BEING RIGHT
Most of our censure of others is only oblique praise of self, uttered to show the wisdom and superiority of the speaker.
- Tyron Edwards
If there is one thing we like more than looking good, it’s being right, usually in a conversational zero-sum game – in other words, I am right and you are wrong, which makes me feel I am better than you. The desire to be right often drives us to make other people wrong, which can be very destructive in relationships. As the American author, educator and therapist Harville Hendrix said: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship? Because you can’t always have both. You can’t cuddle up and relax with ‘being right’ after a long day.”
The need to be right arises from a fear of being disrespected, or simply of being seen as we really are – flawed human beings, perfectly imperfect, full of contradictions and confusions. We yearn to feel justified and respected, and being right (or making others wrong) is the route we often choose to achieve these desires, because it sets us above other people.
It’s not easy to be around someone who has to be right the whole time.
Interrupting
One common habit that springs from the desire to be right is interrupting. This may result from speechwriting, as described earlier, but it can, and often does, arise with no planning at all – simply an overbearing desire to disagree, demand an answer or make a point now, without waiting for the other person to finish.
This is becoming more common in our impatient world, particularly in the media, where ‘attack journalism’ is rife: politicians have learned that they do not get time to develop arguments or to give nuanced answers before they are interrupted, a trait that has accelerated the descent of political debate into soundbites, as well as being a very poor role model for debate in general.
It’s not just media interviewers who interrupt: the habit is widespread even in situations where listening can mean the difference between life and death. A survey of physicians in the US and Canada found that patients were interrupted an average of 18 seconds into their opening statements; less than a quarter were allowed to complete what they wanted to say.
Interrupting has 2 unfortunate consequences. First, we don’t get to hear what the other person was going to say, which might have been useful or enlightening, and not what we expected. Second, it most likely damages the rest of the conversation by changing the dynamics – no longer equal, as the interrupter has exercised dominance – as well as the emotional context; the interrupted person may well feel belittled and offended, giving rise to anger, resentment and unwillingness to be open from that point.
Remember, as with all these observations, I am not saying the thing is always bad and wrong. Sometimes we do have to interrupt people! We may be wildly excited; they may have misunderstood; there may be time pressure or even danger; some people are just very long-winded. What am I saying is that, if it becomes a habit, it will reduce the power and effectiveness of your communication.
Exercise: Breathe!
Are you an interrupter? Do you know someone who is? If so, here’s a simple exercise to try. Breathe.
Before you speak, develop the habit of taking a deep breath. This is much easier and more natural than the old-fashioned advice to count to 3 (or even 10!) before speaking, which itself distracts you from listening to the other person.
As you take your lovely big in-breath, you may just notice that the other person is still speaking!
PEOPLE-PLEASING
Most people like to be liked, but when that turns into a great fear of being rejected or of failing, the result can be people-pleasing, a behaviour pattern that equates one’s own worth with the perceived happiness or approval of others. This is often (though not always) due to experiences of wounding rejection or harsh criticism early in life.
People pleasers may say yes when they mean no, for example going out when they would much rather stay in. They may agree in conversation with opinions that they fundamentally disagree with internally. They may deny their own truth in how they dress, behave and interact with others in order to be liked.
We all have this in us to some degree, especially in the formative and emotionally vulnerable teenage years when we try on identities, join tribes and even adopt uniforms to feel ‘part of’. Who wants to be a social reject? Also in totalitarian societies people-pleasing can be a life or death affair: not many people in North Korea are interested in standing in their own truth and fearlessly expressing their real opinions, and quite understandably so when the consequence is almost certain death. The same forces can be in play in any social group founded on bullying and intimidation, and when such a group dominates a country the resulting people-pleasing behaviour from millions has devastating consequences, as the Nazis demonstrated in the 1930s and 40s.
In free societies, we do have a choice, and as with all the leeches, it’s a question of degree. If someone is (and is perceived to be) very driven by people-pleasing, it will rob their communication of power. Agreeing with people all the time can be perceived as weakness, invalidating the views expressed. Honesty and authenticity are absent, and as we’ll see later, they are key foundations of powerful communication.
Exercise: Values
If you find yourself people-pleasing overmuch, try taking some time to think about your own values. These are probably best expressed as single nouns, for example loyalty, passion, generosity, curiosity or fairness. Ask yourself: what do I stand for? What is important in life? What are my principles? What’s not negotiable? Write down everything that comes to you… take your time, come back from time to time until you are sure you’ve captured every possibility. Then whittle them down to a manageable number, maybe 4 or 5 at most. If you can make a mnemonic out of them that helps to make them more memorable! (As an example, my values are faith, love, acceptance and gratitude, which spell FLAG – easy for me to hold on to even with my patchy memory!)
When you have your core values clear, it becomes much easier to stand in them and not be blown around by other people’s opinions or needs. You also gain a litmus test you can use from now on to make decisions easier: is this course of action in line with my values?
FIXING
For some people, it’s not acceptable for others to be upset. This may derive from people-pleasing, or it may be that strong negative emotion is itself something to be feared, either because of too much of it in a violent or explosive family of origin, or perhaps because of complete lack of experience of it, with a cool, reserved family of origin where emotional expression was unacceptable.
Either way, fixing is trying to make it all right. “Don’t cry” or “Don’t be upset” will be the primary response to pain.
Sometimes people need to be upset, and to express that in grief, sadness, anger or other strong negative emotions. If repressed instead of expressed, these emotions can go deep and dark and corrupt people as they fester.
My aunt told me a story that illustrated how even well-intentioned fixing can cause damage. She was born in Cardiff, Wales in the 1920s. When she was a little girl, her parents told her that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. She was so excited! The spare room was decorated as a nursery and as she watched her mother’s bump grow she imagined playing with her new sibling. Eventually the day came and her parents went off to hospital. She waited at home with a neighbour, watching through the net curtains… but when her parents returned, they were alone. Nothing was said; she was sent to stay with relatives. When she returned, the nursery had been redecorated. She did eventually get 2 little brothers, and much, much later she learned that her first brother had been stillborn – but she never forgot