That’s another thing about getting old: most people lose sight of the important things and get bogged down in stuff that really doesn’t matter. Why don’t they fix up Aunt Mabel instead of a room? She needs a new hair-do desperately. Even I could have told her that without reading Dearest. And she needs to change the expression on her face, which looks like the illustration of St. Agatha in Early Christian Martyrs.
I wandered into the kitchen to get bread and peanut butter for my jam. Tom’s father. Louis. What did he look like now? I remembered a snapshot of him with my mother. He was certainly handsome then: tall, with wavy blond hair and a kind of devil-may-care smile. Something like Tom but much, much more sophisticated and interesting-looking. I didn’t blame Aunt Mabel for still caring about Louis. If I were in her place, I wouldn’t worry about giving inches.
I decided to consult Dearest. I ran upstairs to Sandra Lee’s room where she keeps it sandwiched between her collection of Nancy Drew mysteries. Sandra Lee has made a brown paper cover exactly like the ones we made for our school books, and she’s written “Little Lives of Saints for Little People” on the outside so that Aunt Toosie won’t open it. Dearest has sample letters and conversations for every stage of a love affair that would be pretty embarrassing if your mother caught you reading it. But it is so clear that you never have to be at a loss for something to write or tongue-tied if you can remember the right page. For instance, on page 76 in the chapter called “Going Steady but not Ready,” it tells how you can encourage a boy without “letting him go too far.” I turned to page 96 in the chapter called “Getting Heady and Ready” where it tells “how to encourage a reluctant suitor and bring him to the brink of matrimony.” Unfortunately, page 96 had taken a lot of wear and literal tear before Sandra Lee got it and a large corner with crucial facts was missing. What was left read: “At this point, one must be careful not to___for instead of encouraging a proposal,___might lead a potential fiancé to thereby placing the potential fiancé into the position of___. On the other hand, by___the fiancé may___and this cannot fail to bring the suitor to his knees.”
Important words like “kissing” and “petting” were bound to be in there, plus the ominous phrase “going all the way.” It was just a matter of fitting the missing phrases into the right blanks. We did it all the time in school, things like, God is___. Choose one of the following:
a) three Gods in one person
b) one God in three persons
c) invisible, etc.
I was trying to fill in the blanks for page 96 and wondering if Aunt Mabel was too old for this kind of advice when Sandra Lee burst yelling, “Uncle Malvern’s tried to hang himself on his Perpetual Motion Machine! And Tom’s father has come home! He’s here! In a uniform!”
I could see Sandra Lee was pleased to be the one with dramatic information about Tom’s family.
Sandra Lee looks her best when she’s excited. Her eyes, already big and round, get rounder and her perfectly shaped, little mouth is parted slightly. She was waiting for me to say something like “Good Heavens!”, so I lowered my eyelids and raised my eyebrows which makes me look slightly bored and said, “I knew Tom’s father was arriving. I sincerely hope Uncle Malvern’s effort was in vain.”
“And Tom’s on his way home too! Now!”
“He is?! My God!” I cried.
“Don’t take the name of the Lord in vain,” she said. “Mother’s already helping Aunt Mabel cook a big pot of gumbo. We could bring over something.”
“We can bring the leftover cookies I made yesterday,” I said.
“You forgot the sugar.”
“I’ll dust them with confectioner’s,” I said. “Hurry up!”
A million things criss-crossed my mind. First, I was dying to see what Tom’s father looked like. Second, Tom would deliver his own messages now, and I wouldn’t even have an excuse to talk to Leonard any more. Third and worst of all, everybody considered me Tom’s girl, but it was really a process of elimination instead of a romance; Tom had never had a girlfriend and I’d never had a boyfriend, and we’d grown up next door to each other and raised the same dog. It was positively infuriating to be linked romantically with a tall skinny boy whose main interests were football, a mangy dog, and a war on the other side of the world. I’d never get anywhere with Leonard McClosky now.
Sandra Lee reached in the cookie tin and pulled out what was left of the cookies I’d made. Spread out and sprinkled with powdery sugar, they filled the plate and looked nice.
“Sandra Lee, did they say how Uncle Malvern tried to hang himself?”
“He didn’t exactly try. He was sitting on top of the Perpetual Motion Machine and fell, and on the way down he got caught in the old shower curtain he’d rigged up to keep water from splashing on the floor. He’s okay now.”
You might know the news wasn’t as dramatic as Sandra Lee wanted me to think.
We hurried over to Tom’s house, two doors away. Aunt Eveline’s sweet olive tree was in bloom and the tiny white flowers sent their heavy, sweet smell down the whole block. I tried to see into the living room window of my old house as we went by, but the curtains were drawn. I noticed the Communion of Saints telephone was ringing and thought I heard Aunt Eveline saying “Addie, what goes on at Three Twenty Audubon Street is no longer any of your business, and if you’re going over to Tom’s house out of vulgar, common curiosity and not Christian Charity for Tom’s mother you’d best turn around and get on with your own affairs such as your artistic career.”
“Sandra Lee,” I said, “do you think Aunt Mabel really wants us to come over?”
“Of course,” said Sandra Lee primly. Besides Dearest, she has a book of etiquette by Emily Post, which she has memorized better than her catechism. “You always go to a friend’s house in times of crisis,” Sandra Lee said. “To help. You can be helpful talking to Uncle Malvern about his invention and taking him off Aunt Mabel’s hands.”
That was the last thing I wanted to do and Sandra Lee knew it.
“Why don’t you talk to Uncle Malvern?” I said as we came around the side of Tom’s house. It was too late: there sat Uncle Malvern on the back porch, his grey head in his hands. He looked up, sighed, and smiled when he saw Sandra Lee’s golden curls bouncing in the sunlight. He didn’t even notice me.
“You look just like Pasie, Sandra Lee!” he said.
The old feeling of helpless envy washed over me. Sandra Lee looked like my beautiful mother and I didn’t.
Worse yet, Sandra Lee could pass for eighteen. I, on the other hand, was still Sister Maurice’s first choice for the role of Joseph in the Christmas play.
“Oh, thank you so much, Uncle Malvern!” said Sandra Lee sweetly. “Addie here has come over to talk to you and I’ll just run in and give Aunt Mabel these cookies we made for her.”
Sandra Lee maneuvers like a tank and there I was, stuck with Uncle Malvern. He finally tore his eyes away from her and said, “Oh, hello there, Addie. Nice of you to come. Have a seat.”
He patted the step next to him. Uncle Malvern had once been very handsome but the only way you could tell that was from my mother’s old snapshots marked “Mal.” Now his face was puffy and red, and his body pudgy. He loved my mother all of his life and that was why he’d stayed a bachelor and drank all the time. At least, that was what Aunt Toosie thought.
“Well!” said Uncle Malvern in that jolly way grownups use with children. “I know you’ll be pleased to know Tom’s coming home tonight!”
I don’t know what made me react, whether it was Sandra Lee’s maneuver or knowing that I’d already committed at least one venial sin coming over here and I might as well go for broke.
“No,”