Copyright ©2000 by Lindsay C. Gibson
All rights reserved No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical, or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.
Requests for permission should be addressed to:
New Horizon Press
P.O. Box 669
Far Hills, NJ 07931
Gibson, Lindsay G
Who You Were Meant To Be:
A Guide to Finding or Recovering Your Life’s Purpose
Cover Design: Mike Stromberg/The Great American Art Company
Interior Design: Susan M. Sanderson
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 99-70158
ISBN-13 (eBook): 978-0-88282-540-3
New Horizon Press
2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 5 4 3 2 1
To Skip and Carter,
with all my love.
Table of Contents
Author’s Note
Acknowledgements
Introduction
SECTION I: How Our Legacies Hold Us Back
Chapter One: Who Were You Meant to Be?
Chapter Two: Who Gives You Permission?
Chapter Three: Ego: The Enemy Within
Chapter Four: Motivation vs. Helplessness and Hopelessness
Chapter Five: Loyalty, Guilt, and Growth
Chapter Six: Wishing and Risking
SECTION II: Developing Your Adult Destiny Despite Present Obstacles
Chapter Seven: What Stands in Your Way?
Chapter Eight: Putting Yourself First
Chapter Nine: Mind Reading: The Still, Small Voice
Chapter Ten: Picking Your Problems
Chapter Eleven: Fitting in: Finding Your Lifestyle and Community
Chapter Twelve: Who You Were Meant to Be: Reminders for the Rest of Your Life
Appendix A
Appendix B
Notes
Bibliography
Index
This book is based on my counseling work with patients, a study of the relevant literature, and my clients’ own real life experiences. Fictitious names and identities have been given to all characters in this book in order to protect individual privacy. Personal characteristics and family circumstances of the individuals in the book have been altered to prevent recognition.
As is said many times in the pages to follow, nobody does it alone. Never was this more true than on this project Every principle about needing a community of like-minded souls to provide support and stimulation has been thoroughly tested and proven through the writing of this book. First and foremost, my deepest appreciation goes to my family, who kept believing in me and in the possibility of this book Real love is encouraging your loved one’s success, even when it means picking up the slack to give her the room to follow her dream.
I cannot describe how important the support of my sister and friends has been during this project. They held the enthusiasm and vision for me even when I had misplaced it, and never expressed one pessimistic thought no matter how much I tempted them to do so. Much love to Mary Babcock, my sister, who has encouraged my creativity from the beginning, and to Esther Freeman, who was unfailingly there to help me figure out the next step. Special affection to Barbara Forbes, and her refusal to waver from her vision of being at the book- signing, and sincerest thanks to my other official mentors for this project Ted Stevens, Judi Meyer, Scott Carter, Judi Carter, and Tom Bird, whose writing class showed me how to get from there to here. Judy Snider has also been an extraordinary friend through this whole process, and her contagious excitement has been glorious. Thanks also to Kathy Brehony, who had already blazed the trail between psychologist and author, and then generously gave me the benefit of her advice and experience. I am thankful too for the wholehearted encouragement and interest shown by Morna Owens, Debbie Stevens, and Karen Neymark, and for my uncle Louie, who believed in my potential as a writer from the very beginning. I am also grateful for my contact with Unity Renaissance church, which celebrates individual creativity as a divine partnership.
This book could not have come into being without the tireless efforts of my wonderful agent, Susan Crawford. She never gave up in her insistence that this book had to get out there, that its message was too important to lose, and her determination was a marvel to behold.
Finally, my love and high hopes to Carter, Lindsay, Catherine, Randy, Landon, John, Adam, Chris, Josh, and Sarah, who are all going to do great things.
How did we get to be so uncomfortable with who we really are? Why do creative and capable people turn their energies away from their truest longings for self-expression? As a psychotherapist and concerned human being, these are questions that interest me deeply. I have been troubled all my life by watching bright and talented people not do what they were happiest doing—and often for the noblest reasons.
In my early days as a therapist, I was a real cheerleader. It was second nature for me to jump in and start offering my clients ideas for how they could make themselves feel better. Like a smiling waiter offering a dessert tray, I would ask them to consider this solution or that idea. I was eager to whet their appetites for growth by showing them possibilities. My clients listened with interest, but they rarely followed up on these great suggestions. Worse, they seemed to feel badly about not being able to go along with me when I so obviously wanted to help them. I also recommended excellent self-help books, thinking some good ideas from outside sources would help. No dice.
There were forces operating in my consulting room that went beyond the scope of enthusiasm or positive thinking. There was something unseen standing in the way between my client and me, unperceived by us both, but which bounced back my ideas and encouragements as if I had hurled them against a wall Finally I learned to sit back and fix my gaze in the middle distance. What was that wall? What was standing between me and my client? What was keeping this person from receiving help and growing? Soon I began to figure out what these forces were that joined us in every session working as hard against my clients’ growth as I was to help them. Their power over my clients was formidable, yanking them back into depression or walloping them with an anxiety attack just when things started to get better.
When