No matter how dark the days get, no matter how difficult it is to just get through another day, remember that you are human and that human beings have to face and resolve many issues in life. Sometimes, we have to live with the issues we cannot solve.
One thing is clear—the solutions to problems, including those of physical and mental pain, don’t come from hating ourselves or hating our own lives. There is always a reason for the sadness we feel, and we need to examine the source. If it’s something we can work on ourselves, then we can practice letting go and removing what is stopping us from being able to access our happiness. If it’s not something we can do on our own, we can seek professional help.
When you’re not feeling well, remember that you are not lacking or stupid or weak—you are human, and your mind or body is telling you it needs some help, along with a lot of understanding and loving kindness from you.
I talked about this with my mom, who faces a few health challenges in life that cause her pain and physical discomfort. Despite what she experiences, she has always been happy with her life. She faces her challenges by taking actions to put things right and not fighting the situation that already exists.
My mom is human, so there are days where she feels emotionally affected and down. Some nights, she has anxiety attacks that keep her up. When things are difficult, it is her ability to be able to experience discomfort or pain without suffering that give her the ability to be at peace and to be happy.
The choice to not suffer isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. I’ve seen my mom going through the different stages of acceptance over the years; it takes practice to accept, let go, and be at peace.
When we experience hardships, it doesn’t matter that we can’t immediately change how we feel toward them. We may go through a process of wishing that things were different, and from there, move forward with trying to accept our situation, and then one day, find ourselves able to truly be at peace with something that used to bother us. It is as it is.
The practice of acceptance does not start with ignoring the fact that we are unhappy, pretending that we don’t feel depressed, nor with brushing away or burying all the difficult emotions we feel. In fact, it’s the opposite—we can only make the choice to not suffer if we can fully acknowledge what we’re feeling without denial, and most importantly, without guilt, blame, or resentment.
Having seen my grandmother and my mom go through this, it is evident that being at peace even through pain is not merely wishful thinking but a definite possibility. This always reminds me of how we all have such a huge capacity to appreciate and value our lives even when we don’t feel our best.
Our lives do not become less valuable when we suffer, and this is what we need to remember on the days when it’s difficult to be happy. Don’t let your definition of happiness be based on the feeling you have when everything is going well and there are no problems.
The path on which life takes us is not up to us to dictate and control. Even when we take care of our health, we can still fall ill. Even when we are the nicest and kindest people we are able to be, we can still get hurt. Where there is pleasure, there is always displeasure. Where there is excitement, there is always boredom. Where there is health, there is always sooner or later illness as well. Where there is love, there is always heartbreak.
This is the way life is.
People can support us, but only we can help ourselves; and it starts with being okay with not being okay. When we give ourselves permission to accept the bad days, the negative days, and the depressed days…then we can truly appreciate being alive, no matter the circumstance.
We Cannot Find Happiness, Because It Has Never Been Lost
<Understanding>
When we’re feeling discontented with life, we often want to “find” happiness.
This is why happiness can seem so elusive to so many of us—we’re constantly seeking something that cannot be found. But how can we find something that’s not lost in the first place?
We use the word unhappy when the feeling of happiness is absent, but what we often mean is that we’re frustrated or dissatisfied or upset or lost. What’s important to know is that when we feel this way, our happiness has not disappeared—our happiness is still right there, it’s just that there are so many difficulties and challenges in life to contend with that they may become barriers that block our access to our happiness.
As human beings, it is already part of our instincts to try to be happy when we are unhappy, and this is a major reason why we automatically default to seeking happiness when we are unhappy.
This is why it’s instinctive for us to seek external pleasure when we’re feeling down, because it truly does lift us up for a while. We go away on a holiday and we feel better (until we get home). We indulge in retail therapy and we feel better (until the bill comes). We finish a pint of ice cream and we feel better (until we start to feel fat). Yet at some point, most, if not all of us, recognize that our spike in happiness is temporary, that we almost always feel the same way, if not worse, after we’ve indulged in the pleasures that life has to offer.
The unhappiness lingers, even after we’ve tried so hard to lift ourselves up. This is because the obstacles that block our access to our happiness firmly remain where they are. It’s not that we’re not trying to be happy, it’s that our efforts are always spent trying to navigate around the obstacles instead of removing them from our path. We get very good at addressing the symptoms of our problems without identifying or understanding the root causes of our unhappiness.
What are the barriers between us and our happiness?
When we look on the surface, the barriers to joy are stressful work situations, painful relationships, and difficult people. But when we look beyond the surface and delve deeper, we will begin to see that it is we ourselves who are blocking the way to our own happiness—with our needs, fears, insecurities, resentment, anger, and all the emotions and expectations that weight us down because we cannot let go of them. It is always what is unresolved in our hearts and minds that stops us from being able to be at peace.
This can sound like bad news, but when you think about it, it’s actually a relief. Because when you know that you are the source of what is keeping you away from the happiness in your life, then you know that you are also the person capable of changing it.
Even though it can seem scary to take responsibility for our happiness, it’s actually empowering. The power we all have over the quality of our lives is immense. Life is not what or who happens to us, it is how we respond to what or who happens to us, and our responses are always a manifestation of our own perspective, needs, and fears.
This is why when life is difficult, it doesn’t help our happiness to look outside ourselves, because that leads us down the path of seeking happiness externally without understanding ourselves, which means any pleasure gained is short-lived.
Because of this, we can feel like we’re constantly trying so hard to figure out ways to be happy at work and in our relationships, yet we’re ending up frustrated that it’s not paying off. Also, in the same way, we can feel like we’re putting in so much effort to be nice and understanding yet still wind up feeling it’s never enough.
This is why when we’re not happy in our job, we change jobs. It’s why when we’re not happy in a relationship, we find a new relationship. Yet we still continue feeling unhappy. No matter how hard we try, our problems are either still there or they manifest in other ways.
It’s not that we cannot change jobs or relationships—in fact, we must discern when to exit something that is not healthy for us—but often we don’t know whether to stay or when to leave because we don’t understand ourselves well enough. If we don’t thoroughly understand ourselves, we will always be trying to find happiness externally.
Feeling unhappy is part of life, and when we are unhappy, it’s important