“I Tremble from Head to Toe with Fear of Offending God”
Although he was allowed to wear the Capuchin habit, because of his physical inability to remain in any of the friaries, Padre Pio was allowed by his superiors to function temporarily as a secular priest on the staff of the archpriest Pannullo. Even at Pietrelcina, however, his health continued to be unsatisfactory. Over the next few months, he suffered severe attacks of asthma accompanied by pains so severe that he felt as if his back and chest were about to explode.
The young priest spent much of his time at Piana Romana, where his father, home on vacation from America, constructed a little cabin for him, and, as Padre Pio recalled years later, “There … I would remain night and day, breathing the pure fresh air. It truly became a small chapel for me where I performed all the practices of piety and said my prayers.”9 Often Padre Pio would sit beneath an elm tree to pray his Office and commune with God. Gradually, his health began to show some improvement, but not enough for him to return to community life.
There, in his rural retreat, Padre Pio reported to Padre Benedetto that he was frequently the subject of assaults by the devil. These attacks seem to have taken three forms: temptations against purity, fear of unconfessed sin, and a conviction that he was wicked. During the Easter season of 1911, he wrote: “Even in these holy days the enemy tries with all his might to induce me to acquiesce to his wicked designs, and, in particular, this malignant spirit tries with every sort of fantasy to tempt me into thoughts of uncleanness and despair.” Far from being titillated, Padre Pio was horrified, reporting, “I tremble from head to toe with fear of offending God.”10
Padre Pio’s longtime friend Mercurio Scocca suggested that this mysterious illness was due to sexual frustration. When, however, Scocca proposed that his friend could cure himself by marrying or just giving in to sexual desire, Padre Pio picked up a pitchfork, swung it at his friend, and chased him out of the barn.
Padre Pio was so determined to avoid occasions of sin that, like many religious of the time, he avoided even innocent, perfunctory physical contact with women — even his relatives. One night he was sitting by the fire alone with his sister-in-law Giuseppa Cardone, who was nursing her infant son. When she fell asleep with the baby at her breast, Padre Pio, concerned that the infant would fall, called out to her, but could not wake her up. So as not to have to touch her with his hands, he took his breviary and clobbered her on the head with it. “My God, it’s a good thing you became a monk!” Giuseppa exclaimed.11
Padre Pio said that Satan was “constantly representing the picture of my life in the grimmest possible way.” He wrote, “Our common foe … wants me to be damned at all costs and is constantly putting before my mind a horrible picture of my life and, what’s worse, he craftily sows thoughts of despair in me.”12 In June 1911, he described himself as in such terror over his sins and his helplessness to save his soul that he was on the point of being “reduced to ashes.” He was terrified by the thought of being punished by God for sins unknown to him, of being condemned for his sins before he entered religious life. This anguish contributed, to a great extent, to his physical illnesses. In fact, in 1939, Padre Pio would tell Padre Agostino, “My illnesses [in my youth] stemmed from this spiritual oppression.”13
Padre Benedetto frequently had to remind Padre Pio that God is gracious. “The fear of the sins that you have committed is illusory and a torment caused by the devil,” he counseled. “Let go, once and for all, and believe that Jesus is not the cruel taskmaster that you describe, but, instead, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world and intercedes for our good with ineffable groans.”14 He assured the younger priest that his trials, both bodily and spiritual, were prompted by the devil but permitted by God so as to cause him to grow in holiness. Padre Benedetto wrote: “I see clearly that [the Lord] has chosen you to make you close to him, even without merit on your part. Now you can be sure that he wants to take perfect possession of your heart … to transfix it with pain and love like his own.”15
In other words, to be close to Christ, one must suffer with Christ. Padre Benedetto elaborated in another letter:
You want to know what Jesus wants of you? The answer is simple. He wants to toss you, shake you, pound you, sift you like grain until your spirit arrives at that purity and cleanness that he desires…. Nonetheless, do good and desire that the Lord free you from these temptations, and also pray to this end…. You must not fear that the Lord will leave you at the mercy of the enemy. He will permit him to molest you only in such a way as serves his paternal designs for the sanctification of your soul. Therefore, be strong and cheerful in heart.16
In still another letter, Padre Benedetto counseled:
Hearing that the storms are raging more fiercely consoles me because it is a sign that God is establishing his reign in your life. The temptations are a sure sign of divine predilection, and fearing them is the most certain proof that you do not consent to them. Be of good cheer and do not be discouraged. The more the foe increases his violence, the more you must abandon yourself in the faithful Lord, who will never permit you to be overcome. As it is written, “God is faithful and will not permit you to be tempted beyond your strength…” Is not Our Lord good beyond our every thought? Is he not more interested in our well-being than we are ourselves? When we think of the love that he bears us and of his zeal for our benefit, we must be tranquil and not doubt that he will always assist us with paternal care against all our enemies.17
Continually, as Padre Pio poured out his soul in anguish Padre Benedetto consoled him with verses from Scripture and with reminders that physical and moral sufferings are God’s way of making him pure and holy, more like himself. “I exult,” wrote Benedetto, “in knowing with certainty that the fury is permitted by … the Celestial Father to make you like his dear Son, persecuted and beaten to death on the cross! The greater the pains, the greater the love God bears you!”18
“I Feel My Heart Throb in Unison with the Heart of Jesus”
Padre Pio also had his consolations. He realized that the only way to overcome his temptations was to place them in the hands of Jesus. “All ugly fantasies,” he wrote, “that the devil introduces to my mind vanish when I abandon myself to the arms of Jesus. Therefore, when I am with Jesus crucified — that is, when I meditate on his afflictions — I suffer immensely, but it is a grief which does me good. I enjoy a peace and tranquility which are impossible to explain.”19
Although he was suffering, nevertheless he often experienced periods of intense holy joy. He wrote to his spiritual director:
From time to time Jesus alleviates my sufferings when he speaks to my heart. Oh, yes, my father, the good Jesus is very much with me! Oh, what precious moments I have with him! It is a joy which I can liken to nothing else. It is a happiness that the Lord gives me to enjoy almost only in suffering. In such moments, more than ever, everything in the world pains and annoys me and I desire nothing except to love and to suffer. Yes, my dear father, in the midst of all these sufferings, I am happy because I feel my heart throb in unison with the heart of Jesus. Now, imagine what consolation is infused in my heart by the knowledge of possessing Jesus with certainty.
It seems clear that, while there were times when Padre Pio felt forsaken and rejected and even doubted his salvation, at other times he possessed the certainty of God’s love for him. He continued in his letter to Benedetto: “It is true that the temptations to which I am subjected are very great, but I trust in divine providence so as not to fall into the snares of the tempter. And, although it is true that Jesus very often hides himself, what is important is that I try, with your help, always to stay in him, since I have your assurance that I am not abandoned, but toyed with by Love.”20
Truly, God seemed to be playing a game of hide-and-seek. The oscillation between