‘Great job!’ Katie said. ‘And when I go like this’ – she lifted one hand and shook her fist back and forth – ‘I need you guys to cheer!’
‘Woo!’ said one over-enthusiastic spectator.
‘Sometimes we might have to go back and film a moment again, so you might have to cheer or clap a couple of times in a row,’ Katie continued. ‘But I need you to give each cheer just as much energy – every time’s gotta be like the first time. Can you do that?’ She raised a fist.
‘Wooooo!’ replied all the spectators … except Rose, who stifled a yawn.
‘And here’s the most important part,’ Katie was saying. ‘After the judges have conferred and given their result, Thor will announce this week’s rankings. He’ll read them from first place to last place, and you know what happens when he gets to the final team. He’ll read out their names, and then you know what comes next …’
The super-fans led the chant. ‘That boat – won’t float!’
‘Again!’ Katie shouted.
‘THAT BOAT – WON’T FLOAT!’
‘Excellent! You’re the best audience yet,’ said Katie. She put a hand to her earpiece – something was about to happen.
Behind Rose, someone yelled, ‘Here come the judges!’ Katie frowned and put a finger to her lips. Rose turned to peer through the fence at the foreshore. There didn’t seem to be any cars arriving. Would they make the judges walk in? Rose remembered that in the episode she’d watched, Thor had been filmed strolling along a pier.
She cast her gaze around the foreshore. A couple of junkies were squabbling over a shoe. There was an old man very slowly pushing a shopping cart. Something was moving inside. Metres away, a teenager in a hoodie was sucking on a bong made from an energy-drink bottle and a length of garden hose. This didn’t exactly look like an elite judging panel, but there was no one else in sight.
Excitement was mounting among the crowd, but Rose still couldn’t figure out where the judges were. She looked along the dock – nobody new here, either – then realised all the camera crews were pointing out to sea. A speedboat was swooping dramatically towards the dock, gull-wings of spray fountaining out from either side as it sliced through the sparkling water. It was all very impressive … at least to the point where it became clear that whoever was steering had misjudged their high-speed approach, and had to cut the motor before they ran aground.
‘Go back to point two!’ shouted one of the crew, pointing to a distant buoy. The boat made gurgling fart noises as it reversed with embarrassing slowness. The crowd laughed, and someone made a sad trombone noise. After what felt like ages, the boat made it back to the point, then painstakingly turned. The engine roared into life and the boat swept back towards the dock. This time, the helmsman had judged the approach perfectly, and the speedboat slid stylishly into its mooring by the pier.
The crowd was looking at Katie for guidance on what to do. She had her head down, listening carefully to something in her earpiece. Then she snapped her head up, looked at the crowd and made the applause signal. The spectators burst into applause. As if conducting an orchestra, Katie gestured for louder applause, and the crowd obliged.
Rose was dreading having to stand there while the judges went into every boat and checked every corner of it. Would they even be finished before dark? But they must have done the actual judging earlier in the day, while Rose had been idling in the warehouse.
Thor and the judges went to stand in front of one contestant couple. ‘How do you feel about your chances?’ Thor asked.
‘We’re pretty nervous, Thor. The barnacle challenge took a lot out of us this week. But we did the best we could.’
Thor nodded, like a priest at confession. ‘Now let’s hear from the judges.’
They all visibly relaxed, and Katie got the crowd’s attention. ‘The monitors are currently showing a pre-recorded clip of the judges on the boat, but when we come back from the clip I need you guys to cheer.’
Over the next hour, the same pattern repeated seven more times. By the end, Rose was shifting restlessly from foot to foot. Everything was happening on the screens, but she was standing too close to the edge of the pier to see the monitors clearly. As she’d suspected, Beverley seemed to be trailing behind. Snuggles was definitely a crowd-pleaser, but the judges were having none of it. During Beverley’s judging segment the crowd had let out a few ominous ‘ooooh’s.
Now it was time to film what would be the climax of the episode: the announcement of the rankings. As Thor read out each pair’s names, cameras clustered around the contestants to capture their reactions of triumph and relief. Katie was making huge, exaggerated clapping signals and shaking her fist as if grievously wronged by an uncaring world, and the audience obligingly cheered again and again.
‘And in seventh place …’ Thor said, drawing out the moment to an excruciating length, ‘… are Jo and Luke!’ The couple hugged each other in ecstasy. ‘Which means that Beverley and Snuggles are in last place.’ He turned to the viewing platform, mugging outrageously. ‘And what does that mean?’
The audience needed no more prompting. ‘THAT BOAT – WON’T FLOAT!’ they screamed in one voice.
Beverley’s boat immediately began to sink. How was it happening so quickly? Rose figured there must be a remotely operated valve in the hull. Beverley turned to her boat, rivulets of tears forming pale channels in the bronze of her make-up. She was dressed as a mermaid, wearing a long blonde wig, a beige body stocking with two clamshells sewn to its chest, and a green sequined fishtail encasing her legs. Now, she began to hop pathetically towards the edge of the dock, clutching her hair and wailing. She reminded Rose of a child in a sack race.
Even for this show, Beverley’s antics seemed over the top. Maybe the contestants had been coached to act like this? But then Rose heard what Beverley was wailing.
‘Snuggles! Where’s Snuggles? Oh my god, he’s still on the boat!’
Rose looked around. Was this meant to be part of the show? Katie was talking frantically into her headset; Thor and the judges were frozen like the fjords of Norway. They weren’t acting like it was planned. The crowd was becoming agitated; a muttering spread over the viewing platform and a few people took out their phones and started filming, but nobody wanted to disrupt the recording.
Beverley was bouncing up and down at the edge of the pier in her absurd fishtail. ‘Help! Help! Somebody! Snuggles can’t swim! You can’t let him drown!’
Rose looked at Dan, who shrugged. ‘Ah, fuck this,’ she said. Ignoring Katie’s panicked hand-waving, Rose ran to Beverley’s side and looked down at the sinking boat. The deck was now fully submerged and water was pouring into the cabin. She couldn’t see Snuggles swimming anywhere; he must be trapped inside the cabin. Another couple of minutes and it would be completely underwater.
She kicked off her work boots. Her tool belt fell to the pier with a thunk. With a splash, Rose dived into the water beside the boat.
She came up for air and trod water for a second to get her bearings. She saw the cabin door was open, and swam through it. Inside, she struggled to see through a soup of water, oil, broken fittings and other flotsam. But there was a layer of trapped air between the water and the ceiling, and Rose surfaced, gasping for breath. She could see Snuggles, the little dog, scrabbling against the opposite corner of the cabin as if he were trying to dig his way out.
At the speed this boat was sinking, they had less than a minute. Rose swam over to the dog, who growled and flailed his front paws when she tried to grab him. His hind end was stuffed into a mermaid tail – a miniature version of Beverley’s. No wonder the poor thing couldn’t get out.
Rose