Two distant lights appeared on the pitch-black highway, like dragon’s eyes. We cheered up. Everyone stepped out into the road. But the dragon turned out to be a lorry whose driver sped by without a glance in our direction.
Everyone began cursing. ‘Do they expect us to walk to Xiaotangshan?’ I was the only woman. I became a focus of interest. They asked me, ‘What will you do?’ One said, ‘She’ll go back to the farm team.’ ‘If you’re from the farm, they have lots of small buses going into town. Why didn’t you take one of those?’ I didn’t reply.
Just as we were cursing and talking, a bus slid noiselessly to a halt in front of us. Leaving our worries behind, we squeezed aboard. Some demanded to know why it was so late. The driver said the bus had broken down and taken a long time to repair. Only one of the headlights was working, so he’d barely managed to get here. Yet it seemed to me we were fortunate to be sitting in the belly even of a one-eyed dragon.
In this way, we rattled into town.
Although F and I had met three times, we had only been able to talk for four or five hours. I still knew little about his situation, for I felt there were things I shouldn’t ask about and things he shouldn’t talk about. So I knew nothing at all about how he had spent his ten years in gaol.
In early November, the Ministry of Public Security summoned me. This time I was taken directly to reception. Immediately I mentioned the person’s name at the wicket, there was a phone call. A woman in her thirties came out and identified me instantly. She led me to a visiting room. The first thing she said was ‘You’ve not changed, you’re the same as ever.’ I wondered why I couldn’t place her. Then I realised, there were all sorts of ways she could study me.
A short fat cadre emerged. He intoned, ‘On the basis of your behaviour over the last few years, we have reached a final verdict.’ He handed me a sheet, sixteenmo size, printed in conspicuous type with the words ‘No indictment to be laid’. Underneath was my original name, birthplace, and work unit. It said I was a professional writer belonging to the Chinese Writers’ Association who had been detained in 1955 for joining Hu Feng’s counter-revolutionary clique. Before that I had helped Hu Feng with July, Hope, and Hope Press. Later, I had helped transcribe the 300,000-word memo, which is why I was considered a core member of the clique. Because I had behaved well in custody, a decision had been taken not to charge me.
Inwardly I felt distaste, like eating sour fruit, yet I also felt our troubles were heading for resolution.
They watched me, as if expecting me to say something. I said, ‘Where would I have acquired such ability, you overestimate me. But I sincerely thank the Party for its magnanimity, in future I will strengthen my ideological remoulding.’
‘Don’t let up on your remoulding. We’re confident you can succeed. Help Hu Feng stabilise his position.’
The woman comrade added, ‘He’s stubborn. He hasn’t admitted his guilt. If he doesn’t do so, we’ll have to use other methods.’ I listened in terror. The comrade in charge brought out two bundles from behind the sofa and said, ‘These are your old manuscripts, which we confiscated.’
The woman comrade said, ‘Check whether any are missing. Then sign.’
I didn’t bother to untie them. I just flicked through them and signed. Not without emotion, I said, ‘I’ve long since given up on all that, I no longer intend to do literary work.’
Adopting a severe attitude, the comrade in charge said, ‘Such thinking is incorrect. Through ideological remoulding, you can serve the people even better. Try harder.’
I realised that what I had said was wrong under the circumstances. Luckily, they weren’t in charge of my case, or I would have got a telling off. All I could do was smile bitterly.
Back home, I read through the decision not to indict me. I knew nothing about the law, but I knew that it would not be of the slightest use to me. Even the Constitution could be amended at will. I remember how happy F had been the first time he got a copy of the Constitution and how he had given an unfinalised manuscript version to our elder son. He said, ‘Now our country has a Constitution. Everything has to be done according to the Constitution. Make sure you study it well.’ Who would have thought that in 1955 first Pan Hannian and then Hu Feng would be locked up and that the Constitution would be disregarded? Where on earth could I find legal evidence? Although I had been locked up for years and constantly interrogated, I was grateful to them for dealing with me so leniently. But as soon as they mentioned Hu Feng, the tone became threatening. What did they intend to do with him?
In the afternoon, Old Liu from the local police station came to see me. He didn’t often come, but he used to call in before every festival. He was extremely courteous. He wanted me to report on the other residents and especially visitors. Apparently that was my responsibility, since I lived on the ground floor. Not long before, he had told me to attend a meeting to hear a report on the general election. He seemed to trust me. In 1961, after my release, I took part in the third general election. By then, my civil rights had been restored.
After we had exchanged conventional greetings, he pulled a long face (this was new) and said, ‘We’re to deal with you from now on. In future, report regularly to us. We will set up a study class for you people.’
I almost jumped from my seat. ‘They said I wouldn’t be indicted. Has my freedom not been restored?’
‘Not indicting you doesn’t mean there’s no problem. You’re still wearing a counter-revolutionary hat.’
‘I’m still wearing a hat?’ I unconsciously touched my head.
‘That’s right, you still have to earn its removal by ideological remoulding.’
I didn’t dare say a word. I was like a deflated ball. I collapsed into my chair.
‘I’ve come to tell you to take part in the class we’re organising for people like you. Attend the police station the day after tomorrow, in the afternoon.’
He left without saying goodbye. How come it was suddenly even more serious than when I was under detention, how come they had put a hat on me? How could I live here in future? Wouldn’t people stab me in the back and curse me as a ‘counter- revolutionary’? There were some mischievous young people in the block who had broken a window and run off. When I complained, they said their father was a factory leader, or the leader of a mass organisation, or some such. They told me to mind my own business. If they got to know my status, they would throw dirt at me. The more I thought about it, the more frightened I became. I even thought of writing to the Ministry of Public Security and asking them to lock me up again, for the rest of my life.
I had exchanged a five-room one-storey house for my three ground-floor rooms. Initially, I had thought it was nice and quiet, but now I found it cold and desolate. I felt like bursting into tears. But I couldn’t. The window gave out onto the street. I couldn’t risk attracting people’s suspicion. That could have made things a lot worse. I sat there thinking miserable thoughts, tears dripping down onto my jacket.
It was Saturday, so my son arrived home early. When he saw me sitting there, he said:
‘Has something happened?’
‘No, I’m just not feeling very well.’
I didn’t have the courage to tell him. I longed to share my misery with him, to take him in my arms and cry, but that would have been cruel. I couldn’t burden his spirit once again with my troubles. He should be like a normal child, free of worries.
I went into the kitchen. Every Saturday, I used to cook