The Necessity of Knowing Who We Are
We do not want to arrive at the end of our lives feeling like we have not frilly lived, that something vital was left undone. Within ourselves, we have parts that can tell the difference between living our true lives—the ones we were meant to have—and lives that have been dictated to us by other people.
This part of the self that knows is the Core, the inviolable True Self, the Real Self the Higher Self. This inner touchstone tells us who we really are, and who we are meant to be. It is the white stone on which our true name is written. Not the “name” our parents pinned on us in this lifetime, but our soul’s identity. In his book, The Soul’s Code, James Hillman uses his “acorn theory” (1) to describe the inevitability of our personal destiny. Just as a tiny acorn holds the code for a spreading oak tree, so each of us is born with an intent that seeks to express itself every chance it gets.
You are the most important person in your life. You may have tried to believe otherwise, but you have paid for this misperception with the discontent you feel or the symptoms you suffer. Perhaps you still clutch on to the illusion that you are harming no one when you give up your dreams. We can twist our potential into strange shapes of conformity without wincing, yet are seized with panic when we are invited to unbend and follow our true desires.
What Kind of Force Are You Going to be in the World?
Discovering the desires of your real self is not an esoteric exercise. You have a moral duty to recover your happiness. Does that surprise you? What you do with your life affects the way you drive your car, talk to your children, treat your employees, and relate to your spouse or life partner: You are choosing every day what kind of force you are going to be in the world: a force for growth, or a force for resignation. These may sound like abstract ideals, but their practical outcomes are very real. There is not a person in this world who has resigned himself to an unhappy and unrewarding existence who has not had demoralizing effects on the most cherished people in his life.
Unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment get passed down from generation to generation like bad genes, and they affect the more vulnerable, sensitive members of the family until someone gets serious symptoms of emotional problems.
What you decide to do with your life, in your generation, is not just about you. It is about what you are going to be giving to the world and passing down the line. Taking responsibility for your own life being satisfying and fulfilling is not a selfish act in the old sense of that word. Think of it as psychological pollution control: we are obliged to clean up our own dissatisfactions before they contaminate our relationships with others. Put your fears that your desire for fulfillment is “selfish” to rest.
The Right Purpose
Our obligation or duty is to play our parts in life so that our particular strengths and weaknesses, our very individuality, can interweave with the fabric of the world in ways that enrich and strengthen both ourselves and the world. Our individuality is our one perfect gift to our parents and the world. And it must be given, put out into the world in exchange and sharing; otherwise it withers and curls into unrecognizable shapes that bear little resemblance to the pattern of intent that crystallized at our birth.
However, many of us are anxious to not harm anyone with the pursuit of our purpose. Our wish to do no harm can become so primary we try to kill off our real selves. Few people want to know their lives’ purposes if they think that following these purposes would lead to suffering for themselves or their loved ones. Yet the right purpose for your life is never dangerous or harmful. There is always a path to take that fulfills you without harming others. Of course, if you have not found this way yet, you rightly hesitate to act. However, together in this book we are going to seek your solution. A true life’s purpose always has some benefits for other people as well as yourself. This is the principle of overflow, and will be dealt with in chapter eight, which takes up the subject of putting the self first.
When people initially get the urge to follow their dreams, it is often in the form of fantasies about total breaks from their everyday lives. We daydream about leaving our spouses, quitting our jobs, moving to the tropics. After being stifled for so long, can you blame the true self for going a little overboard? The subconscious mind is histrionic; like a bad stage actor it goes to extremes to show us a subtle truth. Learn to listen to its underlying message—“You need change”—instead of the harebrained solutions with which it first peppers the mind.
Your true right purpose is trying to find you, but you may not know yet what it looks like. You must find out how to recognize this stranger if it approaches you. Below is a checklist that may be a good match for some of your thoughts and ideas about your true purpose (for an indepth quiz on finding your true direction, see Appendix A):
The Right Purpose Checklist
You feel energized and deeply interested in it
You feel fully engaged, “clicking on all cylinders,” as you do it
You feel like you belong there.
It has a constructive purpose, directly or indirectly.
It does not exploit, humiliate, or harm others without permission.
It has built-in potential for your continuing development
You have a sense of pride and “rightness” about it.
Signs of it popped up all through your life, even from childhood.
You will notice that the checklist does not say that your purpose will never cause your parents any worry, or that your spouse will surely think it is a good idea. Jostling, bumping into others, occasionally stepping on toes, all may be unavoidable when we follow our true purpose, a result of being genuinely focused on getting where we want to go. As long as the harm is not intentional, other people can be amazingly understanding of our need to be single-minded about these things.
When you make good choices about your life’s purpose, you will have an influence on other people’s lives, but cannot know in advance who they will be. Many people want the assurance that if they follow their dreams, they will end up directly helping their loved ones, or improving the lives of their families. This cannot be guaranteed, especially if your interests are very different from those of your family. It could well be that the people to whom you will bring satisfaction or happiness are far removed from your family.
Your job as an adult human being is to go out into the world and contribute what you can as you engage in self-fulfilling work and the pursuit of happiness. It is very possible that you could end up helping many other people while being utterly unable to improve your own family. Your family may be unable to receive your contribution, because they are not interested in it They might not “get” it. Other people better suited to your family’s needs may have to find their way to them. Meanwhile, your job is to head out to where you can do the most good.
It seems to be a rare event when family members have enough things in common to make staying inside the family maximally fulfilling and productive. Sometimes people feel that they are at cross-purposes with their families, and this is often quite literally true. Our first and foremost job as grown-ups is not to avoid hurting the feelings of loved ones at all costs or to protect our parents from the emotional distress of an empty nest. Our jobs are to find our destinies and become productive contributors to our chosen adult communities.