Acceptance: It’s Amazing How Your Mind Comes to Terms with Reality.
You may experience a slow evolution to acceptance of whatever treatments are necessary to deal with your specific cancer by a unique process of bargaining with yourself. The good news is you always win, and you also come to accept issues when you are emotionally ready to handle them.
I began with an attitude of, “Okay, I want to do surgery as fast as possible, but we caught it early so I won’t need anything else, except maybe a little radiation.” Then, following surgery, when my doctors started discussing adjuvant chemotherapy because of the size of my tumor and aggressiveness of the cell types, I conceded, “All right, just a little chemo, but nothing too toxic. Make sure I don’t lose my hair.” And finally, after several opinions from oncologists and the realization and acceptance that this is a serious disease that could kill me if I don’t treat it properly, my attitude became, “Who cares about my hair, I want my life! Bring in the big guns! Give me the most aggressive chemo you have . . . I’m tough, I can handle it. And by the way, what else do you have in your arsenal that I can do to make sure that this never, ever comes back ? ! ? !”
A Whole New Meaning to One Day at a Time.
If you’re reading this book, you are probably a planner, an organizer, just like me. You’ve often been advised not to worry about the future, just to take one day at a time as it comes. Guess what? It’s true. With cancer, that rush to get to tomorrow comes to a screeching halt. Sure you want to get all this surgery and treatment stuff over with and behind you because you might just not feel that great. But beyond that, just savoring today brings a whole new perspective to that old adage. Because you’ll never know what tomorrow will bring—either good or bad.
SPREADING THE NEWS: EXPOSING YOURSELF TO THE WORLD
Okay, so you’ve now broken the news to your cherished “inner circle” as part of the means to help you comprehend the magnitude of this news. So what’s next? How do you spread—or not spread, if that’s your choice—the news to a broader group of people. To whom do you turn first? Who needs to know directly from you? How do you control the message so the rumor mill doesn’t run rampant? Do you even care? How do you manage this entire process without feeling an incredible sense of exposure and vulnerability?
Enlist Your Inner Circle . . . Assign Roles.
In additional to enlisting your inner circle for emotional support (that goes without saying, it’s why you chose them), you also want to communicate with them about the very practical, logistical things you might need help with over the next few months. Based on how you think each person might be most helpful, you can assign roles to help you. Some might have the right temperament to accompany you to doctor appointments and consultations, helping to take notes, listening for you when you really aren’t hearing, and managing medical records to alleviate you of such administrative headaches. Others might contribute by helping with research and gathering information, which may simultaneously lower their anxiety levels, as they become more educated and informed. And others may be best suited to helping to manage your family and life chores, including babysitting, running errands, housekeeping, cooking, etc.
Tread Lightly on Your Partner. . . . He May Be on Overload Right Now.
If your spouse or significant other has momentary lapses of unexplainable or strange behavior, cut him a bit of slack right now. He’s acting double, even triple, duty right now, trying to deal with his own emotions and fears of losing you, while also needing to appear strong and supportive of you. Furthermore, if you have children who need caretaking, he also may be taking on a greater share of the burden of handling both their reactions and schedules to lighten the load on you. If at times, he needs to withdraw, get angry, not seem as supportive as possible, let him. Just make sure you keep your communications channels open, to let him acknowledge and validate his feelings. Just as you are entitled to momentary respites from playing the hero, so is he.
Young Kids Are Amazingly Intuitive. Don’t Hide . . .
If you have young children at home, they will probably know something is wrong long before you say a word to them. Kids are amazingly intuitive and will just know, so don’t hide. Most experts would advise you to be candid and straightforward with information, but not too clinical. Don’t explain more than they need to know. Try to be reassuring, but also realistic as they will see straight through sugar-coated stories by the tone of your voice and your behavior and that of other adults around. Since a sense of security is very important to children, try to enlist family members or friends whom they are comfortable with to help ensure their routine stays normal, and your need for medical care disrupts them as little as possible.
However, in the end, you know your children best—their levels of perception, comprehension, and development—and are in the best position to gauge what they can handle. Cancer is such a delicate issue that you might consider enlisting professional expertise through this initial phase. Ask your doctors to refer you to appropriate social workers and/or child psychologists.
. . . But Older Kids May Be More Difficult to Predict.
The older your children are, the less likely you’ll be able to hide anything from them. But the more difficult it may be to predict their response to your illness. They may be a terrific source of support and comfort, both logistically and emotionally. Or they may retreat, reeling from having their world turned upside down as you—their source of nurturing and comfort—now need to be nurtured and comforted. Furthermore, the reaction of daughters often becomes more complicated, as they may experience their own fears or anxieties about the possibly hereditary nature of this disease and may feel guilt and/or resentment that they are unsure how to contend with.
Help Your Friends Along.... They May Be Waiting for “Clues” from You.
Some of your friends will immediately move into helpful mode and instinctually know what to do to help you. Others, however, may either be paralyzed by the fear of losing you, or simply awkward and embarrassed, and will not know what to do until you offer specific suggestions. And still others will be unable to deal with your diagnosis due to their own insecurities and fears of mortality and will disappear, either temporarily or permanently. You just have to remind yourself that other people’s behavior really has less to do with the strength of your friendship than with that individual’s own psychological constitution and prior experience with cancer (e.g., they may be terrified because they lost a loved one to cancer). So, for those who do stay in the picture but don’t know how to help, tell them. Start with something small, such as picking up a few groceries for you on their way home because you might be too tired. Gauge their responsiveness, and determine whether to ask for bigger favors, such as accompanying you to chemotherapy.
If you haven’t heard from people that you’d expect to, call them. Just hearing your voice sounding normal will put them at ease, and also break the ice in the event that they’ve felt awkward about calling you.
Be Prepared for Stupid Responses from Smart People. (They Really Don’t Mean It.)
It’s not that people intentionally try to say stupid things. It’s just that most people—even those who are highly intelligent and articulate—have no idea how to respond to the statement, “I have breast cancer.” Not only does the word “cancer” equate to mortality, but the word “breast” equates with sexuality in our society. What a double whammy. Most people don’t know whether to feel awkward, embarrassed, pitying, comforting, or what. Just as you felt an entire range of emotions upon your diagnosis, they will need a minute to collect their thoughts and respond as best they know how. However, you’ll find that most people don’t collect their thoughts first, so you’ll get some awfully stupid responses. Three of my favorites