May I Sit with You?. Tom Catton

up each day to our area of practice to sit and pay attention to our breath, if only for five to ten minutes, forms our discipline to begin our day with mindfulness. When breathing in, we know we are breathing in. When breathing out, we know we are breathing out. This simple task, repeated again and again throughout the day, can change our lives.

      We discover that not all recovery or support group meetings are vibrant and inspiring, but we “keep coming back.” Like support group meetings, not all meditations present us with easily recognized gifts. Many times the message we receive is riddled with thoughts, bombarding us with more questions than answers, and at times returning to the breath is almost forgotten; yet we keep coming back each day. We don’t have to understand the experience of what is going on by showing up to sit upon our meditation cushions, but we continue each day, again and again.

      When does a conservative practice like mindfulness meditation become radical? Let’s reflect on why some of us ended up in a twelve-step program with years of recovery behind us. The answer is simple: The using and acting out no longer worked. We were left with the realization that drugs and alcohol, or whatever else, would not give us the relief that they once promised. Only then could our denial be seen initially and eventually overcome.

      With the daily practice of mindfulness meditation, we learn to observe and understand our minds. We learn to watch the thoughts that enter and leave our minds. We learn to sit and just be with the emotions that rise and fall in response to these thoughts. We merely observe and don’t attach; when we find ourselves lost in the wilderness of our thoughts, we immediately return to the sanctuary of our breath. When we are not in the moment, that realization acts as a slingshot, propelling us instantly back to the wonderful moment. This is how we practice radically.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

       COMPASSION OR CODEPENDENCY?

      There’s a fine line between compassion and codependency. Both are ignited from witnessing the suffering of others, especially within the immediate family, or someone else. In most cases, where suffering touches the life of those with whom we are personally involved, codependency appears disguised as compassion.

      If the suffering is caused by addiction, the immediate fear may be losing our loved one to the disease. With codependency as our driving force to help alleviate the suffering of another, we can quickly cross the invisible line of trying to save the person and doing anything and everything to change their circumstance. We fall into the trap of thinking that we can control the outcome, becoming convinced that somehow, some way, we can manipulate the outcome and save someone from their own destructive behavior. We do everything we can to buffer the pain of everyone involved, but what we are really doing is saving the person from facing the consequences of his or her addiction.

      We may get mad and disgusted at times, but we still continue to give more money or excuses. These actions give the message to others that if they keep using, we will always be there to support them, even if it kills us. In the end, our attempts to “help” or “save” them are really our desire to control a situation that we have no control over. Wish them well, then let go. You can’t fix them.

      When we are confronted with the suffering of others, it can act as a kind of catalyst to our own spiritual practice. When this happens, it can be the turning point where codependency starts leaning toward true compassion.

      Following the admission that we can’t always manipulate a favorable outcome, we come face-to-face with our despair and hopelessness. This awareness can also be a turning point and bring about the birth of compassion toward our suffering and that of others. Through the spiritual practice of a daily meditation, our codependency is transformed into compassion. Our heart opens wide and our love for others and for ourselves becomes unconditional.