“If you're struggling and think that one more book can't possibly make a difference, think again. M.J. Ryan has the rare gift of breaking things down into clear pieces that can be tackled.”
—Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What?: 90 Days to a New Life Direction
“You are always more resilient than you think. In her motivational and optimistic book, M.J. Ryan shows you how to face the unexpected and use what you've learned to be happier in life, in love, and at work.”
—Nell Merlino, leader of Make Mine a Million $ Business and author of Stepping Out of Line
“The change you didn't ask for has a way of smacking you between the eyes. M.J. Ryan's book teaches us how we can get through the pain more quickly and extract greater meaning from the nonnegotiable events of life.”
—Ellyn Spragins, author of What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self
“How to Survive Change...You Didn't Ask For is not only M.J. Ryan's best book, but the most accessible and practical book yet on the subject of change to date. It contains a compendium of best practices from cross-sector disciplines and research regarding transition and change in our lives. Nowhere will you find a more inspirational, realistic, comforting and accessible book that reduces fear and reopens possibility, curiosity, and creative solutions unimagined during the most challenging of times!”
—Angeles Arrien, Ph.D., cultural anthropologist and author of The Second Half of Life and Living in Gratitude
First published in 2014 by Conari Press, an imprint of
Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
With offices at:
665 Third Street, Suite 400
San Francisco, CA 94107
Copyright © 2009, 2014 by M.J. Ryan
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages. This is a paperback edition of AdaptAbility, first published in hardcover in 2009, ISBN: 978-0-7679-3262-2.
ISBN: 978-1-57324-600-2
The author and publisher gratefully acknowledge and credit the following for the right to reprint material in this book:
Stephen Levine for excerpt from Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings, © 1991 by Stephen Levine. Used by permission of Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request.
Cover design by Jim Warner
Cover image © Westend61 / SuperStock
Interior by Frame25 Productions
Typeset in Adobe Garamond Pro and Gotham
Printed in the United States of America.
EBM
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Change, when it comes, cracks everything open.
—Dorothy Allison
Contents
I. Welcome to “Permanent White Water”
CHANGE TRUTH #1: Change Is the One Thing You Can Count On
CHANGE TRUTH #2: It's Not Personal
CHANGE TRUTH #3: Your Thinking Is Not Always Your Friend
CHANGE TRUTH #4: Change Isn't the Enemy, Fear Is
CHANGE TRUTH #5: There's a Predictable Emotional Cycle to Change
CHANGE TRUTH #6: You're More Resilient Than You May Think
CHANGE TRUTH #7: Your Future Is Built on Bedrock That Is Unchanging
III. The Actions of a Change Master
Gather the Facts Like a Newspaper Reporter
What Other Information Do You Need?
The Truth Will Set You Free (Or at Least into Motion)
If You Can See It, It's Yours to Deal With
What Core Issue Does This Trigger?
It's Good to Bitch and Moan but Not Forever
Choose Carefully Where You Put Your Attention
Avoid Shame by Remembering That Difficulties Can Happen to Anyone
Don't Waste Precious Time or Energy on Blame