In God's Hands. Maureen Cummings

God.

      Then more blank pages. Finally, I began and actually made a list of six things for which I was grateful. Then I kind of ruined it with a written rant of self-pity (only one sentence, really) to Jesus. On that first attempt, I started each line with “I am thankful.…” My words, when I read them now, sound as if I had to force myself to be thankful for things I know I really did appreciate. Many days it was simple things — a warm house, hearing my kids laugh, sunshine. Other times, I did not have the energy to write even five words. But eventually, almost every night, I managed to add a short list in my gratitude journal.

      The result was that during the day, I began to look for good things to be happy about. And you know what? I found them! It is twenty years later, and I am still grateful for those things. Without the gift and encouragement from my friend, I would never have been able to see all the good that was in my life at the time. The lesson of the journal was to look — actively look — for good during a miserable time and to thank God for that good on a daily basis. Writing in it motivated my search and led me in a kind of gentle accountability to God.

      We cannot always control what happens in our life, but we can control our attitude toward life. When we start finding the positives, we become more positive ourselves. Give it a try! Caregivers and loved ones can benefit from this just as much as someone who is sick. Make it simple: pen (or pencil) and paper. Start with a list of five things. As you start this simple habit, see where the pen leads — prayers, petitions, outpourings of anger, questions that may only be answered in heaven. You may find that writing can assist you in many ways. Writing allows you to tell your concerns to God at midnight. It can help you process things you may not want to discuss with those closest to you. Writing can release the tears you may choose to bottle up in public. The investment is worth a hundred or thousand times the five dollars and five minutes it will cost you. But don’t stress over days you don’t write, your penmanship, grammar, spelling, or frustration. Your journal is a no-guilt, no-perfectionism zone. It is just you, pen, and paper. That’s it. See where it leads you.

       Connect with Jesus

      After my chemotherapy failed, I had surgery. As I left the hospital twenty-four hours later, I was handed a sheet of instructions of things that were supposed to have been done within the first twenty-four hours to avoid complications. Just great. I left the hospital with two drains around the incision that removed my breast. Not fun, and yucky to boot. But my sour attitude was soon tempered by an insight I never expected.

      Suddenly, I thought of Jesus’ crucifixion and remembered a sentence from Saint John’s Gospel that “one soldier thrust his lance into his side, and immediately blood and water flowed out” (Jn 19:34). This Bible verse helped to balance me immediately, and in the months thereafter.

      It was a grace-filled moment. The realization that Jesus had been through something like what I was experiencing gave it all meaning. It helped me to identify with Jesus on a level I never had been able to do before. My sufferings were nothing compared to his, but now I had something in common with my Savior. Connecting my wounds with his reminded me that it was possible to offer up my sufferings for others, just as Jesus did for me. Remembering what the Son of God endured helped me to look at my own troubles in a different way, a holier way. For me, it was more of a this-is-still-terrible-but-now-it-has-meaning kind of way.

      Jesus wants to connect with us. I guess I needed something this major to strengthen my connection with him, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Hopefully, you are already closer to him than I was. But whether you are or not, know that Jesus is already reaching out to you. If you are suffering mental anguish, think of his agony in the garden the night he was betrayed. If headaches are a problem, reflect on how he was crowned with thorns. If diabetes or neuropathy limits your mobility or increases your risk of falling, contemplate him carrying the cross, uphill, through the rocky streets of Jerusalem. No matter what your ailment or distress, Jesus has gone before you in some way. He is already there waiting for you to join him. When you look for a connection that can bring you closer to him, you will find one.

       Trust God

      My situation also brought to mind an image of Jesus: The Divine Mercy. This picture is present in many Catholic churches and can easily be found on the internet as well. Devotion to Divine Mercy has spread throughout the world in the past few decades. It began in the 1930s when Jesus appeared to a Polish nun, now Saint Faustina. Jesus instructed her to have someone paint what he revealed. In the image, Jesus is dressed in white with red and white rays of light coming from his heart.

      The simplicity of the image allows us to see whatever we need to see in it. For me, at first, it was the red and white rays of grace. For others, it may be his eyes. Later, I noticed how he was taking a step toward the viewer, showing his desire to come to us. There is a set of prayers that can be prayed as a chaplet on rosary beads; a nine-day novena; and the actual diary of Saint Faustina to read. The entire devotion can be boiled down to the image itself and the five words inscribed at the bottom of it: “Jesus, I trust in you.”

      Those five words are so simple, so beautiful, and so consoling. They are five words to cling to when confronted with heartrending news, or when we feel confused, lonely, or even in despair. Five words that are easy to memorize or say, yet hard to live. There are times when we believe and trust because there is nothing else. That is why the picture shows Jesus taking that step toward us. Because he is the Good Shepherd, Jesus is always looking for us — and inviting us to trust in him.

       Let Go of Big Plans

      But sometimes with illness that “always” disappears. Sometimes the burden is overwhelming, or all the medication tears your memory away. There was a time when the only words I could remember of the Hail Mary were those first two words: “Hail Mary.” That was it; the rest was gone. It made me frustrated and angry, even though I did not have enough energy for those emotions. But as I accepted that those two words were all I had, a peace settled in my soul and reassured me that it was all okay. My plan to pray three Rosaries a day (and try to catch up for years of not saying any) was a no-go. I had seldom taken an over-the-counter pain reliever, and it was obvious that I had grossly underestimated the impact of modern drug therapies.

      The thing I finally realized is that neither God nor Mary cares about those details. God is our loving Father. He wants to provide for and protect us. And Mary is our mother — better yet, our mom. She wants to console us and hold our hand and reassure us. She always wants to bring us to her Son and teach us how to have trust in him. So, if the words disappear, don’t worry or despair. Hold the image of The Divine Mercy in your mind and just rest in his peace.