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How long will you be in your host country before you cry really hard? You know, one of those famous ugly cries that no one sees but which certainly exists? Will it be sometime in your first year? Month? Week? For me, it took about twenty-seven hours.
Our theme verse for those early days was 2 Corinthians 1:8: “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.”
But we did.
For as Paul Hiebert writes in his seminal work, Anthropological Insights for Missionaries, “Culture shock is rarely terminal.”2
Theory can only get you so far. At some point, you have to get your feet wet and Nike the thing. That’s what this chapter’s about. It’s an attempt to give some practical, hands-on, nitty-gritty, [insert random epic language here], rubber-meets-the-road, advice.
Much of this comes from my own experience of transitioning a family of six from the suburbs of Midwest America to the concrete vistas of Phnom Penh. The rest comes from observing lives and stories in that enigmatic place we call “the counseling room.”
The four specific areas we’ll consider include living well abroad:
1. Theologically
2. Spiritually
3. Relationally
4. Psychologically
1. Living Well Abroad: Theologically
How we think about God matters. Of course it does. You already know that. But we sometimes forget that our theology also plays a vital role in how well we fare on the field.
First, we must remember that productivity does not equal fruitfulness. Indeed, our aim is not even to be fruitful, but to stay attached to the Vine from which all fruit comes. Our aim is to know him and his heart, to remain in him. Staying attached to the Source, hearing his heartbeat, is the only way we will be able to do “the will of him who sent us” (see John 4:34). There is so much to do and God does not want you to do it all. Let me repeat: there is so much to do and God does not want you to do it all. He does not expect you to kill yourself in his service. Now, you might die in his service, of course, but it should not be because you’re a workaholic.
If you want to thrive abroad, you can’t try to meet your deep insecurities through making someone (a missions boss, a sending church, God) happy. No amount of productivity will heal the wounds in your soul.
In fact, trying to meet your own deep emotional or psychological needs through missions will tear you up. And it won’t be good for those close to you either.
Simple prayers are your friend
For me, after we’d gone through a really rough patch (misdiagnosed typhoid fever, culture stripping,3 bad news from home, etc.), I clung to one simple cry-prayer: “I will worship the Lord my God; I will serve only him.” It’s a declaration from Jesus at the peak of his temptation. It’s what Jesus fell back on at the very end. So I did too. And honestly, for a while, it was the only prayer I prayed.
That being said, in Matthew 4, when Jesus made that declaration, Satan left him and angels came and ministered to him. I’m not a businessman, but that seems like a pretty good trade.
Your theology of Satan matters a lot
Don’t give Satan more credit than he’s due. Don’t blame him for everything. Why not? Well, it’ll keep you from taking responsibility for your own stuff, and it’ll keep you from doing the hard interpersonal and inner-personal work that you need to do. Here’s my general rule: don’t blame Satan for things that are reasonably foreseeable.
If it was reasonably foreseeable that eating that street food would give you giardia, don’t blame the devil when you get sick and can’t leave the bathroom! I’ll be really sorry you’re sick, but you don’t need to bring the devil into it to garner my compassion and prayers.
If you ignore Sabbath and run yourself ragged, don’t blame Satan when you feel depressed and burned out. Don’t blame the natural result of your workaholism on “the darkness.” (Note: I am NOT saying that depression and burnout always result from a missionary’s failure to rest. But if a person has been burning the candle at both ends and then starts to feel the flame, it’s not fair to blame the devil.)
Proverbs 7:6–9 provides a noteworthy example of reasonable foreseeability:
“While I was at the window of my house, looking through the curtain, I saw some naive young men, and one in particular who lacked common sense. He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman, strolling down the path by her house. It was at twilight, in the evening, as deep darkness fell.”
The wisdom literature doesn’t blame some massive evil scheme for this guy’s sin. Its lesson for us? Do the hard work of not being naive. Do the hard work of getting some common sense. And don’t open your computer at night or visit the red-light district when you’re lonely and it’s dark.
You need a robust theology of heaven
You want to live and thrive abroad long-term? You’re going to have to have a pretty good grasp of heaven. I’m not talking about end-times theology, I’m talking about the reality of eternity, for the saved and the lost.
2. Living Well Abroad: Spiritually
There are two powerful words we need to understand deeply. Those words are “Yes” and “No,” and they are sacred words indeed.
Initially, when you move abroad, you don’t know anyone and you’re probably in language school, so you can say yes to everyone and pretty much everything. But watch out, because your ratio of yeses to nos will have to change. If you want to stay healthy, you will have to start saying no to more and more things. And if you don’t make that transition well, if you don’t learn to say no, you will end up saying yes to all the wrong things.
Recently, I heard a preacher boldly state: “Satan is always trying to get your yes.” Indeed, from the beginning, the Liar has been getting people to say yes to stuff that will make them say no to the Father. And it continues. Balancing our yeses and nos can get tricky, triggering our fear of missing out or our fear of being completely overwhelmed.
Learning when to say yes and when to say no requires both faith and wisdom. After all, it is possible to say yes to too much because of our faith, and it is possible to say no to too much because of our wisdom.
Again, this is precisely why we need to spend time connected to the Vine. We must remind ourselves often of this truth: the most fruitful thing I can do today is connect with the heart of Jesus.
May God give us the grace to serve with both faith and wisdom. Not as opposite ideas, fighting for domination, but as buffers and guardrails, keeping us from veering too far to one side or the other.
3. Living Well Abroad: Relationally
Life abroad can be bone-jarringly lonely, so connecting with friends is vitally important. Those friendships might surprise you; they might be with expats and nationals and folks you find to be strange at first. But whatever the case, deep connection with other human beings IRL (in real life) is crucial to whether or not you live well abroad.
Marriage
I’ve been living with my best friend for nearly seventeen years, and frankly, we’d like to stay friends. If you’re married, I’d like for you to stay friends with your spouse too. Here are some ideas that have helped us:
• Google “First date questions” and screen capture the results. Next time you’re out on a date or alone together, whip out your phone and get to know each other again.
• Be a tourist