This is not a book against 12-Step programs. Think of 12 Step as a set of tools, and you have to build a house. You're building that house on your own, and you'll have to live in it when you're done. The advice I give will help you learn how to use those tools to build the house that best suits you.
This is not a book that will lead to you buying DVDs, going to seminars, or taking workshops. I've seen a lot of other people with a This-Is-The-Answer book that is nothing more than a text version of an infomercial for what they're really selling. I'm trying to encourage you to seek help from an established community near you, one that won't charge you a dime for their services.
This is not a book that will ask you to believe in any spiritual dogmatic system, any religion, or subscribe to any established philosophical trope. I'm not mishmashing Eastern religions; I'm not rehashing self-help gurus from years past; and I'm not slamming a view of life, the universe, and everything down your throat. I'm also not telling you that whatever religion or philosophy you have is the wrong one. I do want to clear out some of the clutter in your mind so you're free to think about who you really are and get a clear picture of what you believe.
This is not a book that will ask you to believe in any spiritual dogmatic system, any religion, or subscribe to any established philosophical trope.
I want you to read this book with an open mind. If you're anything like me, you're looking for the first thing you disagree with that you will use to discount the entire book. I'm not perfect, consistent, or absolute. I'm a hardheaded addict with a few ideas that you could use for yourself. I'm not trying to save you. I want you to save yourself.
Chapter 1
12 Step for the Rest of Us
I'm not sure why you're reading this book right now. Maybe someone who loves you and is concerned for you gave you this book. Maybe you picked it up because you're worried about yourself. Maybe you're already searching through 12-Step communities but feel like your needs aren't being addressed. Maybe you've been in a 12-Step program but don't like any of the literature. Whatever it may be, my goal is to help you move past your problems into the next phase of your life.
What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others. Maybe this is true; maybe it's how you feel about yourself. Regardless of the truth of the matter, you're not comfortable with the status quo. You're wary of being one of the herd. If everyone goes in one door, you want to go out the window. If everyone jumps off a cliff, you jump off a bridge. What I'm saying is, you may not be making the right decisions, but at least you're not making the same wrong decisions that everyone else is making. From this perspective, 12-Step programs are a scary place.
What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others.
At the beginning, everyone mumbles out the same prayer from memory. That's an auspicious start to any group meeting. You don't like prayers, you don't like group chantings. Everyone's sharing a brain, you think. This is the Borg. Is it some kind of weird cult? Then it gets worse.
Somebody says a name. Everyone, in unison, greets that person with the same greeting. That person talks, and tells some horrible story, during which the rest of the group laughs. What the fuck? What is so fucking funny? Then it gets worse.
How much coffee can these people drink? Halfway through this meeting, a good portion of the room got up to go outside and smoke, and they were smoking right before it started; isn't that an addiction too? Then it gets worse.
The guy who drives my shuttle bus every day just told the room that he's a horrible crack addict. He has six months clean . . . that means he was all cracked out driving me to work every day for years. Over there is the cranky guy from the corner deli. Is that my ex sitting in the front row? Dude, there are at least three bartenders in here right now.
All of this inner dialogue is normal. 12 Step is a little freaky at first. You'll see all kinds of people from your life, both dear friends and people you recognize from the neighborhood but don't really know. What you're going to have to get over is your preconception that these people have nothing to offer you, that they have nothing in common with you.
I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s. Punks, skinheads, Goths, skaters, rockabillies, Wiccans, vegans, slam poets, comedians, break-dancers, bikers, hip-hop thugs, gangstas both real and self-imagined. Inside each of these subcultures are even smaller subcultures: anarchists, animal rights activists, tech geeks, graffiti artists. I've been close by many of these groups but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.
I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s . . . but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.
When it comes down to it, I'm a loner. Lonerism is a self-inflicted lifestyle. I isolate from others. If I find out that I'm fitting into a group, I find reasons that I don't fit so I can feel left out. I use my skepticism and cynicism to distance myself from the group mentality. It's saved me from joining gangs, mobs, and groups that would not be good for me; it has also kept me from developing the close relationships that I needed to grow as a person. No matter whether the group accepts me or not, I don't accept that I'm a part of it.
People who can readily accept being part of a group will take to 12-Step recovery much faster. Those who don't question the immediate help and friendship offered by the group will embrace the overwhelmingly positive parts of the program. It's a secure feeling to them that there are rooms full of people willing to help in nearly every capacity. But for you, You-Who-Do-Not-Fit-In, it's going to take some work. This book is for you.
Three Types of People
For our purposes, there are three types of people out there: Normies, Addicts, and Recovering Addicts. Normies are the normal people, who drink now and then and maybe tried drugs, but for some reason, they don't get addicted or overindulge. Addicts are people for whom drug and alcohol use supersede personal will. Recovering Addicts are addicts who no longer use and work to remove the obsession to use. This book is written for all three types, but mainly for someone who wants to move from the second group into the third.
Nature Versus Nurture
Why do some people get addicted and others don't? Is it genetic? Or is it a product of one's immediate culture? Are you born an addict or made into one? From a purely observational point of view, I think it's a combination of both. The only reason it matters is so that you see you shouldn't take an extended break from using or try to cut back. You have a lifetime of stimuli and a physiology that makes drinking and drug use entirely dangerous.
My point of view is this: You may start a Normie, but once you become an Addict, you can't go back to being a Normie, and once you become a Recovering Addict, you can't go back to being an Addict. People will fight me on the last part of this when they read it, but stay with me, I'll explain. This movement across definitions is an evolution of character. Once you make the successful transformation, you don't go back.
I started a Normie. I didn't touch a thing until I was seventeen. I didn't drink, smoke pot, or even smoke cigarettes until then. I drank when I had easy access to it and when it would not jeopardize my situation. I didn't go out of my way to find it, nor did I use it if I thought it wasn't prudent at the time. But when I did drink, I drank to get as fucked up as possible. That was a bad habit that led me to being an addict.
I come from a line of alcoholics, like many alcoholics do. On the nature side of things, I know that there was a history in my family. On the nurture side of things, while my father never