Step 4: Explore alternatives—Offer an alternative time or place to do the activity, a different activity altogether, or an adaptation of the activity that addresses the issue. You might even ask your child to come up with suggestions.
Here are some examples of how to put this into practice:
2.4 Four steps for saying “No”
Scenario 1: Your child is pulling out the paints, and you both need to leave soon.
Scenario 2: Your child is singing loudly in the car.
Address the mess
“Here,” I say, as I hand my client a piece of paper. “Rip this up.” He has come into my office angry, and my aim is to give him an outlet. And rip he does. He tears that piece of paper, and several more, into tiny bits. Then he throws them all over the couch and floor like confetti.
“Wow! It’s a lot, isn’t it? . . . And all over the place,” I comment about the paper (and his anger). He has expressed his anger, discharged some of his emotional energy, and demonstrated the magnitude of his feelings. We sit amid the resulting mess. Now what?
“Okay, now what should we do with all of this?” I pose the question to him. He looks at me quizzically. Was I really suggesting that he clean it all up?!
“Do you want to keep it in an envelope or get rid of it?” I ask.
“Let’s get rid of it,” he says definitively.
“Okay, let’s do it!” I say. I have a hunch that, while he’s not too keen on tidying up the room, he is ready to throw out the anger. Together, we put hundreds of paper scraps into the recycling bin and, in the process, his mood returns to baseline. Addressing the mess is as important as expressing anger in the first place.
Addressing the aftermath of an art experience can feel tedious for parents and kids alike, but inherent in the process are valuable opportunities. Cleaning up helps kids take responsibility, teaches problem solving, and promotes a sense of family citizenship. As in the example above, it also helps kids feel more contained after an energetic or emotional art session. Many parents avoid art activities due to the mess factor. However, when we consider cleanup as a valuable experience in itself, rather than just a tiresome means to an end, we may be willing to let our kids get down and dirty more often.
Of course, it also helps to minimize the mess to begin with. We do, after all, have other things to do in our day. Here are some practical tips to minimize mess:
• Designate a craft table and make it accessible—My kids had a craft table but they never used it. Instead, they staked claim on the dining room table for projects; thus, mealtimes began with the added inconvenience of tidying it up (or at least shoving things to the side). Why didn’t they use the craft table? I surmised that the problem was twofold: 1) it wasn’t big enough for both of them to use at the same time (I believe they secretly like to be near each other all the time, despite a façade to the contrary) and 2) it was in their bedroom, away from the main activity of the house where they like to be. We got a larger table for them to work on and moved it to a more central location. While we still needed to tidy it from time to time (lest they revert to the dining room table), we were able to do so at our own convenience rather than at every mealtime.
• Use drop cloths, newspaper, or paper bags—As obvious as it may seem to suggest using such things as drop cloths or newspaper to catch a mess, you wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve found myself scrubbing the coffee table while muttering to myself: “Next time I have to put down wax paper before they start clay projects.” Throw a sheet over the dining room table or onto the floor. Afterward, toss it into the washing machine. Or, use old newspapers. For smaller, drippy, gooey, or glittery projects, provide a paper plate on which to work. Not only will this protect the work surface and contain the mess, but also it will make the project easier to move.
• Invest in bins or baskets—Bins, craft containers, folders, or baskets into which to throw materials make cleanup much easier. It’s easier for the kids to help if you don’t worry about organizing the bins themselves. Throw all the paints and brushes into one. Put all the stickers, glue, and scissors in another. Markers and pencils in yet another. Snap, stack, and done.
• Bring out the vacuum!—The vacuum cleaner can be your best friend.
My kids think that they hit the jackpot when they discover colored sand in the craft cupboard. I let out an audible groan. I don’t want to deal with the mess that I know it will make. I am about to say “No” when I realize . . . there actually couldn’t be an easier mess to clean up. “No problem!” I say, delighted by my revelation. “When you’re done, here’s the vacuum.” Weeks later, they want to break up Styrofoam. No problem! “When you’re done, vacuum it up.” Another day, it was cutting tiny pieces of felt for no apparent reason. “Looks like fun! There’s the vacuum for when you’re done.”
• Move the project outside—While moving a project outside can make it more expansive and messier, by the same token it doesn’t matter quite as much. Hosing down grass, sidewalks, or your kids is a lot easier (and more fun) than scrubbing floors and tables. Alternatively, move the project to the bathroom. Painting, shaving foam, and other ooey-gooey activities that are safe to wash down the drain can be done right in the bath or shower.
• Make available only those materials that you want to deal with at a moment’s notice—My kids have access to most art materials. I like them to be inspired by what they find, and I also like them to be relatively self-sufficient with their projects. It promotes independence and saves me from having to find whatever they need. That said, I also keep certain materials out of reach. Paint and loose glitter, for example, are accessible only to grown-up hands. Because of their mess factor, potential for overuse, and labor intensiveness, these are projects that I want to know about before my kids start them.
Make cleanup and care for materials a habit. We all fall into the bad habit of cleaning up messes for our kids. It gets too late. It’s easier (and faster) if we just do it ourselves. You know the reasons. I use them, too. Making cleanup a habit (even for children as young as two or three years old), however, sets up a healthy habit for years to come. Here are some tips:
• Help your kids clean up—Shouting “Make sure to clean up!” from the other room is rarely effective. I know. I’ve tried. Working together is not only motivating. It also reinforces the important feeling of being a team.
• Think small, specific tasks—Kids (even teens) need large tasks to be broken into small, specific tasks. “Clean up” is a confusing and overwhelming concept. “Put all the stickers in this box, first” is doable. Think of it as running a marathon. It’s much easier to run from the end of one block to the next until you’ve finished the distance than it is to set out focusing on the entire, overwhelmingly large distance ahead.
• Make it fun—Sing. Race the clock. Race each other. Let them do the spraying and vacuuming. For younger children, encourage them to load up materials in their toy trucks and drive them where they need to go. For teens, turn up their favorite energizing tunes. Cleanup need not be a chore.
• Teach natural consequences—Let them know that leaving the lid off clay or caps off markers will dry out those materials. Point out that unwashed brushes will get too hard to use again and will need to be tossed. Papers left on the floor will accidently get stepped on and crumpled.
• Involve your child in problem solving—Instead of “time to clean up,” ask your child specific questions