San Francisco, December 1949
Dear Monkey, I think of you. I admire your great courage to be reborn as a new man, a damned interesting man. Please take care of yourself. Do not think harshly of me for expressing, or rather trying to find my real self. It was just as disguised as yours. I had to dig hard for it.
Saw Man and Superman by Shaw; remembered your having enjoyed it. I guess I found my match in you.
Your cat.
A WEB OF LIES
1950
JANUARY 1950
Return to New York; publication of The Four-Chambered Heart
Letter from Anaïs Nin to Rupert Pole:
New York, February 1950
Darling, you had the hardest task after graduating from forestry school, dismantling our home in San Francisco that we loved because we had each other in it, but that is only the first one and we will have other homes. I’m happy and proud about your good marks but not surprised. Your own concept of your capabilities and reality of them differ, as you see. It is only your faith and confidence that do not pass the test. I would grade you this way:
Personality—the most charming
Character—the deepest
Capabilities—the best
Confidence and Faith—Z, zero, the worst, the lowest
I’m full of confidence for our future, but the praise I get for The Four-Chambered Heart is not going to my head at all as they praise bad things equally, but among the pile there are a few understanding, sincere responses.
No matter how full, how productive the day, there is always one empty moment when I feel an anguish of the heart, and that is when I am aware of your absence. I know what the world gives is insincere and fickle, but what we have is like the sandstone mountains—fortresses. I work for us.
Write me soon.
My four-chambered heart is occupied by One completely. Limoncita
Letter from Anaïs Nin to Rupert Pole:
New York, Tuesday February 7, 1950
My darling, I’m concerned over the difficult thing you have to tell your family, that you want to marry me. If I were you I would not say too much—don’t praise me, don’t reveal the depths—I wish I were there to help you.
I have just gone through another hell—my brother Thorvald arrived on a stretcher from the plane, a hurt back in a cast and bronchial pneumonia, but thank god he is getting well and the hell is over. But I spend half my days at the hospital. My mother came down and I have to take care of her, besides all the rest.
I heard from Ruth the details of all the work you had to do, darling, which you minimized. I felt so badly. I heard even about the rain falling the day you left.
I await your letter from LA anxiously. I sent you two important ones there; I hope you get them.
Read the enclosed and please return it. All my reviews (except Time) are understanding and respectful.
Please tell me how you are, physically and mentally. Don’t fight for me, darling. Don’t be unhappy. We have a rock basis and no one can destroy it, but I don’t want you to be hurt defending our relationship.
I feel as you did during exams: I am almost glad you weren’t here, for I have all my mind set on my “job,” a real career woman, first fulfilling duties—working—and imagining pleasure in March with you. I haven’t even seen a movie or a play.
Write me soon. Your letters are my daily bread. I still risk getting run over reading them while crossing the street, also risk freezing as I forget to hold on to my coat or hood and stand on windy corners reading in zero degree weather!
Te quiero, te beso, tu calor me da vida. Tu A.
Letter from Rupert Pole to Anaïs Nin:
Los Angeles, February 10, 1950
Darling darling darling darling darling,
Miss you so much in so many ways. I too have been busy, but it’s never enough and the nights are too long.
But all goes wonderfully. Finally got off from Ruth’s loaded to the gills with stuff, looking something like a Park Avenue version of Tobacco Road, and of course accompanied by rain. Working like a fiend ever since here to get Perseus in shape and finally today my ad appeared, and what happens—rain—all day—perfect day to sell a convertible—only two people called and only one came. The ad is to run four days, however, so pray for a nice sunny weekend. Fellow today offered $1600 but my price was $1695. Am sure I can get at least $1650. (You’d never know Perseus—he’s really, really sharp and gleaming. I think he’s rather looking forward to showing off here in Hollywood.)
Now, have already bought our new car. It’s a he and I think almost zoot but we’ll fix that. He’s just the opposite of Perseus, very fast and quick like Cleo. He has just the one seat with big compartment in the back and large luggage section that can be locked. He was born in 1936 but has the appearance of being very young. He’s a little brash and needs quite a lot of toning down, but if we keep a firm hand on him I think he’ll serve us well. Let’s call him José. He cost $289 including license. Will spend another $250 putting a new motor and overdrive in him, then $40 for insurance, and we’re set for transportation.
Much more to do here than I realized. Family seems to sense I’m going for good, and they finally asked if I might marry you. Said I hoped so, but that you had held back, wanting all to be sure. Mother seemed to be very understanding and approved more when I explained what kind of person you are and what our relationship has been. (Told her I had spent weekends with you, but not that I had lived with you at SF.) Lloyd I have avoided discussing you with, instead interesting him in other less controversial things.
The write-ups are wonderful, darling. Couldn’t be more understanding. Finally they’re beginning to realize what you’re doing. Here is the Hartford one back.
My god!!! What a thing to go through with Thorvald. So glad he’s strong and vital enough to snap back.
Take care of yourself my darling and don’t try to do too much all at once, just enough and no more each day.
Till we’re one again—R
P.S. No time to read Cocteau, but Mother said it’s very amusing.
APRIL, MAY 1950
First big tour of Mexico with Rupert—Veracruz, Minatitlan. Plane to Merida, Chichen Itza, Minatitlan, Tehuantepec, Oaxaca, Acapulco, stayed at Las Palmas.
MAY 22, 1950
New York; Rupert in forestry camp.
JUNE 1950
Rupert begins work in Los Angeles National Forest. Anaïs in Switzer Camp. Anaïs in Clear Creek barracks. Back to New York.
AUGUST 1950
Mexico
SEPTEMBER 1950
New York
Letter from Anaïs Nin to Rupert Pole:
New York, October 16, 1950
Darling Chiquito, I was just going to write you that one of the reasons why our relationship is so good is that you are always willing to make an effort for it (the other