The Fourth Trimester. Susan Brink

an infant's crying overwhelms you, it's time to step back. I have an uncomfortable memory from my firstborn's infancy. I tucked my inconsolable daughter safely in her crib, and then trekked down two flights of stairs to our basement. I think I was crying, maybe shaking with frustration. I picked up a plastic laundry basket and hit it against a wooden support beam, and then hit it again. After a minute or two of this highly physical but harmless exercise, I was somewhat relieved, definitely spent, and more than a little ashamed. By the time Jenny was three months old, the laundry basket was ripped, tattered, and unusable.

      I shouldn't have been ashamed. I didn't know it then, but I was doing exactly what experts today say is the right thing to do.

      When frustration over a baby who won't stop crying gets out of control, first make sure the baby is safe, out of harm's way. Then walk away for the minutes it will take to regain calm control. Away from their infants, mothers and fathers can then do whatever makes them feel better: Clench and unclench their fists. Hit a laundry basket against a beam. Ears covered, jog in place. Call a friend, neighbor, or relative and ask for help. Do anything necessary to get the frustration out, as long as it's away from the baby. Then, relieved and refreshed, they can go back and tend to the infant's needs.

      CONFIDENCE

      Parents should remember: they're still the people they always were. When infants continue to cry despite all the best efforts of parents, it's easy to follow them down that rabbit hole into escalating fear and panic. But rather than take that route, it's time for parents to flex their parental muscles—not by being cold and unresponsive, but by holding on to the confidence and certainty that they're truly doing all they can. Sometimes doing all they can means simply being with the baby through moments that are particularly hard.

      The infant is disorganized internally, but the adults around him don't have to be. They can take a cue from Saturday Night Live’s character Stuart Smalley and recall: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, this baby likes me. This is true even when the baby's face is red, his stomach is tight, he's looking in all directions, and he's screaming. As mothers, fathers, and caregivers stick with it through the difficult times, they're teaching infant brains that, when in distress, help is nearby.

      It helps to share calming information with a baby. We'll get through this, sweetheart. Remind the baby that the last time he cried for a long time, he eventually stopped and fell asleep. Remember this morning? You cried hard then, and after a while you had a good sleep. You will again. Mustering up a confident voice, parents can remind their infant that someone is there for him when he's happy, and remains there for him when he's distressed. In the process, those brain connections that signal comfort will be formed and strengthened; those that signal neglect will be ignored.

      A confident voice sounds far different, even to an infant, than a voice shaking with uncertainty. Courtney Bowles, during those weeks when she was unable to soothe crying Annie, lost what was probably the most crucial element in her arsenal—her self-confidence. And don't think Annie didn't notice. Babies take everything in through their developing senses. When a parent's body speaks with calm conviction—the voice, the face, the movements—it must sound to an infant like reassurance.

      REASSURANCE, EMPATHY, SUPPORT, AND TIME-OUTS

      Reassurance is crucial for parents of colicky or fussy babies. They understandably want certainty that nothing is physically wrong with an infant who cries more than average, and this reassurance is the first step in helping parents deal with a baby who cries inexplicably and excessively. A physical checkup can rule out any health problems, but plenty of parents get that from a pediatrician or an emergency room team, only to go home with a baby who continues to cry. Parents also need reassurance that they're competent and capable of helping their infants through a trying time. Friends and family, the circle of people who know the capabilities of new parents, can be good at providing encouragement.

      It's important for parents to find people who listen without judging, whether they're friends or professionals. People who work with parents of colicky babies hear the stories of parents who are at their wits’ end. They hear stories of bone-wearying nights of pacing, of a midnight walk in a stroller or ride in a car seat to induce calmness. They hear confessions: I get worked up and I'm not capable of soothing her. She feels my heart racing. She hears me crying. They hear parents say things they're not supposed to admit: I know I'm supposed to love him, but honestly, sometimes I feel that I don't even like him. Parents need objective support, not harsh judgments.

      “We take a lot of time to hear their stories,” says Murrah of Erikson Institute's Fussy Baby Network. “We don't dismiss anything a parent says.” They get SOS calls from multimillionaire parents and from housing project parents, from mothers who breast-feed and mothers who bottle-feed, from biological parents and parents who have adopted their infants. Parents of all stripes may experience the plight of sleeplessness, a lack of positive feedback from their infant, and the disappointment of limited gratification for their efforts.