We Showed Them by Our Actions
When I was the administrator for an alternative education high school, every day when my students entered the building and every day on their way out the door, my staff and I would slap high fives, shake hands, and offer fist bumps as we said, “Good morning, we love you. We’re glad you’re here today!” Or “Good-bye. We love you! See you tomorrow!” Often, too, I would jump on each bus, before they pulled out to take our students home, just to say, “Oh, and, one more thing . . . I love you!” and all of our wonderfully tough, sometimes scarred, always hopeful students would shout back, “We love you too, Mrs. T!” If ever there was a new student, and often there was, he or she would look around the bus, like, “Have you all lost your minds?! Who is this crazy woman? And, did you really say, ‘We love you’ back?” Inevitably a student would respond with, “I know, right? But just wait, you’ll see.” And this was said with confidence, because our students did “see” our love every day. We showed them by our actions, and as a result, when we told them we loved them, they believed us. For some of them, hearing and believing that someone loved them happened only at school. Continuing to hear that they were loved, and continuing to see us demonstrate our love by our respecting them, holding them to high expectations, and helping them achieve their goals gave these students permission to begin to love themselves. This is an example of how, as Robby Novak says, love can be “lived out” at school.
Living love can also become real when we simply make an effort to authentically connect with other human beings. Although many of us could say we know “how” to connect with others, I would suggest that we must also then admit that we sometimes get caught up in the demands of our jobs and we tend to forget the little things that help us show others that we care and that they matter. In the world of education today, every one of us, from superintendents to support staff, feels overwhelmed at times. And this feeling doesn’t seem to be slowing down or lessening any time soon. Expectations and requirements continue to increase for educators while the amount of time we have to meet these challenges stays the same. Yet we can’t lose sight of the human beings who are the students behind test scores or subpopulations, nor those who are staff members behind stacks of papers or ineffective evaluations. We will find more meaning and fulfillment in our vocations when we take just a moment to be human: by greeting students as they arrive at school and using their names while doing so or by stopping a colleague in the hall to check in and say hello. Every act of connecting with the human beings in our midst can relieve our feelings of being overwhelmed, increase student achievement, and improve the general school climate.
7 Keys to Connection
Focusing on the following 7 Keys to Connection will help you to be conscientious in your efforts to connect:
7 Keys to Connection
1 Stop
2 Look
3 Ask
4 Listen
5 Smile Authentically
6 Connect Kinesthetically
7 Believe Intentionally
Stop, Look, Ask, and Listen
Keys 1–4: The first four keys—stop, look, ask, and listen—actually go together. It’s imperative that we take time to stop when we encounter another person, look them in the eye, and ask, “How are you?” or any other question . . . and then, listen for the answer. Think about it. How many of us use “Hi, how are you?” as a greeting that really just means “Hi”? Almost ALL of us!! We walk by someone quickly, say “Hi, how are you?” and we keep walking! We don’t really care how they are, or if we do, we are not showing it by our actions, not if we keep walking.
This epiphany came to me when I was forced to slow down a few years ago while enduring intensive treatment for Lyme disease. Normally, I am in “go” mode all of the time. I have so much energy, that I move fast, and loudly, everywhere. In fact, a student would often catch me in the hall as I was striding from point a to point b. Said student would say, “Mrs. T, I have a question.” And my inevitable response would be, “Walk with me, I have an answer!” And, on we would go!
Close Your Tabs
It wasn’t just my body that moved fast. My mind, too, was on the go. My husband used an analogy once that fit me to a t. He said, “Babe, you have too many tabs open.” Confused, and likely a bit defensive, I asked what he meant by that. He explained, “Your mind is like a computer with about 20 tabs open at the same time and you keep going back and forth between the tabs. You need to shut it down . . . close your tabs.” It was like a lightbulb turned on for me. He was absolutely right! In fact, now, when he can tell that my mind is racing with ideas or things to be done, he will say, “Close your tabs!” It has become an endearing joke, but there is a seriousness about it that I need to take to heart. And although at my husband’s urging, I attempted to close my tabs every once in a while, it wasn’t until I got so sick, and didn’t have the energy to move so fast, that I took time to appreciate the peace that I found in being still. I realized then that it is wonderful that I am filled with energy and enthusiasm, especially as a high school principal. Yet if I don’t take time to actually stop long enough to sincerely acknowledge a student, or a colleague, by looking him or her in the eye, with interest and intentional compassion, then my enthusiasm will have no meaning.
So, when you ask someone at school, “How are you?” be sure you stop to listen for the answer. In doing so, you will authentically connect. The same is true of relationships with fellow staff members, family members, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Taking time to stop, look, ask, and listen will lead to renewed relationships based on sincerity and intention. By focusing diligently on these four simple words, you can help create a school community and a community in your world outside of work, in which all people feel a sense of belonging based on genuine compassion and interest. Don’t expect these four keys to become automatic. Instead, use them as often as you can and be mindful in as many interactions throughout the day as possible. You will begin to see the positive difference in yourself, as well as in those around you. There will be times when you forget and say only, “Hi, how are you?” and then move on without waiting for a response. When you realize what you’ve done, telling yourself later, “Oops, I didn’t stop to listen” or “I had too many tabs open,” consider it a step in the learning process. Once you become aware that you’re not stopping to listen, but want to, it will be easier the next time to take the action.
Smiling Contributes to Happiness
Key 5: Key 5 is inspired by the Dalai Lama (2013). He suggests that a crucial part of daily living is to smile with genuine affection. If you are conscientious about your smile, it will start in your heart and shine through your eyes. Not only will you feel the difference, but so will the person on the receiving end of your smile. Shawn Achor (2010), author of The Happiness Advantage, explains that when people are partnered and one is asked to show absolutely no emotion, while the other is asked to look into his or her partner’s eyes and genuinely smile, the person who was to show no emotion invariably smiles. One just can’t keep from smiling back. The best part however, according to Achor, is that smiling contributes to happiness. He suggests that, “[s]miling . . . tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy” (p. 206). What a gift it is to connect with others by smiling and, in doing so, creating an opportunity for them, and for you, to experience joy!
Make Contact at the Doorway
Key