How are you doing? Several times, I think, I am going to pick up the phone and call Chauncey, then I remember, damn, I can’t. I know he is with me and my spirit can call him, but have you felt that way? I know he wanted to go [he was in a lot of pain] and I was happy for him. I also know he didn’t want to leave his wife Viv, but he has been ready for some time now. How lucky we were to have worked with the best. 1941 [the year he got clean], wow! I feel extremely blessed to have had him in my life. He came at a very crucial time. I will miss him.
This helped me to feel a little better, but it also got me thinking. This is when I truly discovered the how and why of the ease of my transition through my depression over losing a loved one. I learned even more than that, though, and I will discuss that in a moment, but first let me show you how I responded.
I wrote:
I am doing very well. For a while, I was getting a little out of sorts around 9:00 every night because that was when I called him. I have overcome that with the knowledge that I can talk to him anytime now—just like I talk to God—and I call Vivian every night.
I have responded overly well to his passing, and I was even worried about how easily I have taken this whole thing, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have no regrets about my relationship with him. I got to do a ton of stuff with him; I talked to him every day for over four years—more often than I talk to my own family members—and I shared my life with him. And now I do the best I can to honor him by living up to the things he taught me.
We were truly blessed by his presence in our lives. There is no doubt about that, and now it is our turn to bless others. He loved to say, “I got mine, you get yours,” and there are many ways that can be taken. Today I take it to mean that he had his journey, and now it is up to me to enjoy mine. In fact, I believe that if I don’t enjoy my life I am wasting my time.
I miss Chauncey on occasion, but I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on that in a negative manner. Instead I do my best to remember to do what he would have me do, and it isn’t very hard to know what he would advise in most situations—the next right thing. As long as I keep it simple and keep my hand out to help the next person, I am carrying the message. And that is what Chauncey would have me do—carry the message!
Love,
Mark
While writing this email, I learned some very important things about grieving, especially when it comes to losing a loved one. I can lessen the depression by living well and maintaining my relationships while my loved ones are still alive. I have discovered that much of my grief and depression when someone close to me dies comes not from my sense of loss, but from my guilt over the things I wished I had done differently—my regrets—and the fear that builds in me from the fact that I will no longer have the opportunity to make things right.
I never had to make things right with Chauncey because we got off to a good start. We kept our relationship in proper working order throughout the remainder of his life. I have had to do some work on other relationships, which I neglected for a long time while I was drinking and drugging, and that is putting it very kindly. Today I do my best, on a daily basis, to live a good life and carefully maintain relationships with those I love.
I have taken the long way around the block to learn this important lesson, but I think there was good reason to take that little detour. I hope this little side trip will encourage us all to put more effort into the relationships that mean the most to us. Identifying fear in the midst of depression can be the last thing I want to do; however, if I can dredge up the will to look at the real cause of depression—fear—I can usually take the necessary steps to relieve its severity. In fact, quite often, simply taking some action in an attempt to come out of the depression will help me feel better. Many times doing something is better than doing nothing, but other times there is another solution.
Enjoying Depression
“Enjoying” depression may sound a little crazy, but it works for me every time. Of course, I’m not talking about clinical depression or anything that might require a doctor’s help or medication; I’m talking about regular, run-of-the-mill depression—what the experts call “dysthymia.” I discovered that enjoying my depression worked for me after talking with my sponsor.
One night when I called Chauncey, I was in a foul mood; I was depressed after having a bad day and didn’t know what to do to feel better. I can’t recall the exact reason for my mood, but I know it was real, and I know I was quite sad. After our usual cordial greeting, I started to talk about my bad day. I told him about my issues and said I was depressed. He replied, “Well, enjoy that.”
I said, “Enjoy it? What are you, nuts? I’m feeling depressed. How can I enjoy that?”
His reply was simple and direct, as usual. He told me that I should always enjoy my state of mind and my emotions. “They won’t kill you,” he said, “so why not learn to relax into them instead of fighting them?”
As usual, I was stumped at first, but after thinking about it I decided to try it. I figured that as long as I was going to be depressed, I might as well go ahead and enjoy the feeling, or at least go ahead and feel it, instead of fighting it. It took some serious conscious effort, but I made up my mind to do the best I could to relax into the depression and feel it, even though I didn’t think it would do me much good.
A surprising thing happened once I truly allowed myself to relax into the depression instead of spending most of my energy trying to fight it. While I actually felt slightly more depressed or felt it more intensely for a short time, I discovered that I had actually made a choice in the matter.
Instead of fighting a losing battle and continuing to feel bad, I chose to fully embrace the mood and let it have its way. I discovered that since I chose to feel bad, I could just as easily choose to feel good, although at first I wasn’t sure it would work.
For a short time, I reveled in my bad mood. At first I didn’t seem to have enough desire to change. However, after feeling depressed—especially feeling it with the intensity I was feeling it with after allowing it to have its way—I decided that I needed to do something about it. I decided I wanted to feel happy, or at least not quite as sad. And since simply fighting the depression had never worked before, I figured I would try being happy instead. What happened next was amazing.
I decided to be happy. Of course, it didn’t happen quickly; it took a little while, but I changed my mood faster than I ever had before. I changed it by changing it, not by fighting it. I learned to substitute happiness for sadness. It was like changing the station on the radio or choosing a different item from the menu at a restaurant, only not so fast.
You see, prior to this, I had always said to myself, “I will not be sad, I will not be sad,” or “I am sick of feeling depressed; I need to do something.” In this way I was maintaining focus on the sadness, and the bad mood survived and thrived, or at least lingered. When I took action toward literally changing my mood by shifting from sadness to happiness, it worked.
The first time I did this it took a while. But the more I have practiced it, the better I am at making the transition. This focus works for any mood. I can change from happy to sad if I want to, although it is harder for me because I always practice going the other way. I still can’t seem to make a case for wanting to trade a good mood for a bad one.
Since I needed to figure out ways to make myself happy, I had to do some homework. Through doing my homework, I have discovered several ways to change my mood, two of which are my favorites.
The first way to change my mood is through helping someone else. It doesn’t matter how I help them; it only matters that I do something for someone besides myself. I can hold a door open. Although that is a small thing, it does help me feel better, and I might have to do it many times before I make real progress. I have taken to shoveling snow for my elderly neighbors because wintertime in Michigan is a dull, boring, and depressing time of year, and because helping others helps ward off depression. The bigger the act of helping, the quicker I change my mood. Because helping others improves my mood, I usually look for opportunities in the course of an ordinary day. In this way, I work to