Caregiving Both Ways. Molly Wisniewski

To do this may even require a drastic shift in your daily routine—a routine that, while hectic, provides the predictability and repetition needed to accomplish all the necessary daily tasks. The role of caregiver will require your full attention. Between activities of daily living, medication management, doctor’s appointments, and mealtimes, there isn’t time left to do much of anything else. Whether a family member or not, providing this type of care will leave a person quickly feeling burned out.

      And yes, “take care of yourself” is an all-too-common piece of advice which I am sure you have heard before. What I mean is that taking care of the self goes beyond occasionally treating yourself to a spa day. You deserve credit and validation that what you are doing is hard work. That providing care is sometimes a thankless job, and the care decisions you make for another person are difficult. As humans, we deserve to spend time on ourselves—time to reflect on the progress we have made in our lives, the experiences we have endured, and the relationships we have cultivated along the way.

      Validation of the hard work you are putting into the care of your loved one may not always come from those around you. It is difficult for those on the outside to ever truly understand what you are going through. Giving yourself gentle reminders throughout the day can offer self-assurance that you are doing the best you can to provide the best quality of life for your loved one.

      Repeat these affirmations daily:

      “I am a good person.”

      “I am lightening my load.”

      “I take care of the world when I take care of myself.”

      “I am worth taking time for.”

      “I have the right to my own time beyond taking care of others.”

      Only you have control of where your energy is spent, and while, yes, situations often feel outside of our control, the time and effort you spend thinking positively or negatively about any one circumstance is entirely your own. Becoming mindful of how you spend your time is extremely important. Our societal values about hard work often leave little time for much else. Take back control of your own time and invest your energy in things that will make you feel good. You are allowed to be happy, and you are allowed to take care of yourself.

      You may not even know how or where to begin with the self-care process. I’ve talked with many caregivers who until then had never thought twice about how they spent their time because simple things, like watching a favorite TV show or a night out with girlfriends, were all they needed to de-stress from their workday. Health experts will report to us the things we should do for self-care, like eat healthily or exercise daily, but if you are being told you have to do these things, it seems more like an obligation than an investment in personal well-being.

      Identify Your Values

      Recently I was struggling with my career choices. I hated the idea of working in an environment that saw me as just another cog in the wheel. I didn’t want to have an anxiety attack every time I had to miss a day of work for a routine doctor’s appointment, or come home each day exhausted from the demands of the job. I was too early in my career to have to spend the next thirty years or so unhappy.

      In a bit of half-hearted research, I came across a YouTube video on creating a “Values List.” I thought it was an interesting idea, and six months later I finally got around to building my list. I focused on the fundamental things I wanted in a prospective employer and my potential role in that job.

      Relaxed, autonomous, community-focused, kind, and respectful were all words I put down on my page. I wrote out twenty more words or so, and then honed in on the eight that I felt represented my values the most. At the end of the exercise, I felt validated and empowered to continue my job search with these values in mind. I was amazed that, within a month of writing out this list, I landed my dream job, working in the community with a group of kind and respectful colleagues who have welcomed me and shown me there is a way to work in my field of choice without feeling burned out at the end of each day.

      Writing a values list can sound more like a time-waster than a time-saver. I say this because that is exactly how I perceived the exercise, too. I write from my own example because, during this time of my life, it seemed like I had no control over my career circumstances. Because I needed to pay my bills and put food on the table, I felt forced to take the first job that came down the pike. Understanding my values changed this.

      As a family caregiver, you may find yourself in an impossible situation, because your loved one needs you (like, really needs you) and you have a lifestyle that you need to sustain. You may believe the only option is to maintain the hectic day-to-day pattern you have found yourself in. To understand how you want to spend your time and what you want to prioritize is hugely empowering and allows you to make decisions that seek to benefit you and not just the meet the circumstances in which you find yourself. Granted, you may find you need to make compromises; mine was a lower salary and an entry-level position, but the time and peace of mind is well worth it!