Yet such decisions are further complicated by parents’ gender. Since mothers appear to be migrating without their children at higher rates than in the past, differences between mothers’ and fathers’ migrations are key. I find three types of family separation among those I interviewed: (1) migrant fathers who come alone, (2) migrant fathers who are subsequently joined by their wives (i.e., both parents are in the United States), and (3) single mothers who migrate alone.87 Among the schoolchildren I surveyed in the Mixteca who had a parent in the United States, 73 percent had just a father abroad, 20 percent had both parents abroad, and 7 percent had only their mother abroad.88 Parents’ migration patterns are significant because each corresponds to a slightly different rationale for leaving children in Mexico.
Married Fathers
Nearly all the fathers I interviewed were married to the mothers of their children at the time of migration (although a handful had also migrated before getting married). One study estimates that male-only migration accounts for approximately 81 percent of migration events among Mexican couples.89 Married fathers primarily view their labor migration as a straightforward path to fulfilling their role as economic provider for the family. Fathers come north after becoming unemployed in Mexico or when they see friends and family do better economically abroad. One father’s description of migration as an escape from financial difficulties in Mexico is typical. The forty-year-old father was born in a very small town in the outskirts of a small city in Oaxaca. “We were very poor.” Until the age of twenty-four, he worked as a farmer cultivating corn, chiles, and beans. When his three children were six, four, and two, he and his entire family moved into the city (including his parents, sisters, and brothers), where he worked unloading trucks. He earned about a hundred pesos a day (equivalent to ten dollars at the time of the interview), which was barely enough to feed his family. “I had no land or anything else in my name.” Frustrated at his lack of opportunities, he decided to go north when a friend who had been once before offered to take him.
Many fathers described the pressure they felt from family and friends to migrate. Pedro said it was his brother who encouraged him to migrate. “I never wanted to come, but I was working in Mexico City in a factory, and I had a brother in California who sent me the money to migrate. Since he sent the money, I had to go.” José, the first in his family to migrate, also felt compelled to leave owing to his relationship with his siblings: “I was a manager at the company, but it was a very stressful job, and I had a hard time working with my supervisors. But I also felt a lot of stress because I was not as successful as my brothers and sisters. We come from a humble background. They all have done well, and their houses were nicer than mine. I felt like the one most behind.”
Wives also pressure their husbands to migrate.90 Daniel, who had been to the United States before he was married, had wanted to stay in Mexico after he returned home. He agreed to migrate again as a newlywed only because his wife was adamant that she wanted to live in the United States. Armando said that he was reluctant to leave his family. Although many of his brothers were already working in New Jersey and he had been offered the opportunity to go north before, Armando decided to migrate at his wife’s insistence.
Regardless of the source of pressure to work in the United States, fathers’ decisions to leave children hinge upon the expectation that migration will lead to greater economic opportunity and that they will be able to better economize without their children present. Migrant fathers express qualms about the quality of life in the United States for their children. Many have strong opinions as to why it is better that their children be raised in Mexico. When I asked one father whether he thought about bringing his children to New Jersey, he said, “Definitely not, because here there is no family life.” Another said he did not want his kids to be raised in the United States, because “here the kids forget they are Mexican.” A father of two teenagers in Mexico explained: “I am not the kind of person who likes this life for my children. Here there is too much freedom for them. It is not really a safe environment.” Married men plan to work hard and return to Mexico, where their children are raised by their wives, as soon as possible.
Married Mothers
Although also fundamentally related to work aspirations, mothers’ motivations for leaving children are more complicated. Single mothers and married mothers often have different expectations of migration. The married mothers I interviewed all joined their husbands who had already been working in the United States.91 Married mothers described migration as affording them personal benefits in addition to being advantageous for the family unit. Many explained that their decision to migrate was prompted by curiosity. One mother said, “I wanted to know what it was like.” Even husbands described their wives as being the primary movers behind family migration. A father living with his wife and U.S.-born daughter, with two more children in Mexico, told me: “It was her. She told me she wanted to come and see what it was like here.” Another who lived with his wife and newborn son said, “I didn’t want her to come, but she insisted.”92
Married mothers may orchestrate their migration because of the negative effects their husband’s migration has had on their marriage.93 When husbands leave, women like Yolanda, who cultivated the family’s peanut and bean crops on her own, may work harder performing both unpaid and paid labor.94 Gabriela explained that when her husband is away, “When I lie down at night, I am exhausted. What is most tiring is having the responsibility for the children. It is much better when he [Angelo] is back visiting, because he takes over looking after the children. . . . I feel like it is a load off my back when he is here.” The wives of migrants do find some benefits related to their husbands’ absences. “At times,” explained one woman in San Ángel, “there is a lot of freedom, because when he is here you cannot do anything. But if he isn’t here, you can go out and come back whenever you want.” However, their activities while husbands are away are closely monitored by their families and neighbors. Conflict with in-laws is common.95 Accusations of women’s infidelities while husbands are away are widespread.96
Aside from an increase in work and the intensified relationships with in-laws, the separation of wives and husbands during migration enhances the dependency of wives on their husbands, which may prompt women’s migration to the United States. When a woman’s husband migrates, she is disconnected from his daily life; she does not prepare his lunches, wash his work clothes, or relax with him after a long day, as she may do when living with him in Mexico. Her only link to her husband’s work is via the money sent home. In Mexico, the wives of migrants anxiously await phone calls or other news of their husbands. Gossip about men’s infidelities in the United States is common.97 At a distance, phone communication becomes even more crucial to sustaining what would otherwise become a purely economic relationship. Yet because of the high cost of making international phone calls from many places in Mexico (eighty cents per minute where I lived in Oaxaca, as compared to the ten cents per minute for the same phone call from the United States), migrant husbands almost always initiate contact.98 Physically divorced from their spouse’s everyday activities and economically dependent on them, these women are less able to influence their husbands. For some, the separation means greater freedom of activity in Mexico. For others, it results in feelings of passivity. For married mothers, migration is not only a way to make money; it is a way to regain control over their family life.
Single Mothers
Single mothers who migrate to the United States do not experience the uncomfortable dependency on migrant husbands before leaving home. Their trouble with men came prior to migration. Yet, like married mothers, single women also migrate out of a combination of economic and personal motivations. In most cases, the economic situation of single mothers is more acute than that of married mothers. When marriages end, it is very difficult for women to provide for their children. One mother could not make ends meet after her husband left her for another woman. Her siblings in New Jersey offered to help and sent her the money for the border crossing.