking away and thought that she was better off without him. He put the emails aside, stood, and walked to the small window with a heavy metal grid over it. He stared out at the compound grounds, focusing on nothing. He ran his hand over his hair and pursed his lips.
He thought, How the hell did I get here? This sucks! I have to get out of here—but how?
He drew a deep breath again and returned to his bed. Shawn gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he was a SEAL and that he had faced tougher situations, even life-threatening ones. This was not one of those times, but he needed to do whatever he could to change his circumstances. In that moment, he had decided to be as cooperative as possible and hope for the best. He returned to the emails from his mother.
It was the fourth email that caught him up short. It started out simply enough, recounting the daily activities on the ranch and stating that the chores had become too difficult for Hank to keep up with. Hank was only fifty-three years old, but the alcohol use had left him weak and at times confused. Linda said that his uncle Jeff and his sons were doing most of the bucking of hay bales and the feeding of the cattle. This was all work that Shawn would be doing if he had been home. Instead, he was sitting in a Navy brig, awaiting sentencing.
Shawn rubbed his short-cut hair vigorously and thought, I have to watch myself. I could get really down. I need to stay up. Visions swirled, and his mind tossed with thoughts of self-recrimination.
Shawn continued to read. There was a break in the writing. Then the writing began again.
It’s been a few days since I started this email, and it’s been crazy. Shawn, I don’t really know how to tell you this, so I’ll just go ahead and say it. Hank was in an accident last night. I tried to stop him from leaving, but you know how he is. He was drunk, of course. I hesitated to call the police because he had done it before and came back home okay. He didn’t come home this time. I called my brother, and he called the police. They found him down by the river. He had gone off the road. It was awful! He is in the hospital now with severe injuries. He is unconscious. I feel so alone. I have my brother, but he hates Hank now. He thinks I should have gotten out a long time ago. Oh well, I guess you don’t really care.
I know you hated Hank in the end. He was awful to you, and I know you have a hard time understanding. Oh, son, it has been so hard, but I don’t know how to live without your stepfather. He wasn’t the same after Ellie died. He was a pretty nice guy before that. He blamed you, and he shouldn’t have. It was after he started