A friend’s son gives her the hardest time at bedtime if he so much as takes a five-minute nap during the day. She tries to keep him from falling asleep, but sometimes it happens in the car while she’s driving. She’s done everything but squirt him with a water bottle — like you do when your cat jumps on the counter. She hates the struggle that even this tiny nap will bring in the evening. There’s no way to fix her circumstances, so all that’s left is an attitude adjustment. Anticipating and accepting the difficulty makes it less frustrating.
Another example is when we took Joe on a “vacation” when he was five months old. I have since learned my lesson. It was awful. When I could get him to sleep, he only stayed asleep for thirty minutes. That was for naps and at nighttime. I was miserable. He was miserable. Everyone in a five-mile radius was miserable. Finally, I decided to just accept it. I chose to be prepared for, rather than irritated by, the short sleep. My attitude was the only thing I had the power to change. In doing so, I was able to relax my expectations and be happier by making the most of the trip, despite Joe’s less-than-ideal sleep habits. And now I know for next time to bring one of those noise machines that mimic the ocean, rain forest, or New York City traffic complete with honking horns and people yelling, “Hey, I’m walkin’ here!”
The other key to riding out calamity is remaining calm. A priest told a story about the car breaking down while his mom was driving him to school. She called her husband to come bail them out. It was inconvenient to be pulled away from work, and annoying to then get him to school so late, but if his parents were irritated, you would never have known. There was nothing they could do other than fix the situation and be on their way. Complaining about the dumb old car wouldn’t help anything, so why bother? When you can’t change something that’s happening to you, what’s the use in letting it drive you crazy? Staying calm in a negative situation makes one happier, or at least less unhappy.
Remaining calm sets a better example than we realize. Imagine you’re potty training your child. (Did you just shudder? My apologies.) Now imagine you take your child to the potty, but he doesn’t want to go. You try again later and still nothing. You ask him if he needs to go. He insists he doesn’t. Next thing you know, his pants are wet. You, frustrated by the whole experience, kind of lose it. “Look what you did! You wet your pants! I tried to get you to go on the potty. I sat you down, you said you didn’t need to go. Then I asked again, and you still said no. One minute later you’ve wet yourself. Now I have to wash you up and find clean clothes and—” you know the rest. Unbeknownst to you, this reaction is teaching your child to lie in order to avoid seeing you angry or be yelled at. Express disappointment, sure, but remain calm and patient. You want your child to feel safe coming to you with the truth when she ran a purple marker across the back of the white couch or when he threw a ball indoors and knocked over a lamp. If such incidents happen and you fly off the handle, don’t be surprised when you’re met with tight lips after asking who swirled a magnet across the computer screen.
Besides, such incidents are part of parenting and are to be expected. If your kids empty the contents of a flour bag all over the kitchen, or dump every single jigsaw puzzle you own into a single pile (both of these happened to friends of mine), take photos for social media and bask in the sympathy. And the laughter. Just remember to share the story at this child’s wedding reception.
Not all messes are that calamitous, but they’re bound to occur regardless, so look on the bright side. Your children played in the mud and got filthy. They were being creative, getting exercise, and having fun while you got some quiet time. Children and their messes can be cleaned. Things that break can be repaired or replaced. Baby teeth fall out anyway, so who cares if you forgot to brush them tonight? Same goes for eating healthy. You can load them up with vegetables tomorrow. They will eventually potty train, be able to feed themselves, get dressed by themselves, and more. There are pros and cons at every age. Focus on the pros.
You might think you’ll be truly happy if you could just have a girl, a boy, your dream home, a new car, a better job, or an ice cream shop to open up within walking distance. Perhaps you feel you’ll be happier when the kids are older and easier, or when they’re no longer teenagers, or when you have an empty nest, or when you can finally retire. But if you continue thinking that way — waiting for that next thing that you’re sure will make you happy — you’ll never be happy. Instead, find the joy in your life as a parent today.
Chapter Two
Being a Good Parent
“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”
• Saint Francis de Sales •
Having read the above quote, I know one thing for certain: Saint Francis was never on a conference call when he spotted his potty-training daughter about to wipe poo off her underwear with the dish cleaning rag. His point as it applies to parenting, however, is that to be a good parent we must set the right example by our attitude and demeanor.
We can’t go wrong imitating people like Alice of Montbar. She had seven children, six of whom have been beatified, and the seventh is Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. She married the chief advisor to a French duke. That meant they could live large, but Alice wasn’t down with that. Based on their station in life, they could, and by the social standards of the day, should, eat sumptuously at every meal, but Alice kept things simple. They also dressed more plainly than was standard for their rank. Back in the eleventh century, Alice was the first to say, “Modest is hottest,” but in French. You can quote me on that, though I wouldn’t recommend it since I totally just made that up. Most scandalous of all was her propensity to go out and feed the hungry and tend to the sick in a way that would’ve made Saint Teresa of Calcutta proud. Based on how holy her kids turned out, I’m pretty sure she took her children with her, teaching them without words to be humble and to care for those less fortunate.
In our day this might translate to having food on hand for homeless people on street corners, giving to your parish food pantry, or visiting the elderly in nursing homes. When I was a child, my mom would bake cakes and bring them to the local nursing home to celebrate all the residents with birthdays that month. The employees kindly hung a sign with those residents’ names so we could sing to them accordingly. Of course, not all the birthday celebrants would attend. It was usually just the same old faces (excuse the pun) each time, but that day was probably a highlight of their month. The elderly love seeing children and having visitors. Bringing cake helps. I don’t remember there being ice cream. I probably ate it in the car on the way.
Our children learn a lot from our example and teaching including, of course, manners. I sent my six-year-old to deliver lemons and oranges from our yard to the widow next door. Worried that she might rudely deliver the fruit and leave without a word, I called to her, “Don’t forget to say, ‘You’re welcome.’” When she returned, she gave me the full report: “I rang the doorbell, and when the lady opened the door, I said, ‘You’re welcome!’ and handed her the bag.” I guess I should’ve been more specific.
Sometimes teaching our kids to be specific, and honest, can backfire — though I’m not saying it shouldn’t be tried. One day, my youngest daughter said, “These eggs are delicious, Grandma.” My mom replied, “Why, thank you!” Then my daughter gave her reasoning: “Because I like things that are burnt.”
Parenting requires so much diligence, not to mention energy. A friend says the first step in good parenting is to get up off the couch. How often have you, like me, told a kid to “Come here and tell me” or asked an older child to check on their sibling, because you didn’t want to go wherever she was? Or, like another friend, when told a child was injured, responded with, “Is it bleeding?” Now, eight kids in, she calls, “Is it gushing?” Anything less and she can’t be bothered. Granted, these kids have more energy in their tiny legs than we have in our whole bodies.
If you are sitting on the couch, however, it’s easier to be at