In other words, since you first began reading this, your subconscious has been in protection mode, attempting to keep your current life intact. This is accomplished by trying to sabotage any new efforts you make at improving your life. Try to think of your subconscious as the voice of a scared child. When a child feels threatened, he or she is likely to “act out,” saying and doing negative things to try and feel in control of the situation. It’s the same with your subconscious. When the status quo of your life seems threatened with change, whether for the better or not, a part of your mind kicks into action to stop something—anything—new from happening.
You are at that point right now. Your mind is telling you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t even begin to undertake changing your child’s eating habits. And it is doing so in a very subtle way. The voices inside of your head probably aren’t denying the fact that your child’s eating habits need improvement. Instead, they are finding things to criticize about the information you’ve just read. They are telling you that this will be too much work or that you don’t have the time. Or perhaps your inner voices are saying that your child isn’t “that bad” or doesn’t need help. Rather than listen to your voices, consider the following example.
At thirteen, Dana was nearly twenty-five pounds overweight and miserable. Unable to participate in many of the same activities that her normal-weight friends did, Dana often turned to food as way of handling the sadness she felt. Though her well-meaning mother regularly tried to limit her intake of junk food, the result was disastrous. Dana, feeling out of control in her life, was determined to have power over her eating no matter how destructive it was. Every time her mother prohibited her from eating high-calorie foods, Dana sneaked food without her mother’s knowledge. The two were at odds with no hope of making any progress.
Desperate to get her daughter help, Dana’s mother decided to follow several of the suggestions outlined in this book. First, she had an honest conversation with her daughter about the health risks of obesity. Then, she began to concentrate on being a good role model by eating healthier herself. And, finally, Dana’s mother offered her daughter several options for changing her eating habits. Rather than impose strict guidelines, Dana’s mother let her child have a say in solving her problem. Even more important, Dana’s mother made sure that her daughter was provided with alternative ways of dealing with the emotions that she regularly ate over.
Today, Dana is a happy, well-adjusted teenager who is living life to the fullest. She no longer needs to overeat and has since learned to eat healthy meals. Dana also made exercise a regular part of her routine. Now, at a normal weight, Dana is enjoying a life she never could have imagined several months ago.
This was only possible because her parents took actions that were unfamiliar, even frightening, at times. Now, it’s your turn. Are you ready to help change your child’s life? If so, read on and find out how.
THOUGH YOU HAVE CHOSEN THIS BOOK TO help your child, in this chapter you will be asked to answer some questions about and to examine your own eating behaviors. While you may be resistant, it’s important to remember a few things before continuing. Despite the fact that you are presented with pointed questions, none of the information here or anywhere else in this book is designed to place blame on you or your parenting skills. It is a waste of energy to squander time thinking about blaming anyone for your child’s situation. Quite the opposite, you are reading this book to help your child. That, alone, shows how much you care for the welfare of your child’s future. A saying from the rooms of twelve-step recovery comes to mind: “If we knew better, we would do better.” Let yourself off the hook for behaviors you may have engaged in before you “knew better.”
This being said, it’s vital that you recognize the patterns in your eating behaviors that have been passed on from your own parents and from their parents. The best way to think of this comes from a lecture given by a famed physician who said that we shouldn’t blame our parents for the dysfunction that is present today. They only did what their parents taught them and their parents did what their parents taught them. The doctor says that we should blame Adam and Eve for starting it all!
Even though this is a humorous example designed to make a point, the idea presented is worth noting. Each set of parents did—and is doing—the best that they knew how and as time goes on, each generation becomes more aware of the harmful habits and makes an effort to change them. Now, it’s your turn.
The only way to change something, however, is to first be aware of it. This is true of everything, from recovery from addiction to unhealthy eating habits. This is where your own eating habits come in. If you don’t identify the patterns in your family, then you can’t make the necessary changes in your attitudes and behaviors to help your child. In other words, if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you can’t change it.
Before continuing, it’s also important to remember that you will not be able to change everything all at once—nor should you try. The point here is to become aware of your actions and the dynamics of the family situation, not to immediately run out and change everything. Some things will remain the same no matter how hard you try. That’s okay. Others will be easier to change or alter and these are the ones on which you should first concentrate your attention. If you start to feel overwhelmed by the questions here, take a short break to give yourself time to process what you are learning. But be sure to come back, as what you are discovering is vital to the health of your child.
To begin, take a few minutes to think about your own childhood. What role did food play in your life? You may want to take out a pen and paper to make some quick notes so that you don’t forget (a special notebook to use while reading this book might be helpful). While writing, think about how your parents used food. Did your mother always cook a special meal for your birthdays? Was your father there to take you out for ice cream every week? If so, what feelings did you associate with these events? Did you consider these or other activities as a way of feeling loved? Were you treated in a special way during these times? Take a moment to complete the following sentence, “In my family, food was a way of . . . .”
Now, take a moment to think of the feelings about food you had as a child. Don’t go back and read anything you’ve written so far. Just keep right on writing. There will be time for reading later. Right now, you need to simply write as much as you can. When you were younger, how did you feel about food? Was it a way of relaxing? Feeling special? Getting rewarded? Nurturing yourself when things didn’t go your way? Celebrating? Whatever you thought about food then, write it down and don’t worry about making it “pretty.” There’s no need for spelling or grammar review at this point. Simply write as much as you can, in any way that you can. If you’re better with a computer or you’d like a certain type of pen, then by all means do whatever feels comfortable to you while you are writing.
After you have finished the exercise above, write about one incident in your childhood involving food that stands out in your memory. Was this incident a happy one? Were you sad? Did you feel loved? Whatever it was, simply write it down without rereading it. By now you will probably need a break. Feel free to get up and walk around, or maybe even wait until tomorrow morning to come back to your writing. While you are doing other things, be aware of the thoughts that come up. During your break time, your subconscious will be thinking about what you’ve written. By the time you come back to your writing, you will most likely have new things to add.
Before proceeding, take some time to write down any memories involving food (or lack of food) that may have come into your mind. Don’t worry if you’re unsure of what they mean right now. The important thing is to write as much as you can about your childhood and the