Being able to receive feedback is crucial for becoming more self-aware and developing into the best version of ourselves. Take my office shenanigans. Obviously, I was young and I just wanted desperately to belong and be accepted in my new adult world. It wasn’t that I was intentionally doing things wrong; I was simply misguided. In college, the likable people went to parties and dressed like they were always prepared to be a backup dancer in a rap video. I was mimicking that behavior and doing what totally professionally inexperienced me thought would help me belong. I needed feedback to correct my actions. It wasn’t an attack, it was a gift.
When people give us feedback and we actually make changes, a funny thing happens. People respect us for it. As I began to apply my HR manager’s feedback, I also began to repair those bridges I had burned with my loud music, colorful walls and childish antics. Just like I had learned as the original office party girl so many years ago, it is true that if we listen and take action on feedback regularly, we are more respected by our peers, are better leaders, and deliver better results professionally.
Just like we have to learn how to receive feedback, giving feedback is also a skill. Let me tell you the painful truth—not all people were made to give feedback. When you find someone who can really offer insight, never let them go. Choose who you rely on for feedback very carefully. Personally, I look for people who have a reputation for being a good mentor to others or who have a history of career or life coaching.
Your first time hearing feedback you will probably react, much like I did, by internalizing and attaching emotions to the feedback the giver did not convey or mean. This is why I always choose someone I trust and who I feel will give me the benefit of the doubt if I overreact. Finding a mentor who, in the beginning, will let you react openly and help you work through those emotions is essential to progression. Always frame the situation first by letting them know upfront that this is a new experience for you and that asking for feedback is hard for you. You are still working on how to better learn about yourself from others. Let them know that becoming more self-aware is important to you—I was 100 percent honest in saying that I may not react well initially, and my openness helped my mentors prepare for and not take it personally when I got flustered.
It is important to acknowledge that not all feedback we receive is meaningful feedback. Sometimes feedback helps us to course-correct and recognize we are sacrificing our self and happiness to achieve a goal. When you receive feedback, always be thankful for the other person’s perspective, but remember that you still have the power. You get to acknowledge and apply it, or you can choose to reject it. You are always in the driver’s seat. Feedback just helps you understand where certain roads may lead.
Learning to take and apply feedback is something that only gets better with practice and is a lifelong pursuit. However, the more open we are to receiving feedback, the more opportunities we will have for growth. There have been times I have received feedback that taught me things about myself I would have never realized on my own. There have also been times where feedback helped me realize that the changes I need to make to achieve a certain goal weren’t worth it. Feedback is simply another feed of information to help us learn about ourselves, and we can use it to make more informed decisions about what will make us happy.
How to Successfully Ask for Feedback
1.Come with Goals: Let the person you’re asking feedback from know what you are hoping to achieve from their assessment.
2.Focus on the Future: Ask for feedback about what you can do better in the future instead of dissecting the validity of past behavior.
3.Actively Listen: Let the person share their entire feedback before reacting. This is not only respectful to the feedback-giver, but also makes it easier for them to give you feedback.
4.Ask for Clarity: Don’t be afraid to ask for examples or more details if feedback is unclear or doesn’t make sense to you. Write down key ideas or themes to follow up on.
5.Express Gratitude: Giving feedback is as hard as getting it, so make sure to let your feedback-giver know how much you appreciate their time.
Comparison: The Good,the Bad, and the Ugly
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
—Judy Garland
Sometimes it feels like we have to fight against treating each day as some sort of judged competition. It can feel like our brain wants to analyze every action we take, every movement we make, and every thought we think and tally them on some sort of giant scorecard that equals the success of our lives. Here’s your brain’s sports announcer, the play-by-play:
“We’re coming at you live, where Anna O’Brien is just taking the ‘Arena of Life’ floor. Anna will be doing a complicated ‘business lady turned social media star’ routine, with a surprise author flip. Anna starts her routine. So far, we’re seeing a lot of what we expect here at today’s competition. She starts off with the morning dog-walk, followed by a smooth transition into a ‘talking to neighbors and petting her dog’ combination. A solid four points for opening the door for an older woman. She racks up another three for creating a well-thought-out PowerPoint. In a surprise turn of events, Anna has racked up an impressive amount of difficulty points by finally doing those dirty dishes in the sink while also talking her best friend through a bad day. However, she’s now taken a bit of a performance hit for playing Tetris on her phone instead of answering work emails. Anna needs to get refocused on her routine if she hopes to even qualify for tomorrow’s existence. We’ll have final results after the eyes shut. Back to you, Roberta!”
You might be sitting there scratching your head, reading this and thinking, “Anna, this is ridiculous.” And you’re right, it is. There is no scorecard in life. There is no team of highly trained life experts assessing your every choice, trying to decide a perfect number value to assign to your life effort today, or any day really. No one is going to hold up a placard with your worth at the end of each day.
If there is no scorecard to life, why do we often feel like we are constantly in a competition with ourselves, with others, and with the world around us? In this chapter we will dissect how unnecessary comparison leads us to treat our lives like a competition. This, in turn, fuels negative self-talk. I’ll share methods I use to remove competition from my life and reduce unnecessary comparison. We’ll also dissect how not all comparisons are bad. (Some even help us grow!) Lastly, I’ll share tricks I use to reduce competitiveness in my own life.
Life Is Not a Competition
When I was in middle school, you might be shocked to learn I played basketball. I was tall and a decent rebounder, but I could not get that ball to go in the basket to save my life. Basketball, like any competition, had a clear goal: get that orange sphere through the swooshy net the most in the time allotted. So while I was terrible at scoring, I tried to give it my all in defense. I should note that in middle school I was significantly taller than everyone around me, and built like a monster truck. I also let my mother cut my hair into a super feminine and attractive bowl cut, and wore a pair of 1980s coke bottle glasses with a nifty elastic band. I most definitely looked like a scary forty-year-old librarian who was going to punish you for returning your books late. Intimidation is what I brought to the court.
No matter how badass I might have looked, and how much muscle I could bring to the party, I knew there were a clear set of boundaries and rules I had to follow. When you think of something you can “win,” like my basketball game, there’s a clear pattern. Think about it. Competitions have a clear objective, defined before the contest begins, which participants are