“I can see everything so much clearer after reading the book,” he said. “I’ve never been in therapy, but I can see myself on almost every page,” he revealed to Anita.
Pleased that the book helped him, Anita still panicked at what happened next.
Before Anita gave him the book about co-dependency, Paul knew the balance between his work and Monica’s work on the marriage was “a bit off.” He knew he deserved better, but he didn’t know to what extent or how to get it. The book answered those questions for him. And he realized how unhappy he was with Monica the way things stood.
Paul terrified Anita by jumping into action too quickly after reading the book. He decided he didn’t need therapy or other help. He would act.
“He went immediately from Point A to Point C,” Anita noted. “He began talking about leaving Monica right away and getting his own apartment. I was like, ‘Whoa! Slow down.’”
In February of 1994, Anita stepped out of the whirlwind and broke up with Paul. After a bad marriage, she didn’t need a relationship growing more serious by the minute with a man in an unhealthy and destructive marriage. In one sense, she feared commitment. If he divorced Monica, that changed everything. Anita felt she wasn’t in love with him then and she relished her hard won freedom. She needed to date others to be sure of her feelings. She needed to fulfill her own needs now that she was master of her own life.
Soon afterwards, Paul began writing Anita a love letter, saying he always wanted to be with her but wouldn’t push her into anything if that’s not what she wanted. Paul expected to wait until six months or so after he polished the last version of the letter on March 7, 1994, before giving it to Anita. He estimated that the date he would send it to her would be around September 25. Why he picked that date, he couldn’t explain. But he wanted to give his relationship with Anita time. Anita was afraid, he knew, of getting involved with someone so obviously caught in a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship with his wife. Although Anita had already broken up with Paul, they were still seeing each other as friends during this time. Paul believed Anita would change her mind and their relationship would again begin to blossom—especially after he and Monica divorced. He wrote in the letter that if she was reading it six months after he wrote it, then he and Monica were probably divorced.
As he penned those words, he had no idea what was about to happen during the months to follow.
Paul expressed his deep love for Anita in the letter and lamented the fact that Anita didn’t feel the same way.
“Why is it so hard to say or express that you love me?” he wrote. “Because you don’t? If you’re reading this, it must be the truth. I’ve thought very hard about what I am going to do next and it is not without great sadness that I must write this.”
That night in March when Paul actually wrote the letter, Anita went on a date with another man.
“I can’t compete with the other men you date,” the letter went on, “who are better looking than me. I’ll never be able to offer you anything more than my love, my care, my strong back and mind.”
He assured Anita that he wouldn’t want to own her, because of what she had taught him about codependency.
“I’ve come too far for that, but I do—and always will—desire you.”
He wrote that his love for her must not be enough if he had decided to give her the letter after all. “If you’re reading this, it means I give up.”
He told Anita they would’ve been great together, but he wouldn’t live a lie with her. He wouldn’t live with a soul mate who saw him as nothing but “safe,” as she had once told him. He said they’d always be friends and he thanked her for helping him recover from being dependent on Monica.
Then he told her how saddened he was to realize she wasn’t joking when she told him the Saturday before he wrote the letter that she didn’t love him. When she went out with another man the next night, he realized she really meant she didn’t want the serious relationship that he wanted.
“I know how Monica felt at the end of our love, grasping for something that was dead, trying to hold onto love lost…I’ll miss your counsel, your feisty spirit and your body more than you know. But I guess it’s time to let you go.”
Paul told Anita to call him if he was wrong about her needing to be free. He wrote he’d never forgive her ex-husband for abusing her physically and emotionally to the point that she might not ever be able to handle a committed, serious relationship.
“I love you and always have since the day we first met and, as in the ruby you wear, you will always have a piece of my heart. This is not a ‘Dear Anita’ letter, it is a letter of freedom on your part, because I finally realize I can’t hold your hand and walk life’s path side by side with you. I’ll miss you and Josh deeply. Give him my love, for I do love and respect him immensely. Forever yours, Paul.”
The irony was that Paul mainly wrote the letter to get his feelings out. He wasn’t sure he would ever send it. He put the letter in the glove compartment of his truck, mistakenly assuming it would be safe from the scrutiny of others.
Meanwhile, Paul dropped what must have seemed to Monica to be like a nuclear bomb. The macho-on-the-outside, passive-on-the-inside man became assertive and began openly questioning the state of their marriage. “I’m doing all the giving in our relationship,” he said, “while you receive everything.” His defiant comments and questioning caused Monica’s suspicions to jerk and she started looking for reasons for the change in her husband.
She took to searching his things. She went through the pockets of his trousers and jackets hanging in the closet; she checked under the pile of shorts and T-shirts in his drawers; she rifled through the desk where he kept mail and bills. On March 7, not finding anything in the house, she checked his truck. After first running her hand underneath the seats, she popped open the glove compartment and swept the contents out onto the floor of the cab. Immediately, she found the letter to Anita. It was all she could do to restrain herself from ripping it open. Then, finding that the envelope wasn’t sealed, she carefully extracted the letter, sickened at the sight of Paul’s handwriting filling the pages. Words of love to another woman! The letter held her transfixed. Whether or not Monica missed the gist of the letter, which was that Paul intended to end the affair, she focused entirely on the word “love.” Paul loved Anita. That meant he didn’t love Monica. How could any man resist Monica? How could Paul love someone else when he had Monica? More than furious, she felt deserted and very much alone as she read about Paul’s secret life.
Little did Paul and Anita know, Monica had a secret life of her own.
Later on after she discovered the letter, Monica showed up at the Farmington bank where Anita worked as a loan officer. Anita immediately recognized her as Paul’s wife. She had some friends in tow and was looking intently around the bank lobby. When Monica spied Anita’s nameplate, the group headed her way.
She has a sense of purpose on her face like she’s on a mission, Anita thought. I hope this confrontation doesn’t get too ugly right here in front of my co-workers.
Monica looked beautiful that day. She had finally lost the weight she’d gained from her pregnancies and looked terrific in a softly tailored, tan jumpsuit, her makeup flawless.
“I’m Paul Dunn’s wife. I just wanted to meet the woman who’s breaking up my marriage,” she said, loudly enough