Brandon had developed a negative internal working model (N-IWM) from his early trauma. He could transfer his belief system to the external world through the “miracle” of disobedience and have this belief system reinforced through consequences administered as part of the treatment plan. Poor behavior would be identified as “bad,” “evil” and “mean.” A N-IWM causes an inability to effectively make decisions in a positive environment. The child feels a sense of “wrongness” when behaving in the expected way, as it runs counter to the N-IWM. Therefore, this inability to make positive decisions is essentially a “hurt part,” an injury that needs to heal like a broken leg would need to heal before a child can run again. Behavioral approaches assume that the child does not have this “hurt part,” but is instead capable of making good decisions (that is, that the child has a positive internal working model [P-IWM]).
Even after Brandon lost the reward, he preferred to believe, as Bob did, that he had “made the choice” to lose. Instead, the trauma-informed understanding is that Brandon is currently too weak for now to tolerate the fear that comes with success and the challenging of his N-IWM. Most children with early trauma damage will feel more comfortable with the interpretation that they chose the behavior (“I am bad,” instead of “I am too weak to do right.”) The negative consequence feels better to the child (accurately aligns with the child’s belief about self and adults) than the assumption that he or she is weak. But in reality, this child is no more able to make positive choices than a child with a broken leg is able to walk. By trying to implement a strictly behavioral approach, parents fail to account for the trauma damage—namely, the resulting negative internal working model (N-IWM) that will inevitably sabotage the behavior modification plan.
2. Parents Are Capable.
To begin the foster and adoptive process, parents must attend classes, be assessed and be found competent to parent a child. Responding to reference requests, friends and colleagues vouch for their moral integrity and social competence. Their home is inspected and other children in the home are questioned. Successful completion of the evaluation process and granting of the adoption or foster care license convinces parents that they are capable of parenting any child brought their way. Their flourishing birth children further persuade them that “We can do this!”
Corey’s Family
Rebecca felt so confident when Corey arrived. He took his toiletries basket to his room and politely asked about dinner time: “I want to make sure I wash up before we eat,” he said. Rebecca was sure that he was a good fit for their family. He reminded her of her son Andy. A few weeks went by before she noticed food missing from the kitchen. Rebecca searched Corey’s room while he was outside playing. To her dismay she found food and wrappers hidden all over his room. That evening, Danny and Rebecca explained to Corey that he was not allowed to take food without asking. He promised he would never do that again. Unfortunately, the next night Andy’s friend was coming for dinner and Rebecca could not find the dessert she’d made. Rebecca began to question their decision to adopt.
During the integration process, most parents use their familiar parenting skills. It is not until problem behaviors escalate that parents begin to question why their child’s behavior is not improving. Rebecca calmly and clearly outlined for Corey why the behaviors were wrong or not needed. She checked his understanding by having him repeat her explanation, just as parenting classes advise. She provided him with suggestions for alternate behaviors and obtained from him a commitment to do things differently. After all, the parenting manual they had received provided the same techniques that they’d been applying successfully to their birth children. Their intuition told them that Corey really did understand and was contrite about the “oversights.”
But Corey continued to steal and stash food. Rebecca and Danny were faced with either needing to modify their perception of themselves or of Corey: either “I guess we are wrong. We are not good parents, just lucky that our birth children are all right,” or “We are good parents, but Corey is just bad.” And there it was, Corey’s N-IWM invading the here-and-now and infecting the parent-child relationship.
The parents’ belief of themselves as capable and good directly clashes with the child’s belief of the parents as incompetent and hurtful. Successful, capable parents like Danny and Rebecca can be comfortable (or at least less afraid) by interpreting the dilemma as “this child is bad.” They now must grieve the loss of their conviction that their parenting of their adoptive child would require not much more effort than that of their birth children and accept that they will have to put in long, hard work requiring constant attention and active learning.
Danny and Rebecca gained access to a new in-home service. They told the team about their flourishing birth children and how difficult it was to parent Corey. They said with a combination of sadness and frustration that unless this new service could “work magic,” other placement options might become necessary.
3. My Child’s Problems Are a Reflection on My Parenting Skills.
Once parents feel they are competent and have a “We can do this” attitude, the child’s persistent poor behavior may eventually begin to feel like a flaw in their basic parenting skills rather than the persisting aftermath of early trauma. Parents then routinely perceive others as judging them when their child misbehaves. Well-meaning friends, family and sometimes strangers just as routinely suggest that the parents should be more loving or more strict. Schools often reinforce this belief when the child is problematic. Eventually the parents begin to worry that the child’s misbehavior is reflecting badly on the extended family—grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Sally’s Family
Jane needed to have someone to talk to about Sally’s behaviors: someone to listen, have empathy for the problems she was experiencing, brainstorm solutions and validate her experience of the difficulty. Yet every time she called her sister, she regretted the call. Her sister would begin a tirade about how Jane had had no parenting experience and should never have adopted Sally. Her sister clearly interpreted Sally’s poor behavior as proof positive of Jane’s lack of parenting acumen. Jane could not turn to her parents for moral support—her mother considered worrying a virtuous badge of honor! Jane felt alone. Her sister, like so many others with no understanding of early trauma in children, fell back on the simplistic notion that good parents don’t have poorly behaving children.
Sally’s school staff eventually called Child Protective Services after Jane continued to insist that Sally complete her homework even if it took four or more hours per evening. This intervention instilled even deeper in Jane’s heart that she was an incompetent parent.
Parents see and hear blame from many sources. They feel directly accountable for the child’s misbehavior. They are the ones who must pay damages for property destroyed by their children. They are the ones who must pay truancy fines. So once again, the child’s N-IWM is reinforced rather than confronted and challenged. Eventually, more and more of the parents’ energy is dissipated in the service of defending against the perception that they are bad, that they are the problem. Almost inevitably and ironically, their constant efforts to “look good” are seen by others as proof of their inadequacy as parents. Jane had never imagined the scenario of forcing her daughter to sit at the table for over four hours in an evening to finish homework, but only inadequate parents have children who do not complete their homework!
4. All the Child Needs Is Love.
Parents desire to love a child and perceive that the child will respond to their love.