The real benefit of positive signs and serendipities is that they reflect our inner landscape, our land of dreams, and where we stand in relation to them. Learn to read where you really are through the kinds of “signs” you are experiencing. They are very reliable reflections of what you are willing and able to accept at this time. If many negative signs are crossing your path, it merely shows that you have inner fear and a lack of preparation. That is all it shows.
The signs and serendipities you see and feel will tell you whether you are primarily committed or primarily reluctant. Remember that serendipities confirm a rightful order to the universe and hopefulness about your life. In contrast, negative signs are agents of your own fear, the voice of the old guard telling you that the world does not want you to come play. “See,” the voice says, “they didn’t return your call. They don’t want to play with you. Come home,” it whispers, “back where you are safe.” Surely this is not what you want to listen to for the rest of your life. Such a life, as Thoreau said, would be one “of quiet desperation.”
Getting Your Blessing
Who does not crave a parent’s blessing when he or she steps out into the world? Blessing is an old custom often neglected in our culture, but it is still psychologically crucial. In the old days, a young man getting ready to set off on his self-supporting life would go to his parents for a blessing. This ritual put the stamp of approval on his transformation from child to grown man. It required the parent to give up complete ownership of the child, so he could become a man in his own right It also gave notice to the young man that his childhood was officially done.
These days, instead of sitting down with our parents and getting the go ahead to grow up, we leave this very important matter hanging. We inch into adulthood without a ritual that says explicitly; “This is the end of my childhood, it is now up to me.” For many people in our culture, this final necessary step is not fully experienced until middle age when elderly parents die. We have ceremonies for school graduation, for marriage and baptisms, but none of these provide the psychological ritual we need: the official recognition that grown children are people with a right to unique lives apart from their parents’ expectations.
When parents are not required to give their formal blessing to their child’s independence, they can continue subconsciously to influence and even rule their children’s lives. No matter how they feel about us, most parents do not want to let go. Parents continue to need their children, way past the point of what is good for parent or child. Emotionally mature parents release their children anyway, but the insecure parent keeps an iron grip on the attachment. In some families, an ambitious child may be able to get out on her own with few problems, while one of her siblings may continue to be stuck in some version of the baby role, awaiting the permission to grow up that never comes.
It is not how often a person has contact with her family that identifies her level of independence. It is whether or not the person has taken hold of directing her own life. It is perfectly possible to grow up, leave home, get a job, and still be caught in the role of lifelong child, because you care too much about what your parents think. How can you tell if you care too much? You find yourself thinking twice—once for yourself and once for your parents—before you pursue what you really want.
Think again about the person from whom you feel you need permission. Who it is will be obvious if you give it a moment of honest reflection. It may be a disapproving parent, a depressed or needy spouse or maybe even a domineering friend. But the people from whom you need permission are the people who are mentally holding you back. You worry about what they would think; you can hear their criticisms and warnings inside your head. Wanting permission from someone tells you that you have accepted that person’s domination over your life.
Asking for permission puts us in an infantile, dependent state, but asking for a blessing is a step toward adulthood. With a blessing request, we already know what we want to do and are planning to do it When we make the bold move of asking for a blessing, it is because we want the most important people in our lives to support us. The most compassionate and empowering parents do not wait for their child to ask for a blessing: instead they give it spontaneously at each new crossroad in their child’s life. However, if you are like many of us, your parents overlooked that step, leaving you always feeling a little uneasy about your adult status in their eyes. Therefore, you may need to get your blessing someplace else.
This new kind of permission, this blessing, can come from other sources: yourself and a mentor or supportive friend. In many cases, you have to give the permission and blessing to yourself in order to grow up and leave home, no matter how old you are. Think about it this way: you have done your time. You have put sheer numbers of years into what other people wanted you to do. You must now do something for yourself. Whatever your age, don’t wait for a mid-life crisis. Seek self-understanding now, and look for your blessing from the people who can give it ungrudgingly.
Find people who love to see you stretch your wings, who applaud it when you strike out on your own. Let them be the ones from whom you seek your blessing, because they will certainly give it Look for people who are not threatened by your dreams, who would rejoice in your success.
Mature, loving parents give their blessing, even if their own dreams have gone unfulfilled. This kind of parent makes sure support for his child’s future outweighs his inevitable envy of the child’s freedom. Even if your parents do not or can not extend this kind of support, you can bless your dreams with the compassionate heart of such a parent, the parent you must become to yourself.
Whatever you call it, the ego’s mission boils down to one aim: your unhappiness and lack of personal fulfillment. The ego does not want you to find yourself nor feel your unique purpose and power.
Standing in the shadows, running the show but taking no responsibility, is the ego, your inner critic. The ego is the hit man of the psyche, handed by ancient prohibitions against real individuality. In its most pleasant form, the ego brings euphoria and the kind of inflated self-image that guarantees busted ambitions. At its worst, the ego crushes hope and incentive, and will not rest until you agree to give up the dream. The ego, our inner enemy, undermines us in the most insidious and subtle ways. It is like an agent of a dictatorial state, keeping us too frightened—or too grandiose—to live our dreams. No matter which route it takes, fear or grandiosity, the ego has but one goal: to make sure you never fulfill who you were meant to be. It is anti-happiness, and anti-destiny.
My client Carl was in the grip of his ego for years. Carl was an artist by talent and desire. However, growing up in a working class family, Carl had memories of his mother throwing his drawings in the trash and his father telling him art was for faggots. With phenomenal integrity and drive, Carl went ahead, despite his lack of parental support, and pursued a graduate degree in fine arts, intending a career as a professional artist. Then his ego got hold of him. Carl began to become more and more high-minded about