I am feeling so alone. No one called me yesterday and I didn't go out of the house. What's wrong with me? I am a mess. I am alone. I am me. I don't like me. No wonder no one comes to see me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Who am I? Who is me?
I could just wither away and die and no one would notice. Well, I guess I won't wither away cuz I keep eating and eating. Why am I eating so much lately? I want to feel full. My life feels empty and food gives me fullness and satisfaction. But not really. It doesn't last. I eat and eat and eat. I like feeling stuffed. I hate feeling stuffed. I like feeling full. I hate it when my stomach hurts but I deserve to be in pain.
I see it, maybe. I feel alone, I feel lonesome, I feel empty. No one calls. I am shut in. I open the cupboards and they are filled with my friends—they make me happy. I like crunching chips but then my mouth feels scratchy and sore. . . . My mouth hurts, under my tongue. Why did I eat so many chips? They started tasting like oil but I didn't stop until the bag was empty. Then my mouth hurt and my lips were sore from the salt.
I ate so much yesterday that I was on the verge of feeling sick. How could I think of food as my friend? I felt so nauseous after all that I ate, but I couldn't stop. I went into some kind of trance I think. I don't even remember getting the chips out of the cupboard and then I was standing with an empty bag wiping salt off my lips.
What is wrong with me? Why do I keep eating and eating? Why am I so alone? Maybe I should join a church or a photo class or a meet-up group. It feels like too much work. I can stay home with my food or I can make myself go out and meet people. The food is so much easier. Let's see, what shall I choose—food or friends??? What would it take for me to go out and meet people? Why don't my friends call me more? Why am I always alone? That's not true, I am not always alone. I was alone yesterday. Last week I met Joan for dinner one night and had lunch with Sally. Last week Mo and I went to the show. Maybe I do see people. I didn't yesterday. Why didn't I call anyone?
Okay, I will do it. I will call Jean or Greta or Sue today and make a date to see them. I was having a pity party yesterday and turned to my old friends—chips and cookies. I felt like I was a little kid with no friends. I have friends. I forgot. I have friends. Maybe I don't see them or hear from them every day. Sometimes I like being alone and sometimes it makes me lonely. I have friends and we get along. Food is sometimes the only friend I know. I need to remember I have friends who aren't in the cupboard or refrigerator.
Lisa and I had been working together for several weeks at the point she wrote that entry, and she wrote in her journal almost every day. Although sometimes she continued to overeat and use food to fill her emptiness, Lisa was gaining insight into her emotional needs and why she was turning to food. When she first came to see me, her binges were at least once a day. Once she started journaling, she reported that the binges were much less frequent, sometimes not even once a week. As we looked at her writing together, she began to understand what was going on in herself before she binged.
Assignment
It is important to express somewhere what you are feeling so you don't end up eating because of it. Journaling is one of the best personal-growth practices for emotional clarity, so get in the habit of writing in your journal daily, for at least ten minutes. Opening up in this way can be a deep, cathartic experience. You will discover the magic of journaling as you write what's going on for you, on the inside, honestly.
If you don't know where to start, you could begin with “What is bothering me today?” or “Why do I eat so much?” or “What makes me happy?” or “I am really angry about ____.” And, if all else fails, just write, “I don't know what to write” over and over again. The important thing is to keep writing.
Your entries will probably be a lot different than Lisa's—everyone is unique, and every journal entry is different. There is no need for any specific structure—just begin using the tool of writing and see what comes out. Write quickly, without censoring yourself; don't worry about spelling and punctuation. Great writing is not required, only a desire to uncover hidden feelings and get to the core of your being.
Begin to trigger old memories using photographs, old address books, or other memory-joggers. Getting honest is the first step in reducing the bingeing as you move toward the goal of self-acceptance. We all eat because we are hungry. Now you are beginning to identify the hunger. It is often not physical, but an emotional or spiritual hunger.
You are not alone. You are not the only person who has felt this way or used food in this way. It is important to have a support system, which we'll talk about next.
Chapter 3
Finding Support
No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.
—H. E. LUCCOCK, METHODIST EPISCOPAL CHURCH BISHOP
YOU ARE NOW WRITING IN your food-mood diary every day, as well as journaling your feelings. As you continue with these activities, chances are really good that you will begin to have insights and aha moments. But since these are both solitary endeavors, it is time to also create a support system to ensure you get encouragement and strength from others. Moreover, you need to become your own advocate, your own cheerleader, as you learn to take better care of yourself. This chapter touches on both these aspects—creating an outside support system as well as learning to support and nurture yourself. In addition, Day 6 deals with seeking professional help, if needed.
Day
Often we are our own worst enemies. I vividly remember a poignant Ziggy cartoon illustrating the truth of this statement. In the first frame we see Ziggy, with head bowed, and the caption “God grant me one request—destroy my worst enemy.” The next frame is a large lightning bolt and the word ZAP! The third frame displays a pile of ashes with smoke rising and the words “Let me rephrase that!”
Yes, we can each be our own worst enemy. As you do the inner work necessary to curb emotional eating, it is crucial to encircle yourself with supportive people. While you will have the outlet of writing in your journal, it is also important to have someone to confide in. Then, if you fall into old patterns with food, you'll have someone to talk to about it. A typical response from your Inner Critic is blaming and shaming, which can lead to more self-loathing and more binge eating. A nonjudgmental friend, however, might acknowledge those feelings and then help you move past them with a fresh perspective and positive actions.
Surround yourself with friends or family members who care about you and want what's best for you. Having a support system is like having a safety net below you at all times. It gives you the courage to take the next step forward, and then the next, as you embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation.
Likewise, it is essential that you avoid people who might sabotage your efforts—those who discourage you from changing or who actively bring you unhealthy food as treats. Identify individuals who are critical, cause you to feel bad about yourself, or drain your energy—and stay away from them. Choose instead to hang out with those who applaud your efforts, who celebrate you for being you, and who are trustworthy with your feelings.
When I was at my lowest emotionally, I was fortunate to find Twelve-Step meetings. The openness and self-honesty I heard in the rooms were both foreign and frightening to me. Even so, I returned week after week because I saw, for the first time, people who had lost weight and were keeping it off. Over two hundred different self-help groups, with a combined worldwide membership of millions, now employ Twelve-Step principles for recovery. This book's Resources section offers more information about some of the food-related recovery groups.
When I stopped eating compulsively, I began to experience a hodgepodge of feelings. The Twelve-Step meetings provided a support system where I began to let others in, allowing them to see