I don’t speak.
“Sorry.”
“I care about you both,” I say, stating the obvious.
“I’m doing this precisely because I care about him,” she sighs.
“I know, I know, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, Kim!” she snaps. “I didn’t go rogue and tell my boyfriend like you told Audrey. Did you ever think that maybe doing that places an unfair burden on her? That maybe rules are there for a reason?”
“I didn’t see you worried about rules during the visibility march.”
“That was about supporting who we are, showing up for difference. When that video went viral, I told DJ I was marching as an ally to my queer and social activist friends.”
“So many lies,” I say.
“White lies that protect us and them!”
“But he knows the truth about your feelings for him,” I shoot back.
“Yes. And that’s nowhere near the same as dumping your whole history on one person and then saying, Now love me unconditionally even if the next time you see me I look like the Keebler elf, and by the way, you’re now required to be complicit in this secret society, or else I might get disappeared.” Destiny takes a breath. “If I’m not going to be with DJ for the rest of my life, why saddle him with my baggage, with Changer baggage? Until the whole Changer community is out and integrated, it’ll only screw him up. The kindness is to maintain the lie.”
Watching Destiny lecture me on the small screen on my bed, I feel a jolt deep in my gut. She’s kind of right. I never thought about the fact that telling Audrey, especially before I’ve completed my Cycle of changing, puts her in a pretty messed-up position. What if she’s not interested in the person I become next? Even if I’m the “same person on the inside,” and she somehow finds a way to let her feelings for Drew and Oryon extend to Kim, it doesn’t mean she’s necessarily always going to be attracted to my outside. I can hope, but I can’t really expect that sort of blind acceptance from her. She shouldn’t have to feel all this pressure to be “down” with something that is, let’s face it, weird. Never mind that her family is Abider-leaning, at best. Active DL Abiders at worst. Why did I think I could push all that aside? Oh right. Sex.
“Audrey’s different,” I say. “And I couldn’t explain away the bracelet after she saw it.”
“You wore it so she would see it. You put this in action. It was all for you, not for her.”
“Whatever, Destiny.”
“Maybe Audrey is different,” she continues. “I hope she is. But I need to set DJ free. It feels greedy that I kept him this close this long.”
“He wants to be with you forever,” I point out.
“He wants to be with Destiny forever.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, can’t he at least have another year or something? Why rush?”
Destiny falls quiet.
And it clicks. Holy batballs! She’s considering not picking Destiny. The notion takes me aback. I guess I’d assumed all year that she’d choose to be Destiny. I mean, I would. Anyone in their right mind would. Look at her. Look at how people treat her. Why not go through life like that if you have the chance?
“You aren’t declaring Destiny?” I ask, incredulous.
“I don’t know,” she admits after a breath. “I don’t know what I’m doing. What I do know is that I don’t want to be thinking about a guy while I’m supposed to be thinking about ME, about who I’m trying to be.”
“You sound like a Mary J. Blige song.”
“Let me guess, one of your mom’s playlists?” she asks, switching it up, done with the combative part of the conversation, holding up a thick notebook with V1 printed on the front. “These Chronicles, man. They mess with your head.”
“I can’t even imagine what reading those feels like.”
“Well, you will soon enough,” she says, dropping the notebook, part one of four years’ worth of Destiny’s every thought and feeling thudding on her desk.
“What’s the worst stuff to read so far?” I ask.
“Oh easy, my time with you.”
“Ha ha.”
“You’ll be at my Forever Ceremony next week, right?” she asks genuinely.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
“Wait—duh, you have to be there,” she says. “Changers Council rules! All Y-3s have to see what the Forever Ceremony’s all about so you know what to expect next year.”
“I’d come even if Turner wasn’t taking attendance.”
“Honest, I’m happy you’ll be there when I declare,” she says, gesturing to the stack of Chronicles on her desk. “I guess I gotta get back to these.”
“If there’s anything I can do to help, holla. I can point out the pros and cons of your various personality traits—”
“There is one thing,” she cuts in. “I’m going to write DJ a letter. A real-life old-fashioned paper one with a feather quill and ink and all that—and I want you to give it to him before my ceremony.”
“Done. Maybe use a regular pen though.”
“I love you, Kimmie. You feel that, right?”
“I love you too,” I say, adding, “but only if you pick Destiny!”
At that she made a grotesque face, contorting her lips and nose into unnerving shapes, right up close to the camera on her laptop, before she hung up.
She was still pretty.
Kim
Change 3–Day 275
Central Graduation was today. I couldn’t sit next to Audrey because she was with her family, her parents shedding copious tears when Jason limped across stage in his thick ankle boot and wooted as he reached center stage. I was there to support DJ and, let’s be real, spend as much time as possible in Audrey’s vicinity before she’s shipped off to orthodox redneck camp.
Luckily, I sat where I could see Audrey and she could see me—a direct line, in fact. It was so sunny we both wore sunglasses, but a tingle still went up my spine when I sensed her gazing my way, that sweet smile on her face, those glossy pink lips. I swear she was just about to melt my insides to liquid, when I heard DJ’s name announced from the loudspeaker.
I hopped up from my seat, clapped and whistled as he received his diploma and shook the principal’s hand (even though they announced you’re not supposed to do that for individual students). Whatevs. Give me detention next year; I’ll definitely show up!
I whistled even louder when DJ turned and waved at his family in the middle rows, the sound startling and loud enough that even DJ heard, grinning and pointing my way before exiting stage left. After graduation, I “met” DJ’s mom Emebet, and by “met” I mean reintroduced myself as Kim, since we of course met when I was Oryon and she drove us to the Youth Poetry Slam finals that DJ dominated last year. As proud as Emebet was then, she was one hundred times prouder today, beaming and telling everyone within a mile radius that her baby boy was going to Yale!
When she asked me and DJ to get together and pose for a photo, DJ whispered through his smile, “What did Destiny say?”
To which I answered through