In 2017, OkCupid brought me a man who had just lost his wife after a long illness. He needed to learn to live with joy again, and this included sex. Our first date was instant attraction, and we discovered that we had many qualities, interests, and core beliefs in common. He was brainy, fit, attractive, and physically and intellectually active. He thought my work was fascinating.
A flurry of emails followed our first date as we tried to learn all we could about each other. In one, he asked, “Can you imagine having sex with me?”
I replied, “I’m imagining it now.”
We became sexual on our second date. Two years later, we’re still enjoying each other. We call each other “date mates,” which to us means that we’re in a strong, sweet, bonded relationship but have no desire to marry or move in together.
What I Learned from My Halting Steps
•We may not know when we’re ready for sex.
•We don’t have to have it all figured out.
•We should accept our emotional timetable,
whatever it is.
•There may not be a magic moment when we know we’re ready for sex.
•Kissing a friend can be a great start to getting back in touch with our sexual selves, even if it doesn’t lead anywhere. (I know that won’t work for everyone!)
•If we try and it doesn’t work, that’s not failure—it’s all progress.
•When it does work, it can be glorious.
Your Takeaway
What has your struggle been so far in trying to bring sex back into your life? Make your list of the steps you took, the people you got naked with, and the people you decided not to. What can you learn about what you want and need from the steps you’ve taken?
Solo Sex
You don’t need a partner to receive an orgasm. If you’ve got fingers and/or a well-chosen sex toy, you can do it for yourself.
I know, you may long for human contact, the warmth of another body, the shiver of excitement from the unpredictability of a person’s touch, the cuddling after sex. But we don’t always have control over whether we have a desirable and willing partner to give us those sensations and pleasures. The special challenges of grief are that we may not feel ready for a partner, despite desiring sex, or that we may not have an available partner if we do feel ready.
The best insurance for later-life quality of sex is to stay sexually active with our own hands and sex toys, especially when we’re unpartnered, even when we’re grieving.
A Griever Shares
“During the final three sexless years of my wife’s life while I was her full-time caregiver, had it not been for solo sex, I’d have gone stark raving bonkers and would’ve been wrapped up in a straitjacket and stuck in an institution. Masturbation kept me going.”
Orgasm Benefits
Did you know that sexual activity and orgasm—no partner required—help elevate your emotional and physical health? When we grieve, our stress is up, our mood is down, our sleep is disturbed, we’re depressed, and our overall health is compromised. All of these problems and more are improved with regular orgasms, which we can give ourselves. We’ll feel better mentally and physically, and our bodies will be more resistant to illness. We’ll even sleep better!
A Confession
It surprises me now that I didn’t start self-pleasuring until six months after partner sex stopped. I just didn’t feel the urge. I was so deeply in grief that I didn’t feel capable of pleasure, and masturbation didn’t seem worth the effort.
How odd for me as a sex educator to lose my sexual self that way. I knew the benefits and the importance of keeping myself sexually healthy without a partner, especially as an older person whose genitals and sexual responsiveness do not take care of themselves. If we don’t keep the blood flow going to the genitals on a regular basis, we’ll become less able to get aroused and reach orgasm as time goes on. I had taught exactly these concepts to others!
Grief and Masturbation
A perspective from Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself and founder of GoodForHer.com
Solo sex allows you to reconnect with and reclaim your body. It can feel awkward at first when you’re in grief. You may feel guilty for having that pleasure. But your loved one would want you to live fully and to enjoy these sensations. Masturbation can help you bring yourself back into your body. It can feel freeing and helpful, even if you don’t feel desire at the start.
Start by touching yourself and being mindful of engaging your nerve endings for a short period of time. Sex of any kind does not have to end in orgasm. But if you find it frustrating when an orgasm does not happen, vibrators and other sex toys are fabulous accoutrements that can make it much easier to feel heights of pleasure.
Orgasm is a release after a buildup of tension. It is often used to relieve stress and pain, and it can release grief. If you find yourself crying during solo sex, let the tears flow. Keep the stimulation going if you can, and let your pleasure clear out the stuck emotions. Masturbation is a great way to get those tears out. It is cathartic and healing in ways that can touch deeper parts of ourselves.
My Love Affair with Vibrators
I have the best unpaid job ever: I review sex toys from a senior perspective on my blog, www.nakedatourage.com. I get to describe the qualities of exemplary sex toys that stand out in a sea of thousands. When I say I review them from a senior perspective, I mean I evaluate the ergonomic design and ease of use for creaky bodies and arthritic wrists, the intensity level for those of us with reluctant arousal, the body-safe materials so important for our health, and how easily we can use the controls without putting on our reading glasses, among other criteria. I also have the pleasure of highlighting vendors that are committed to our health and pleasure, not just sales.
Whether you’re a senior or not, sex toys—particularly vibrators—can be important tools for sexual pleasure. This is especially important when you’re grieving. When you’re filled with sadness and loss, your body may have difficulty with arousal and orgasm. Your sensations may be dulled by depression. Your brain may not get the message that stimulation and orgasm can be a welcome relief.
During my nonsexual time after Robert’s death, I didn’t even look at my huge assortment of sex toys. At one point, I said to my grief counselor, “I know I should be keeping myself sexually healthy through solo pleasuring, but I’m so sad that it hardly seems worth the effort. I don’t know if it would even work.”
She replied with a knowing smile, “If you use a vibrator, it will work.” She was right.
Vibrators can be the rescue party, increasing sexual stimulation until your brain and body come (or cum) together with pleasure and relief.
A Griever Shares
“I started out by exploring solo. When sexual feelings began to resurface after some time in my grieving process, at my therapist’s suggestion, I got a new vibrator. I began by exploring my own body and seeing what that felt like. I imagined that I was with my husband again. While it made me very sad on one level, it also made me feel closer to him, as if we were continuing our relationship, only with him being on another plane of existence outside of this physical one.”
“Tingle Time”
A simple way to get back to your solo sex practice (or to start one, if this is new to you) is this easy trick. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most easily aroused sexually. You may not realize that your sexual responsiveness