From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire. Dawn Maslar

broken picker? Well, you might have a broken picker if:

      

Your date wants to go back to your place…because he still lives with his mother.

      

The man you just slept with didn’t call you the next day…just like his five predecessors.

      

You meet a man whose back is covered in tattoos of the names of all his ex-girlfriends…and you find yourself trying to figure out where he could put yours.

      

The man you recently started dating calls to say he can’t make the date, because his car just got repossessed.

      

And you definitely have a broken picker if you tell him, “That’s OK, I can drive.”

      You might also have a broken picker if:

      

You are reading this thinking you might have a broken picker.

      

You are reading this thinking, “It’s not my picker. I just haven’t found the right guy.” (By the way, this is called denial.)

      

You read these and laughed.

      You also might have a broken picker if:

      

You read these and didn’t laugh.

CHAPTER ONE What's Broken Picker,and What Does It Have to Do with My Broken Heart?

      “’TIS STRANGE WHAT A MAN MAY DO,

      AND A WOMAN YET THINK HIM AN ANGEL.”

      —WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY

      Your picker is not so much a thing as it is a feeling. It’s that tingling feeling you get when you meet someone you like. You know what I mean; you walk into a room and you start scanning the area. All of a sudden, your focus is on him. You think, “Wow, he’s cute!” A warm sensation moves up your body. Your heart starts beating faster and you feel flushed. You look around to see if anyone notices, and then you refocus. Your gaze travels over his physique, examining his face, his clothing, and his mannerisms. You find something unique that you really like—maybe he’s wearing your favorite style of suit, or he has the big, strong hands that you just love. You even imagine how it would feel to be touched by them.

      Although this is all occurring in just a brief moment, it is enough time for him to feel your presence. He turns and looks at you. Your breathing stops, and you feel your heart start racing as the blood rushes to your face. You feel faint. But then he smiles. You’re excited and nervous as you return the smile. And you begin to breathe again.

      We all have similar feelings. Maybe it’s butterflies in your stomach, or a weakness in your knees. Whatever the precise sensation, we all know it’s that unmistakable awareness that you might have just met “the one.” The feeling is wonderfully intoxicating. Millions of words have been written about it and hundreds of movies have tried to capture it. We may call it that special spark of love-at-first-sight. We can call it many different things, but the bottom line is: This is your picker in action. The process of picking is very complicated, but we are mostly unaware of it. As a biology professor, I can explain the biochemical chain reaction that occurs, producing the physiological effects. I can explain the effects of hormones and pheromones, how they produce the physiological changes such as an increased heart rate, blood pressure, and the rate of your breathing. We can talk about the dilation of your pupils and vasogestion (sexual arousal). Although this may be academically interesting, it’s not very important. The essential fact is that all of these reactions start in the brain.

      The picking process begins with subtle, unconscious stimuli to your brain. It is your interpretation of the stimuli that produces the response that you find so exciting. Your internal environment forms your perception of your external environment. How you interpret these cues is the important part; they tell you who you are attracted to.

      I used to believe this response was fate, some supernatural phenomenon that was predetermined by the stars. I believed that there was one special person out there and it was my job to find him. I would know him by the feeling I got. That tingling, that light-headed giddiness I experienced—these were the cues telling me that my future just walked into the room.

      I still believe in a “special one.” But the feelings I was getting from men who turned out to be wrong for me were definitely not love. Rather, they were an indication that my picker might have been broken.

      HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR PICKER IS BROKEN?

      If, like I used to, you have a broken picker, you get that WOW! feeling from the wrong men. The men who are available, happy, and secure do nothing for us. But the man with heartbreak written all over him (in invisible ink, of course) has us jumping around like we are walking on hot coals—and we like it. We may somehow sense that he is not good for us, but still we find ourselves compelled to pursue him, brushing aside any subtle sense of warning we may occasionally feel. Like a moth to a flame, we circle. We know if we get too close we will get burned, but we are powerless to stop. The excitement of the moment is intoxicating. He has somehow set off a physical response that we interpret as love.

      We become enveloped in the dream. It is like we are great writers working on a dazzling love story. All the story needs is the hero. We let out a sigh of relief as he strides into view, taller, stronger, and handsomer than all the mere mortal men around him. The point is that we are not seeing him for who he truly is. We are seeing him as we want him to be. We are blinded by our physical reactions. Because we had a certain physical response, we assume it must be love, and that he must be the man of our dreams.

      The problem occurs when we jump into a relationship based on our emotional response without taking the time to investigate. It’s almost like we have a little mental checklist. We say, “Wow, he’s cute…check.” “My body desires him…check.” “He likes me…check. That’s enough: Let’s go!” And away we go, off to Heartbreak Land. And then, because we believe we have been called by fate, we may spend years trying to fix the relationship. We tell ourselves that, since our “attraction alarm” went off, he has to be “the one.” After the initial excitement wears off, and things begin to go awry, we try everything we know to figure out the magical formula to make this relationship work.

      I have shelves full of magazines telling me what kind of lipstick to buy and which kinds of clothes to wear. I have bought books with titles like How to Turn Him On and Keep Him and How to Get Him to Marry You. I’ve spent countless lonely and frustrated evenings wondering what was wrong with me. I have felt stuck and thwarted. After all, I knew from the start that he was the one, and if he would only realize it himself, we both could live happily ever after. I have believed the problem was that he just didn’t understand his role. The last thing that would have occurred to me was that the relationship was doomed from the start because of my broken picker.

      A broken picker is similar to a broken global positioning system (GPS) in a car. If the GPS is malfunctioning in your car, you will not arrive at the destination you seek. No matter what you do, you will end up in the wrong place. The GPS needs to be reprogrammed. Changing the “input” (such as the color of our lipstick or the way we dress, dye our hair, or prepare a romantic meal) changes nothing. Temporarily, it may appear we are heading in the right direction, but in the end we discover we are lost again. Our internal GPS (Guy Picking System) is very similar to an automotive GPS. It can malfunction, too.