Many are elated to be at the ministry, tentative yet hopeful that they will change. However, Frank also cautions them, “Change is difficult. It involves self-denial, which today is a no-no. The world cannot understand and doesn't want to understand that there are some things so valuable that people will deny their instincts and forgo immediate gratification to gain the pearl of great price who is Christ himself.” Obedience to God and acceptance that any conversions they undergo are an unfolding process is Frank's main message. “The place of the homosexual in the church is not acceptance as representing a third order of legitimate sexuality, but acceptance as one in the process of growth and change.” Hank seconds Frank's caveat, but he is a more formidable presence because he lives, eats, and spends all his time with the men. His long hair and propensity to go everywhere barefoot only add to the awe he inspires in new men in the program like Curtis, who always seem at a loss for words in Hank's presence. During the orientation, Hank leads the men through a series of requirements for participation: develop a positive attitude, be diligent, keep a journal, share, be celibate, be fervent in prayer, repent, be open and transparent, be committed to the church, and be cautious of seducing spirits.1 “You have made a sacrifice to be here; make that sacrifice pay off for you. This program is important to you and your future; apply yourself,” Hank practically booms. “Do not just try to slip by. You could waste a year of your life and squander what God has provided for you. Not only that, you could inhibit another member's growth. Enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm; lethargy breeds lethargy.” Hank's physical and spiritual presence, more than any other, dominates daily life in the program. Because of the heavy responsibility for someone in Hank's position and the tendency for men to demand his individual attention, he is careful to delineate specific boundaries. The “Steps Out” workbook counsels the men, “Do not place heavy expectations on your house leader. To do his job effectively, he must divide his time between all house members; he cannot be exclusively yours.”2 As the year progressed, these boundaries became increasingly difficult to maintain, and often Hank's only respite was the privilege of his single room or his escape to his job.
Attending worship services at Open Door Church their first Sunday in the program was startling for many of the New Hope men. Instead of condemning them, Pastor Mike warmly welcomed the new arrivals from his pulpit, and members of the church beamed at them from their seats. Open Door receives a new crop of ex-gay men every year when the program begins, and the other members of the church were expecting them. Most men who arrived at New Hope defined themselves as conservative Christians who believe that an ex-gay ministry represents their last opportunity to live according to Christian principles after leading lives of what they characterize as sin and unhappiness.3 In the language of New Hope, they are “strugglers,” or dealing with “sexual brokenness.” They joined the program because they have been unable to reconcile conflicts between their deeply rooted religious belief that the Bible is the word of God and that it expressly condemns homosexuality and their own sexual desires and practices. Their experiences growing up in conservative Christian churches where they heard dire warnings about homosexuality only reinforced this interpretation. Many arrived with tales of sexual and pornography addiction and anonymous sex in lavatories, rest stops, and parks; stories of loneliness; and suicide attempts. All of them spoke of suffering from guilt, shame, and distance from God. The men used the word homosexuality to describe their pasts because it refers to acts and feelings rather than an identity. Only a small percentage of the men in the program ever identified as gay, had long-term lovers or partners, or were socially or politically involved in a wider gay community. Most men eschewed a gay identity and described their sexuality as an experience of guilt about sexual acts, practices, feelings, and desires. Others had left long-term lovers, friendships, and relationships in order to become ex-gays. Hank explained his eleven-year relationship this way: “After many years I just got tired of the contradiction. I would get out of church and I would go have sex with somebody. God said, ‘You have to choose between your sin and me. What's it gonna be?' I was never able to deny God. I've tried to justify and it never set well. There was never any question in my mind; I always knew it was wrong.” The men also spoke of their expectation that by being at New Hope, their sexual conflicts would diminish as their Christian identity strengthened. They felt certain that it was only through an ex-gay program that they could reconcile their sexuality with their religious belief system through a process of religious and sexual conversion. Having a public intimacy with God and a personal relationship with Jesus would enable them to be new creations in Christ. Their new ex-gay identity would emerge through what they called “an identity in Jesus.”
SHOUT TO THE LORD
The men at New Hope grew up with or were familiar with conservative Christian traditions, spanning a wide range from Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Baptist, and Pentecostal to nondenominational backgrounds in Vineyard Fellowships or Calvary Chapels. A few men had upbringings in mainline Protestant denominations like Presbyterianism or Lutheranism. Some left their churches and faith for a time and then rediscovered it. Others attended church at the same time they engaged in clandestine homosexual relationships and sexual practices. The sole Catholic man at the ministry had tried an ex-gay group run by a Catholic church but found that it did not provide enough structure. During his year at the ministry, he was baptized by Pastor Mike and began to describe himself as a “saved Christian.” New Hope is adamant about promoting a non-denominational form of Christianity at the ministry. The program book states, “Please don't push your denomination's peculiar sectarian doctrine or dogma on others. New Hope Ministries holds to the simple Gospel presented by Jesus Christ.”4
Even by defining themselves simply as Christians, the people at New Hope and Open Door reference a very specific theological belief system. This includes the necessity for personal salvation through becoming born again, or saved, faith in the inerrancy of the Bible, and the belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, with whom a person can have an intimate relationship. The theological tenets of Open Door Church echo these ideas: belief in the Holy Trinity (Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit), the virgin birth, the Second Coming of Christ, and salvation by faith and grace alone. Open Door's official doctrinal statement reads, “We believe the essence of the Christian life is a personal relationship with Christ lived out in the fellowship of the church.” The idea of grace is central to how New Hope and Open Door Church conceive of homosexuality. In this view, God's grace extends to all people, regardless of their sins, as long as they ask for forgiveness. Open Door and New Hope understand salvation as an act of divine grace received through faith in Christ, not through any kind of penance or good works. When a person is reborn, the guilt of sin disappears and an inward process of sanctification takes place as he or she leads a Christian life. The New Hope doctrinal statement links the issue of homosexuality to this belief system:
We believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God and is infallible and authoritative in its original writings. We believe that for the salvation of lost and sinful man, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and regeneration by the Holy Spirit are essential. We believe that the Bible teaches that all homosexual conduct is wrong and against God's standards. We believe that through making an unconditional commitment to Christ, we are empowered by Him who gives us victory over homosexual desires and leads us into a new life